Buttons and Pain (Buttons 3)

“Well, I don’t. And I can’t stop thinking about…you know.”

That hurt the most. Crow never looked at me like I was damaged goods. He fucked me like I was the sexiest thing in the world. In his eyes, Bones had never touched me. He refused to allow me to feel sorry for myself. He expected me to be the strong woman I’d always been. “Jason, you need to stop looking at me like a rape victim.”

“Look, I can’t help it. I try not to but it’s difficult. If you didn’t ask me to spank you with my belt or tie you up, I’d be able to look past it. But I can’t.”

I hated it when people viewed me as weak. What happened to me wasn’t my fault and to hold it against me was simply wrong. Maybe Jason didn’t understand, but it was the most hurtful thing he could say to me. “I’m still me…”

He bowed his head and a quiet sigh left his lips. He closed his eyes for a moment before he reopened them. His arms fell to his sides and he came closer to me. “I know. Pearl, I still love you. I will always love you. But I don’t think I can handle this.”

“I understand.” Maybe only a man like Crow could deal with my past. Maybe only someone just as scarred and ruined could look into my eyes and see everything below the surface. When he moved inside me, it was only the two of us. We didn’t think about the men and woman before each other.

“I’m sorry…I hope I didn’t hurt you.”

“Don’t feel bad, Jason. You’re being honest and I completely understand.”

His hand snaked to mine on the counter and he gently brushed his thumb across my knuckles. “I still want to be friends. I still want to see you.”

He may not feel that way after I told him about Crow. Even though he broke up with me and felt distant for a while, my actions were still inexcusable. “I would love that. But there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

***

Jason sat across from me at the table. He was speechless, saying nothing for nearly two minutes after I finished talking. He rubbed his chin with his fingertips and stared at the surface of the table.

“I know it’s a lot to take in…I don’t expect you to understand.”

“So this guy captured you and kept you as a prisoner for a year…but you fell in love with him?”

When someone else said, I understood just ludicrous it was. “Yeah.”

“But he didn’t feel the same way.”

“No.” That cold reminder made me feel like shit all over again.

“And he’s here now?”

“Yeah.”

“And you kissed him?”

I nodded. “Yeah.” After two months of silence I thought I would be able to resist him. But like no time had passed, I was his prey all over again.

“Okay…” He continued to rub his chin. “You’re right. I don’t get it. It sounds like Stockholm Syndrome.”

“It’s not.” Crow had never done anything harmful to me. He didn’t even make good on his threat to rape me. He took care of me when he could have done worse things. I respected him because he deserved it.

“Does that mean you’re seeing him again?”

I couldn’t mention the button system. Jason would never understand it. “No, not really. He’s here and we’ve talked but we aren’t getting back together.”

“Then why is he here?”

Jealousy. Possessiveness. Insanity. “To check on me.”

He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Couldn’t he have just called?”

“Yeah but he likes to do things in a specific way.” My relationship with Crow could never be explained to a man like Jason. After the ordeal I suffered through I wasn’t normal anymore. And normal people would never understand me. “So…are we okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“I kissed him and fooled around with him last night. You and I weren’t serious but…I still felt guilty for doing it. I hope I didn’t hurt you.”

“No, it’s okay,” he said quickly. “Like I said, I’ve been unsure of this relationship for a few days now. You don’t need to feel bad.”

I was glad we talked this out and preserved our friendship. “I’m glad to hear that. You’re my only friend, Jason. I don’t want to lose you.”

His eyes softened from across the table. His hand snaked around the surface until it reached mine. “You could never lose me. Friends forever, alright?”

I smiled. “Friends forever.”

“But as your friend, I have to say this thing with Crow is beyond my understanding. I’m not sure if spending time with him is such a good idea. Honestly, he sounds like a psychopath.”

I tried not to chuckle. “I’m not getting serious with him again. He’ll be here for a while then he’ll leave. I’ll probably never see him again.”

Jason nodded. “So…are you still in love with him?”