Buttons and Shame (Buttons 4)

When she came into the kitchen, she could look at me this time. Yesterday, she avoided me, like crossing my path would mean certain death. After thinking about it for a while, I realized she was just embarrassed.

She was embarrassed that she enjoyed sucking my cock.

She was embarrassed that she wanted me to fuck her.

She was embarrassed that she wanted me.

I didn’t have to be a victim to understand the conflict. She’d been tortured and raped by scary men. She shouldn’t enjoy being desired by another man who was just as cruel. She struggled to accept her lustful feelings, as natural as they were.

I poured a mug of coffee and handed it to her, with a little cream and sugar. As a custom, I noticed little details around me all the time. I studied people’s habits so I could understand them better. For instance, I knew Crow was right-handed, but he always held his fork in his left hand. I suspected it was so he could grab his knife at any moment and stab someone in the throat—if he had to.

She stared at the mug in surprise before she took it. “Thank you…”

“I had some leftover eggs. You want them?” I ate two eggs every day, but I prepared four because I thought she might be hungry. I didn’t go out of my way to do anything for anyone. But for some reason, I wanted to make sure she was comfortable in my home.

“Yeah, sure.”

I scooped them onto the plate and set it on the kitchen counter. “Need anything else?”

“I think I’ll make some toast.” She took a slice of the Italian roll on the counter and shoved it into the toaster.

I moved to the table in front of the window and looked through the newspaper, always interested in the crimes that happened throughout Italy. I knew all the members of the big mobs, including the Skull Brothers, and I usually knew about the big jobs before they hit the press.

She sat beside me with her eggs and toast and ate quietly, hardly attracting any attention. It seemed like she wanted to disappear, not to make any sudden moves for fear of what I might do to her.

She was preoccupied with her food and didn’t notice that her coffee was sitting at the very edge. If she accidentally bumped it, it would crash to the floor. Just when I had the thought, she shifted her arm and tapped it.

I threw my arm out and caught it just before it tipped over.

Adelina instinctively threw her arms in front of her face and protected her body. She stiffened and quickly scooted to the other edge of the seat, darting out of the way of an attack that wasn’t coming.

I held on to the mug and stared at her, feeling like shit.

She breathed hard then slowly lowered her arms when she realized my fists weren’t flying at her face. She finally brought her hands to her chest and looked at me with embarrassment in her eyes, realizing what actually happened.

I cleared my throat and returned the mug to the center of the counter where she couldn’t accidentally knock it over again. I’d never forget the way she twisted away from me, ducking for cover like I was about to turn her into a punching bag.

I remembered the way Pearl lay on the ground inside of Crow’s mansion. Blood was everywhere, and she was cold and blue. It didn’t matter how weak she was. It didn’t stop me from striking her again, from wanting to cause her as much pain as possible.

I closed my eyes and cleared the thoughts, feeling guilt surge deep inside me. I was offended Adelina assumed I would punch her, especially for no reason at all, but I knew she had every right to feel that way.

I’d nearly killed an innocent woman.

I sipped my coffee just so I had something to do. Now it was awkward for both of us. She was obviously scared of me the same way she was scared of Tristan, but I couldn’t assure her I was any different.

I was no fucking different.

She finally grabbed her fork again and started eating.

I stared out the window and was at a loss for words. I wanted to ask how she slept the night before, but the words wouldn’t form on my tongue. I wanted to tell her she looked beautiful that morning, but I couldn’t get myself to say that either.

So I didn’t say anything at all.

The doorbell rang from the front of the house.

Adelina stiffened again. “Who is that?”

“How will I know until I answer the door?” I said like a smartass. I got up and pushed the chair in.

“Did you send Tristan for me?” The terror in her voice made me stop in my tracks.

“No.”

She relaxed again, closing her eyes and dragging her hands down her face.