Buttons and Pain (Buttons 3)

Crow sipped his wine and ate slowly, his eyes on me the entire time. Not once on our honeymoon did I look at him and not see him already staring at me. Like I was steel and his eyes were a magnet, he was stuck to me. He set his glass down then stared at me like he was about to say something.

I waited for it.

“I love my ring.”

We hadn’t talked much despite how often we were alone together. We were either out doing fun activities or we were in the room making love—neither required much talking. “I’m glad you liked it. Lars helped me make it.”

He examined his left ring finger before he returned his look to me. “It’s perfect, Button. Couldn’t have asked for anything better.”

In the process of constructing it, I knew it was a perfect fit. The color suited his cold exterior, and the melted buttons were the tokens in our relationship that made us fall in love. Gold and silver weren’t nearly a valuable.

“Maybe we should have talked about this before, but at the time I wasn’t thinking clearly…”

I held my breath as I waited.

“I’m not sure if we should have kids. In my line of work, I’m not sure if it would be a good idea.”

Kids wasn’t something on my mind right now. I was still used to the fact I was married. Crow kidnapped me and forced me to work for my freedom. The fact I fell in love with him was still shocking. “I haven’t really thought about it.”

“I’m not taking it off the table but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

When I thought about my life without children, it made me sad. I didn’t want them today or tomorrow, but someday I would want a son just like his father. I would want a daughter Crow would worship. I wanted a family I never had. “I need to have children, Crow. Not today, but eventually.”

His eyes were unreadable. He stared at me with an expression trained with indifference. Even now I couldn’t always tell what he was thinking. “Again, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”

“Quit your business with Cane. You have the winery.”

“But that business is directly from my family. And Cane is an idiot. He’ll run it into the ground.”

“What does it matter?”

Crow didn’t answer, his eyes still unreadable.

“I think having your own family is more important than helping Cane with the business. It’s not like you won’t see him all the time anyway.” I didn’t want to push him into something he didn’t want to do, but I didn’t want his misplaced loyalty to his family to stop us from being happy. “Cane would understand. And once day he’ll meet someone special and will have to make the same difficult choice.”

Crow drank his wine, his eyes still trained on me.

“You don’t need to do anything right this second, Crow. But I do want to have children. And not just with anyone, but with you. I think you’d make a great father.”

It was the first time he reacted in the conversation. His eyebrows raised with incredulity. “Me? Really?”

“Absolutely. You’re loving, protective, and selfless.”

He finished his wine before he set the empty glass on the table. “I don’t know about that. I love you, but that took me a very long time to come to terms with. I’m calloused and cold, and my hatred is something that will never go away. I’ll never be the family man you think I’ll be.”

“I couldn’t disagree more with that statement.”

Crow pulled his gaze away and looked across the water. “You believe what you want to believe.”

I didn’t want to have this tense argument on our honeymoon, but I didn’t expect it to turn out this way. “I know you, Crow. I know you better than you know yourself. If I think you can do it, you can.”

He dismissed the conversation by remaining quiet. He didn’t eat anymore of his dinner and concentrated on the view across the ocean.

I did the same because looking at him was beginning to be painful. I knew a lifetime with Crow wouldn’t always be easy. He had a lot of issues, a lot of scars. But I was broken too, and in that regard we completed each other.

Crow broke the silence. “I’ll give you children. I promised to love you and make you happy every single day for the rest of your life. You know I’m a man that keeps my word.”

It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but it was close enough. “Thank you.”

***

By the end of the two weeks, we were both sun kissed and drunk off each other. I already lived in paradise but I didn’t want to leave this new place. Mykonos had an ancient beauty that I never experienced in America. I felt like I stepped back in time and stared at the world with a new pair of eyes.