Vandal (Ashes & Embers 2)

“Thankfully, due to the fact that this is a very small town and your grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins are so well known and liked, we were also able to pay a few people at the scene to keep quiet and had them sign documents as well. Also, since the band is made up of family members, there is no worry of any of them talking or selling a story, and the few people that work closely with the band have also agreed to silence and signed legal documents.”

“I’d be willing to sell his story for a price,” Asher says, half joking.

“Shouldn’t you be up on the fourth floor right about now?” I shoot back at him.

“Guys, that’s enough,” Aria scolds. “Asher, that is not even funny, and Vandal, that was uncalled for.”

My cousin and I glare at each other.

Helen snaps her fingers at us. “The hospital has been wonderful with keeping your visit here discreet. All staff that handled your case, Katie’s, and Renee’s have also signed non-disclosure agreements. Renee’s only relative that she had any contact with was her older brother, and he showed no interest in you, or her, for that matter. He almost seemed relieved that she was gone. Apparently she had been in and out of rehab for most of her life.”

“Excellent choice in women,” Asher says.

I flip him my middle finger. “Go fuck yourself.”

“You two better bury the hatchet.” Don stands and paces the room. “We are all tired of it and it’s doing nothing to help the band. This is some serious shit happening. You aren’t playing in your basement anymore.”

“Lastly,” Helen continues, “both funeral homes have agreed to total discretion and all of those matters have been, and will be, handled accordingly. I believe we have covered all of our bases to ensure that no part of this tragedy ends up in the wrong hands, at least to the best of our abilities. Yesterday we issued a brief press kit stating that there had been a horrible accident, and we ask for sympathy and privacy for everyone involved during this difficult time. I suggest you lay low for a while, Vandal.”

“Thanks for all your help with everything,” I say, my head spinning just thinking about how much money was forked over to keep people quiet. I don’t even want to know where that money is coming from.

***

I don’t say anything as Lukas drives me home. Time feels fucked to me, as if it’s been years since the accident when in fact it was only three days ago.

“I could stay with you for a few days so you’re not alone.”

“I like being alone. I’m used to it.” My voice sounds flat and empty, even to me.

He glances away from the road for a moment to read my face. “You don’t have to be. I know what it feels like, Vandal. My life wasn’t much different than yours. The difference is that now, I’m trying to make it better.”

I stare out the window and into the trees. “I let myself get close to Katie and now she’s gone, Lukas. I think it’s pretty clear I was never meant to have a family.”

“You still have the rest of us. We’re not going anywhere.”

I know Lukas had a fucked up childhood, as I did. Born six years after me, our father abandoned him when he was just a baby with an eighteen-year-old mother, who gave him to her grandparents to raise until they passed, and he ended up as a teenager in the foster system. When we met for the first time five years ago, he was so excited to have a big brother and a bunch of cousins that neither one of us had ever met. Of course I was a huge disappointment as a brother, being the anti-social asshole that I am. And how could I compare to our perfect Valentine cousins and their equally perfect parents?

The kid didn’t give up, though. He was determined to be a part of my life, and for us to walk into the welcoming fold of our new family. Slowly, slowly, I’ve tried to let myself accept these people as family, and they’re actually pretty cool. I still struggle with it, though.

Lukas pulls into the long driveway of my house and puts the car in park.

“Should I come inside with you?” he asks.

I shake my head. “No. I need to do this alone.” I stare out the windshield at the house, which looks lonelier than ever. “Lukas, thanks for being there the past few days. You know I’m not good at this shit and my head is really fucked right now, but I do appreciate you being around.”

“Anytime. If you need anything, just call, okay? I don’t care what it is, or what time it is … anything.”

I reach into the back seat and grab my bag. “Thanks, man.”

He coughs and hesitates for a second. “Tomorrow … I can come and get you, we can go together.”

My chest tightens up at the thought of tomorrow. I want to somehow stall time and put off tomorrow for a few years. Fuck, put it off forever. I’m not ready to bury my baby. I will never be ready to say goodbye to my Katie.

I press my fingers against my forehead. “Uh, yeah. I think that might be good. I don’t think I can …” I swallow hard and fight back the tears threatening to start and never stop. I can’t fucking deal with any of this.

“Vandal, say no more. I’ll be here in the morning. I’ll have Ivy meet me there. Are you gonna be okay?”

Letting my head fall back onto the seat rest, I shake it back and forth. “Fuck no. I’m never gonna be okay again, Lukas.”

“We all loved her. She was a great little kid. But you gotta try to just hang on, ya know? I know all this shit is tearing you apart, but don’t let it drag you under. Okay?”

“Yeah,” I say absently. “Be here tomorrow.”

I get out of the car before I lose my shit in front of him. No fucking way am I going to break down in front of anyone.

Walking into my house, I don’t feel like I’m home at all. I bought this house two years ago when I was finally given joint custody of Katie. I wanted her to have her own bedroom when she stayed with me, and a nice yard to play in. I tried to give her some kind of normalcy within my crazy lifestyle. Not that I have any idea what normal is.

And now it doesn’t matter, because she’s gone.

***

The house feels eerie. Too quiet. There’s no life here anymore. Just like that, in a moment, everything is gone. I never had a family, I never even wanted a family, and then suddenly I had an unplanned child with some crazy bitch that I fucked after a concert and kept around for a little while to party with. Next thing I know I’m a father and fighting the world just to see my own kid. I lost the first three years of her life because I was too fucked up to be a parent, and now I’ve lost the rest of her life because her mother just wanted to be a bitch. Katie was an angel and deserved so much better than two messed up people as parents. Maybe that’s why she was taken away.

I slowly walk down the dark hallway and stop at Katie’s doorway. Her pink nightlight is on, illuminating the room. I don’t want to go in, but I can’t stop myself. The mix of her presence and her void is completely overwhelming, and I fall to my knees in the middle of the room. The pain in my chest is like

nothing I have ever felt before, as if my heart is being ripped from my body and sliced into tiny pieces. I want her back so bad. I want to just feel her tiny hand in mine and tuck her into bed.

Lifting my head, my eyes fall on Teddy, Katie’s coveted bear that she left here to ‘take care of me’. I crawl to the small bed and lie my head next to the little bear that, just a few days ago, we tucked into her blankets together until she’d be back. Pressing my face against the little bear, I can’t hold back my tears anymore.

Vandal

I’m a shadow at my daughter’s funeral. The pain I feel in my heart and soul has turned me into a catatonic zombie. I’m there, but I’m not. I stand next to the tiny, white closed casket as people file by and spill out meaningless words awkwardly. I say nothing.

Closed casket. Anyone who’s ever had a person they love end up in a closed casket knows something horrifying is going on under that lid. I know it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to pry it open and see my baby. I want to see the damage that I caused so I can torture myself with it for the rest of my life. I want to feel the pain that she must have endured. I want to live in it and suffer in it like I deserve to.

“Vandal?” My grandmother’s scratchy voice pulls me from my thoughts.

I turn and have to drop my eyes over a foot to meet Gram’s. She squeezes my hand. “Don’t turn to dark places¸ sweetie. Katie will always be watching over you.”

“Gram …”

She tugs at my hand and I follow because there’s no way to deny Gram what she wants. She’s five feet of white-haired awesome. This is the woman who found me five years ago when she realized her estranged son had two grown children that he’d never told her about. She’s the one who insisted Lukas and I get equal shares of my grandfather’s millions. Gram changed my life. If only she had found us sooner.

She leads me outside to the porch of the funeral home. The fresh air feels good and helps to clear my head a little bit.