Buttons and Shame (Buttons 4)

“I’m guessing he didn’t say much, then. If he did, you definitely wouldn’t describe him in that way.”

She continued to smile. “You can’t fool me, Cane. I know you’re fond of your brother.”

“How so?” I didn’t talk about him often, and I never introduced them.

“I can just tell. Pearl means a lot to you too. If she didn’t, you wouldn’t let her get away with most of the stuff she does.”

She’d caught me so I didn’t deny it. “I did something terrible to her when we first met. She forgave me when I didn’t deserve it, and then she risked her life to save mine…so she can do whatever she wants.”

Adelina was quiet, like she expected me to tell her what I did on my own. When I didn’t say anything, she pressed me on it. “What terrible thing did you do?”

Pearl would tell her eventually, so I didn’t bother hiding it. “I nearly beat her to death.” I stared at my glass because I couldn’t meet her look. I’d never felt more ashamed of my actions until then. Adelina had suffered in the same way Pearl had, and I didn’t feel any better than Tristan. In a way, it felt like I had hurt Adelina myself, even though I’d never laid a hand on her.

Instead of being repulsed, her voice remained steady. “Why?”

“Crow and I decided to use her to get revenge for our sister. Crow refused to torture Pearl, so I took it upon myself. He got to the house just in time, and he shot me to get me off her.” I rubbed my arm where the bullet had pierced my skin. “Later, Bones took me and used me as bait. He said he wanted to switch me for Pearl. At the time, I thought that was the end for me. I was going to wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. But Pearl made the trade without telling Crow…because she knew he needed me.”

Adelina’s breathing slowly increased, her chest rising and falling at a faster rate. Her fingers intertwined in her lap, and she stared at the floor. Her thoughts were a mystery behind her eyes, but her emotions were clear.

She was terrified of me.

As she should be.

“I would never hurt you.” I didn’t know what possessed me to say that. I liked being unpredictable, making everyone around me walk on eggshells because they had no idea what I would do. I was capable of anything, even shooting someone between the eyes just for disagreeing with me. It made my employees more productive and my enemies more fearful. But I didn’t want Adelina to feel that way. I didn’t want her to be scared of me the way she was with Tristan. I desired her in many ways, but I’d never wanted to cause her any harm.

She lifted her chin and met my gaze, her mocha eyes brilliant. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She held her cards close to her chest like this wasn’t her first round. She’d been surrounded by terrifying men for a long time now. In her eyes, I probably wasn’t any different. “I know.”

I stared at her blankly, unable to believe what she’d just said. I confessed that I nearly killed Pearl with my bare hands, and she didn’t slide to the other side of the couch. She met my look like she wasn’t afraid, even though she had every right to be. Her response didn’t make any sense. “You know?”

“Maybe you used to be that way, but I can tell you aren’t like that anymore. You’re much softer. I saw it when you spoke to Pearl. She said she was disappointed in you, and I could tell you were affected by it.”

I was affected by it. I respected Pearl the same way I respected Crow, and not just because she was my brother’s wife. She was a strong badass who never gave up. She deserved every ounce of my reverence.

“And if you were gonna hurt me, you would have done it already. I’ve seen cruelty with my own eyes—and you aren’t it.”

I never thought I would take a statement like that as a compliment. It filled my chest with a strange sense of warmth. If someone told me they weren’t afraid of me, it would piss me off. I’d been with submissives and I’d paid whores to whip them across the back, but I never considered doing those things with her—because of what she’d been through.

“I think you could be a good man if you really wanted to be,” she whispered. “Pearl told me how Crow used to be. Now he’s gentle with her. I saw it with my own eyes. Anyone can change if they want it badly enough.”

I’d never wanted to change. I just wish I hadn’t made a serious mistake. “I don’t want to be a good man.” I didn’t want to stop being a criminal and get a real job. I didn’t want to pay taxes. I didn’t want to stop killing men who got in my way. I didn’t want to settle down with one woman and have kids. I wanted to live outside the law for as long as possible. “I just don’t want to hurt you. Big difference.”