Loving

‘Yes,’ she admitted huskily.

‘It wasn’t all entirely premeditated,’ Joel added. ‘The idea of getting you to relax via a few glasses of champagne only occurred to me today. I’d noticed that you didn’t recoil quite as strongly from me when I touched you, so I knew you were beginning to relax with me.’

‘But … but how did you know … that, that I’d be responsive to you?’ Lissa asked him. Could he have guessed what she had not? Could he have known that she loved him? She hoped desperately that he did not. What he had said to her had made it plain that he did not love her; compassion and desire were not love.

‘I didn’t. It was a chance I had to take. For all I knew you could have been completely turned off by me physically, but I was hoping the champagne would lower your inhibitions for long enough for me to find out if that air of sensuality you have about you had any basis in reality. No matter what you might have been told, Lissa, one does not have to be wildly or passionately in love to enjoy a sexual relationship.’

‘No, but surely love does add something,’ she protested, remembering the surge of responsiveness she had felt when she realised that she loved him.

‘A great deal,’ he agreed, ‘especially when we’re talking about loving someone as opposed to being in love with them. You and I get on extremely well together Lissa … far better than I’d envisaged. It’s my view that our marriage could be an extremely fulfilling and happy one—for both of us. Tonight was something of an experiment … an attempt on my part to make some reparation to you for the past. I felt I owed it to you to give you the freedom to overcome the past. I think I’ve succeeded, but now it’s up to you to decide whether you wish to use that freedom in staying with me … as my wife … or whether you now feel you want to be free to form other relationships.’

Lissa knew that he was being completely fair and open with her but her heart ached for some whispered words of love … some absurd demand that she remain his and his alone, even if they were lies.

‘Don’t think about it now … Go to sleep.’ As he switched off his lamp he asked teasingly, ‘By the way, am I forgiven for my sins? Plying you with drink … seducing you?’

‘I’ll tell you in the morning,’ Lissa responded drowsily. He wasn’t going to have it all his own way. She might now know that she loved him, but it was a secret she would always keep to herself, she decided sleepily. Something she would do her utmost to conceal from him.

CHAPTER SEVEN

‘LISSA!’

The shrill voice of her niece dragged Lissa from sleep. She opened her eyes tiredly to find Louise and Emma both next to her on the bed, still in their dressing gowns. Thin February sunlight streamed in through the windows, Joel’s side of the bed empty. Her heart thudded in a mingling fear and delight. She shivered slightly wondering if last night had actually happened or if it had all been a dream, and then she glanced at her watch, stunned to discover that it was gone ten. Why hadn’t Joel woken her? Her skin grew warm as she pictured him waking up and watching her sleeping … while she was so vulnerable. It was just as well it was Saturday and that Joel did not have to go over to the factory.

‘Uncle Joel is making breakfast,’ Louise told her importantly. ‘He said we were to let you sleep.’

‘Yes, I did, didn’t I?’ Joel agreed wryly, walking in carrying a tray and putting it down on her bedside table. The rich aroma of the freshly made coffee was mouthwatering. He had also made some toast and the tray was set with a crisp white cloth and a small vase with some snowdrops. Lissa touched their pale fragile petals gently with the tip of her finger, tears stinging her eyes as she did so. She bent her head so that Joel wouldn’t see them, but he lifted her chin with warm fingers and their eyes met. The warmth and tenderness in his held her. For a moment the earth seemed to tilt on its axis, her heart lurching, knocking against her ribs, and then he bent his head and kissed her lingeringly. A tremendous surge of joy welled up inside her, a happiness so intense that she shook with it. Louise clamoured for attention, Joel released her and the moment of intimacy between them was gone, but Lissa thought she would never forget that even though he might not love her he had cared enough to make that special gesture … to let her know in the cold light of morning that he still remembered the night and that he wanted her to remember it too.

Her mood of light-heartedness lasted all through the day. In the afternoon they took the girls shopping. Louise needed new shoes and of course Emma had to have some too. Once on she refused to be parted from them, and they left the shop amidst smiles from the assistants.

Because Joel had missed so many bedtimes during the week, Lissa organised a family tea, allowing the girls to stay up beyond their normal bedtime. While they were eating Joel talked about his plans to improve the bloodstock carried on one of the estate farms. His suave air of sophistication could be misleading, Lissa reflected, remembering how awe-inspiring she had once found it. At heart he was very much a man who felt passionately about the land and everything connected with it. He was also extremely well read and interested in various aspects of the arts, especially music. All in all a complex, intelligent man with a hidden streak of sensitivity that would always endear him to the female sex. Fear brushed her heart leaving it thumping. Joel would always be attractive to other women. Had he loved her she had little doubt that he would remain faithful, but he didn’t. What would happen if he ever met a woman that he did? How he would resent then his commitment to her … She couldn’t bear it if that should happen. Stop it … stop it, she warned herself. She was crossing bridges she hadn’t yet come to, dealing with problems before they arose.

They bathed the girls together, Louise clinging wetly to Lissa while she dried her, snuggling up to her and whispering, ‘I love you, Lissa, do you love me …?’

Hugging her back, Lissa reassured her, suddenly aware that Joel was watching her.

‘What is it?’ she asked him, conscious of some slight withdrawal within him, some coolness that threatened her.

‘Nothing.’ He got up, picking Emma up. ‘I’ll put this one to bed, shall I?’

What had she done to make him withdraw from her like that? Lissa wondered. Had he perhaps thought looking at her of another woman … one whom he might love as he did not love her?

As they prepared for bed Joel said casually, ‘You know we’re going to have to start doing some socialising shortly. People have left us alone knowing about John and Amanda’s deaths, but I’ve had a couple of invitations recently to dinner, drinks, that sort of thing.’

He didn’t say any more, but nor did he make any attempt to touch her once they were in bed, and although Lissa tried to reassure herself that there could be any number of reasons for the coolness she sensed within him she was filled with fear, experiencing for the first time in her life the full vulnerability that comes with love.

On Monday morning Mrs Fuller arrived, and it was soon quite obvious that the girls were going to take to her. Lissa was in Joel’s study going through the post for him when the phone rang. She picked up the receiver automatically, not recognising the cool feminine voice on the other end of the line, explaining that Joel was out.

‘Oh, I see. You must be John’s sister-in-law then, Lisa …’

‘Lissa,’ Lissa corrected, feeling an inexplicable tug of antagonism towards the unknown caller. ‘And actually I’m now Joel’s wife.’

‘Oh yes, of course, I’d forgotten he’d got married.’ The excuse was smoothly bland, but Lissa was not deceived. Her caller had known all right and apprehension started to trickle down her spine. ‘Joel is an old friend of my husband’s,’ the other woman continued. ‘I was ringing to invite him round for dinner, but of course both of you must come. We normally get together once a month or so, but obviously because of the tragedy …’

They eventually fixed a date, Lissa’s caller introducing herself as Marisa Andrews before she rang off.

Lissa knew little of Joel’s friends apart from odd remarks he had made, and although common sense told her it was ridiculous to feel that the other woman had deliberately set out to unnerve her, she still retained a distinct feeling that she had.

When Joel returned she told him about the phone call. He turned to look at the post, his back to her as he said, ‘Marisa and Peter are old friends of mine. Peter and I were at university together. I was actually dating Marisa at the time and I introduced her to Peter.’

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