Buttons and Pain (Buttons 3)

His eyes narrowed when he didn’t understand the question. “Forever.”

I closed my eyes because that sounded like a dream come true. I wanted to spend every day under the Tuscan sun with this man. Despite his intensity and range, he was the other half of my soul. I convinced myself I didn’t love him anymore so I could move on with my life but I knew that wasn’t true. My lies weren’t strong enough to fool me. “Crow, do you love me?” I didn’t open my eyes because I didn’t want to see his reaction. I didn’t want to watch him say the painful word.

When he didn’t say anything, that was my answer.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, feeling stung all over again. The same pain was written on his face because he hated himself for hurting me. He hated himself for not saying the words I wanted to hear.

“Then what’s the point?” I whispered. “You want me to live with you but for how long? You’ll get tired of me and want someone else, someone new. And then I’ll be shipped back here to start over once again. I can’t do that, Crow.”

He cupped my face with both hands, looking me straight in the eye. “I’ll never get tired of you, Button. I’ve never felt this way about someone. If I go back without you I’ll just be miserable. I need you in my life. Without you, there is no me.”

How could he say these things but not feel anything more? “I don’t understand, Crow. You say these beautiful things to me but you still don’t love me. I can’t give up everything to be with you unless we feel the same way.” Now my cards were on the table. I admitted I still felt the same way as I did two months ago. I hated myself for giving up that information so easily.

He lowered his hands to my shoulders while a quiet sigh escaped his lips. “I told you I don’t feel love. I told you that I can’t love anyone. It’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just incapable of feeling it.” His hands moved to my waist, his head bowed. “But I can give you everything else besides that. I can give you my fidelity, my loyalty, my honesty, my wealth, my home—everything else. That should be good enough.”

Maybe it would be enough for someone who didn’t love him. Maybe it would be enough for a woman looking for security, wealth, and protection. But I didn’t need any of those things. “Crow, I love living with you because of you. I love sleeping in that beautiful mansion because you’re beside me. I love looking out that window because I can watch you run through the fields. I love Lars because I see his devotion to you. When will you understand that it’s not the things that you offer me that keep me beside you?” My hands moved to his chest, resting over his heart. “It’s just you.”

Chapter Twelve

Crow

The scotch they had at the hotel wasn’t nearly as good as the stuff I had at home. But it had the same effect so I kept drinking it. I sat on the couch in the living room and looked out the window and to the city beyond. Button was probably in her tiny apartment eating a bowl of mac and cheese and watching cable.

She could be living in a mansion with me while staring across the endless fields.

I downed the rest of my glass before I refilled it. The last conversation we had kept playing in my mind like a broken record. She never said the words specifically, but she told me she still loved me. She refused to settle for part of me because she wanted everything.

Now we were at a stalemate.

I could lie and tell her I loved her just to get her to come home with me. But I would never forgive myself for lying to her when I vowed I never would. It was a promise we made to one another a lifetime ago. When it came to Button, I kept all my promises.

I really thought offering her everything else would be enough. If she were any other woman, they would have jumped on the offer like they won the lottery. They would spend my money on expensive clothes and jewelry, and lounge under the olive trees while reading a book in front of the pool. Whether I loved them or not, they wouldn’t care.

But Button cared.

I could drug her and bring her back to Tuscany against her will. I could lock her up and keep her for my own amusement. The idea was tempting, so tempting that it made me hard in my jeans.

But I would never do that to her.