Buttons & Hate (Buttons 2)

She grabbed her fingers around my length and slowly jerked me up and down. “I’ve only gotten started.”

***

She was quiet on the drive home. Her eyes were glued to the window and the passing hillsides. Homes that were older than most museums sprinkled the land around us. Walls made of cobblestone with ornate windows hinted at ancient history. Abandoned castles could be spotted higher up the hill, closed to the public and a reminder of how old these lands really were. “I don’t want to go back.”

I eyed her from my spot behind the wheel. “You prefer the beach over my estate?” Both were beautiful places but I preferred the lands in the midst of the vineyards. It felt more secluded.

“No. I just prefer the other you.”

The other me?

She answered my unspoken question. “I like it when you let your walls down. I like it when you reveal who you truly are. When we’re at the estate you’re back to business, brooding and silent. You close off from me like always. And it takes forever to pull you back out.”

She observed me with greater detail than I could ever imagine. “You close off from me too.”

“In retaliation.”

My hand moved to hers on her lap. “I am who I am. No one will ever change that. I give you what you want when I can. But you can’t expect me to give it to you all the time.”

“Only when I have buttons...”

I turned my gaze back to the road, the silence filling up the air and making it inhospitable.

“Can I ask you something?”

I looked straight ahead but kept her movements in my peripheral vision.

When I didn’t respond she asked her question. “Do you only do things I enjoy because of the buttons?”

What other reason would I have? “Yes.”

“So, you wouldn’t be so sweet to me otherwise?”

“No.” I didn’t care about shattering her dreams. From the beginning I made it clear she was just my slave. I did horrific things to her because it got me off. That was it.

“Because I like the things you do to me...even without the buttons.” She slowly turned my way, her expression hard and unreadable.

My hand remained on hers. “What are you saying?” I didn’t know what this conversation meant. I didn’t know what conclusion she was trying to reach.

“I just think you enjoy the things I ask you to do...even if you won’t admit it.”

I immediately dropped her hand and moved it to the center padding between us. She could analyze every move I made and every word I spoke but she wouldn’t find the answer she was looking for. “I’m not a romantic guy. I don’t make love. I do those things just for the buttons. I do them so you’ll stay in my possession for as long as possible. Because I love hurting you—very much.”

When that wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear, she turned her gaze back to the window. “I think you’re in denial.”

“I’m not.”

“Well, that’s my opinion. I’m sorry you disagree with it.”

“And I’m sorry you choose to believe a fairytale over reality. I thought you were smarter than that. I thought you were stronger than that.” My voice carried my disappointment. I was initially attracted to her because of her simplified view of the world. She didn’t convince herself things were better than they really were to make herself feel better. She accepted the world as it was—cold and cruel. “You told me men are all the same. You told me you would never trust a man ever again. You told me you never wanted to have a husband and kids.”

“I still stand by the statement. I never said I trusted you. I never said I wanted to marry you and have your children.” Her voice remained steady like she was telling the truth. “But I still care about you. And I think you care about me. That’s all I’m trying to say.” Her voice fell away when she was finished.

I rested my arm on the armrest beneath the window and wished the time would pass. I wanted to be home so I could walk away from her—enjoy my solitude. This woman got under my skin in ways I didn’t like. She observed me when I wasn’t paying attention, and she made me think things that never would cross my mind. I didn’t like it. “What brought on this conversation?” We were fine yesterday before everything shifted.

“You want me to hurt you.”

“Your point?”

“All day you were the man I paid for. And then when I tied you up he disappeared. And...” She shook her head. “Nevermind.”

“Tell me.” I didn’t raise my voice but my authority rang in the air like a loud gong.

“A part of me does want to hurt you.”

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white.