My Favorite Half-Night Stand
I reread it once, and then again. It’s simple but . . . better than anything I’d come up with on my own.
I’m reminded of the day I showed up at Millie’s last summer, in the impulsive mood to tear down the highway with the windows down and music turned up loud. We drove toward San Luis Obispo, and found a tiny new brewery there, had a lunch of messy burgers and tangy IPAs, and then drove home, quieter on the way back, with full bellies and the sound of flapping air and Tom Petty in the car. It was the perfect day with the perfect person.
And I remember when all five of us tried to surf, and only Chris managed to get up on the board while the rest of us gave up and watched from the warm sand of the shore. Millie was beside me, wearing a blue two-piece. She didn’t bother to spread out her towel; her stomach and legs were dusted with coarse sand, her eyes closed and face tilted up to the sky. We were new friends; she’d only been out of the relationship with Dustin for a matter of weeks at that point, and it was the first time we’d really talked about it—after a decent amount of prodding on my end: about how distracted Dustin was, about how weird it felt to be single, about how relieved she was to no longer be living with someone with such a hot temper.
I see our moments in every line of this profile, except one: I don’t know how she knows that I can’t imagine going on a date with only drinks, that a first date over coffee seems odd to me. I wonder whether she sees deeper, too, to a place even I can’t really access, and which understands better than my conscious mind does the ache I feel at the thought of Millie also writing a profile for herself, for others out there to read.
I’m unprepared for the way this hits me. The train of thought gives me a lurching nausea that resembles what I felt earlier, talking to Mom—the sense of something being all wrong. I press the heels of my hands to my eyes, and then open the IM thread with the guys.
Reid Campbell
Ok Millie’s attempt at my profile is pretty good.
Christopher Hill
Let’s see it.
Reid Campbell
You, too. Here’s mine . . .
I paste it in, and then read theirs as they pop up on the screen.
Christopher Hill
My friends would call me the calmest member of our group, and although I think it’s true, I sometimes feel like I have so much strident curiosity burning inside me that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to retire. I have a silver Labrador named Maisie, and she is the current love of my life, but there’s absolutely room in there for more. Having married—and later divorced—my high school sweetheart, I learned not that relationships are treacherous, but that finding the right one isn’t easy, and we are all constantly growing with the world around us. I am a devoted fan of Cal football, roosters in any form, road biking, and will drive a hundred miles to find the best doughnut.
Christopher Hill
That rooster line is going, but otherwise—it’s pretty good.
Alex Ramirez
I love her so hard for slipping that in. Here’s mine: I see so many people around here emphasizing how laid-back they are, and I’ll be honest: that’s not me at all—I love to get out there and make some noise. I grew up racing dirt bikes in Huntington Beach, and now spend as much free time as I can mountain biking in the hills around Santa Barbara. I love to cook, I love to eat, and I love to dance my face off at weddings. But don’t worry—I don’t need to find someone who loves all the things I do, I want to find someone who knows who she is, is happy with who I am, and is ready to get out there and have some fun.
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
And by fun, you mean sex.
Alex Ramirez
100%
Reid Campbell
Ed, where’s yours?
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
I live in one of the most active places in California, but I admit to being a bit of a homebody. Don’t get me wrong—I love being outdoors, but I prefer the quiet version: the beach at night, the shaggy coastline, the hills at dusk. Some people are happiest out and about—me, I’m happiest when I’m in the lab or with my circle of friends, enjoying a good meal, and cracking jokes. I may never be the first across the finish line, but I will be laughing the entire trip no matter what. Honestly, I’m just looking for someone who wants to be there, laughing right next to me.
Reid Campbell
Wow. These are good.
Christopher Hill
Has anyone seen Millie’s?
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
No.
Christopher Hill
I mean, if we’re loading these now, we’ll see hers soon right?
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
Not necessarily because even if she posts it online, men can’t see women’s full profiles unless they’re granted access to them. So, you’d have to like her photo and basic profile and hope that she gives you access.
Reid Campbell
But wouldn’t she? With us?
Christopher Hill
I mean we’re not planning to date Mills, so maybe not.
Alex Ramirez
Why not just ask her to send it to you dumbass
Reid Campbell
Ok, I will. Let me add her.
[Millie Morris has joined the chat]
Millie Morris
What up losers
Reid Campbell
These profiles are awesome
Millie Morris
I know! I’m really good at this.
Alex Ramirez
Let’s see yours
Millie Morris
Alex, please. At least buy me dinner first.
Alex Ramirez
Oh, girl, I would buy you dinner AND dessert if you catch my drift
Millie Morris
Well that escalated quickly.
Reid Campbell
In the darkroom, right Alex?
Alex Ramirez
What?
Millie Morris
What?
Reid Campbell
Never mind. Mills—show us your profile.
Millie Morris
Okay hang on. Then I’ve got to jet to class . . .
Millie Morris
Here tit is. Enjoy. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt. I’ve always been drawn to the eccentric, the eerie, the unbelievable. I’m a lover of books and beaches, movies and mayhem. If you want to know more, just ask!
[Millie Morris has left the chat]
Christopher Hill
. . . An Eleanor Roosevelt quote? Is Millie a lesbian?
Reid Campbell
Not that I know of, but now I’m questioning everything.
Alex Ramirez
Huh. I feel like that last sentence could take Millie’s inbox to a lot of interesting places.
Reid Campbell
So I’m not the only one who was underwhelmed by this?
Christopher Hill
Are any of us surprised that it says nothing about her?
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
Maybe she’s anticipating guys being sort of gross so she’s sharing less?
Christopher Hill
Maybe.
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
Someone should tell her that sucked. NOT IT
Christopher Hill
Not it
Alex Ramirez
NOT IT
Reid Campbell
W O W.
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
What? She likes you the most
Reid Campbell
Who doesn’t?
Reid Campbell
So are we doing this? I have to get back to work.
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
Mine is ready to go. I’m using that pic Chris took of me last summer.
Christopher Hill
The one where you’re dressed as Grimace? I think that’s a bad choice.
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
No, the one of me on your back deck, you dick.
Christopher Hill
Marginally better.
Alex Ramirez
Clicking submit in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
Reid Campbell
Here we go.
Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio
Oh, and “tits.” Everyone notice she typed tits again?
Alex Ramirez
Classic Millie. Loves tits. Maybe she is a lesbian.
Reid Campbell
Focus.
Chapter five
millie
My phone is ringing before the sun is even up.
Well, ringing isn’t quite right; it’s buzzing incessantly from somewhere beneath my back. I try to roll away before realizing I’m tangled in the sheets and extracting myself feels like a lot of work—my arms are asleep, my head is foggy, and I’m not ready to leave this Chris Hemsworth dream.