Castle Hill (On Dublin Street 3.5)

“The worst?”

“That I’m unhappy. That I don’t want a child with him. He’s so mad, so hurt, he wouldn’t and still hasn’t let me explain. ”

“And what would you tell him if he gave you the chance?”

My hands pressed tighter against my stomach. “That our kid means more to me than anything ever has before. That it scares me to feel that much for anyone. It always will. But that I’m working through it now. That I’m still scared, and I’m scared about screwing it all up, but that I want this with him. I just needed time to work out what I was feeling. ”

“And that was?”

I smiled at the irony. “So happy I was paralyzed. ”

“You still believe that everything good will be followed by bad?”

“I haven’t for a long time,” I shook my head. “But this is a huge deal. I had a relapse. ”

“Joss, you’re allowed to feel this way. You recognized it and you’re working through it. That’s all anyone can ask. ”

We were quiet a moment as I studied my wedding rings, twisting the bands on my finger. “He hurt me,” I whispered, not wanting to admit it out loud.

“Braden?”

I nodded.

“He’s not perfect, Joss. You’ve always known that he was a family man. It must be hard for him to wonder if he’s married to a woman who could be unhappy about carrying her own child, his child. ”

“But he won’t let me explain. ”

She cocked her head to the side, giving me a small, reassuring smile. “Maybe he’s afraid to hear what you have to say. So make him listen. ”

“I would . . . but . . . ”

“Joss—”

“When he’s gone I blame myself,” I admitted. “The way I reacted . . . I can see why he would feel this way, act this way. But when he’s right in front of me, looking through me, not wanting me to touch him, unable to bear my touch, I almost hate him. I feel so alone. ” The tears spilled down my cheeks. “And he promised I wouldn’t feel that way again. ”

Dr. Pritchard leaned over and pressed tissues into my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze as she did so. “You have to try to get past that feeling long enough to talk to him. This is a case of total miscommunication, and you two have come too far to let that derail you. ”

I nodded as I wiped the tears.

“And Joss. ”

“Yeah?”

She smiled kindly. “Congratulations. ”

She was the first person to say it to me in person, and although I understood it was my own fault that no one else had, it was still nice to hear it. “Thank you. ”

***

I shutdown the laptop after having just bought up every self-help book Amazon had on being

a first-time mom. After my session with Dr. Pritchard I’d come home to an empty apartment and gone into this hyper mode, cleaning and tidying, throwing things out. I’d also ignored reminders that Braden and I weren’t sharing the same bed when I went into the guest room to measure up and saw his stuff scattered everywhere. This was going to be our kid’s nursery. I was thinking yellow or green for a color scheme since those were both gender neutral.

I’d then opened up my laptop to an e-mail from my new agent, telling me she’d sent off my manuscript to the publisher, and she would like me to start thinking up concepts for a new book. For a while I typed up notes for several ideas I’d come back to, to flesh out later.

And then I’d started freaking out that I knew nothing about being a mother and began an online shopping spree.

Nerves frayed, I stood in front of the mirror in our bedroom and lifted my T-shirt.

No bump yet.

I smoothed my hand over my stomach thinking how weird it was that there was a little person inside of me whom I already loved beyond reason.

Now if only my husband would give me a chance to tell him that.

I glanced at the space between the window and the bed and wondered if there was room to put the baby’s crib there for a while. I wanted him or her to be close to us. I already knew I’d find it difficult to sleep if I didn’t know our kid was safe and at arm’s reach.

After a few minutes of fruitless search for the measuring tape, I wandered back into the guest room to see if I’d left it in there. I found it on the bedside cabinet, but as I moved away, the address on a letter half-hidden under a book drew me up short.

Heart beating obnoxiously loud, I slipped the letter out from under the novel and fear prickled my skin in cold shivers as I read it.

My fingers went numb and the letter fluttered out of my grasp to the floor.

It was a letter to Braden’s tenants, asking them to vacate the premise in one month’s time. It was his bachelor penthouse on the Meadows. The one he’d put up for rental when he moved in with me.

The one he could take back from tenants on a short notice if he needed it for personal usage.