A Dirty Job (Grim Reaper 1)

"Can you make ham from woodchuck?" Nemain asked.

"Don't know," said Macha.

"I don't remember woodchuck," Nemain said.

Babd sighed heavily. "Things are going so well. Do you two ever think about when we are Above all the time, and Darkness rules all, about, you know, what then?"

"What do you mean, what then?" Macha asked. "We will hold dominion over all souls, and visit death as we wish until we consume all the light of humanity. "

"Yeah, I know," Babd said, "but then what? I mean, you know, dominion and all that is nice, but will Orcus always have to be around, snorting and growling?"

Macha put down her skull and sat up on a blackened beam. "What's this about?"

Nemain smiled, her teeth perfectly even, the canines just a little too long. "She's pining about that skinny soul stealer with the sword. "

"New Meat?" Macha couldn't believe her ears, which had become visible only a few days ago when the first of the gift souls had wandered into their claws, so they hadn't been tested in a while. "You like New Meat?"

"Like is a little strong," Babd said. "I just think he's interesting. "

"Interesting in that you'd like to arrange his entrails in interesting patterns in the dirt?" Macha said.

"Well, no, I'm not talented that way like you. "

Macha looked at Nemain, who grinned and shrugged. "We could probably try to kill Orcus once Darkness rises," Nemain said.

"I am a little tired of his preaching, and he'll be impossible if the Luminatus doesn't appear. " Macha shrugged a surrender. "Sure, why not. "

THE EMPEROR

The Emperor of San Francisco was troubled. He sensed that something very wrong was going on in the City, yet he was at a loss as to what to do. He didn't want to alarm the people unduly, but he did not want them to be unprepared for whatever danger they might face. He believed that a just and benevolent ruler would not use fear to manipulate his people, and until he had some sort of proof that there was an actual threat, it would be criminal to call for any action.

"Sometimes," he said to Lazarus, the steadfast golden retriever, "a man must muster all of his courage to simply sit still. How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend? How much?"

Still, he'd been seeing things, strange things. One late night in Chinatown he'd seen a dragon made of fog snaking through the streets. Then, early one morning, down by the Boudin Bakery at Ghirardelli Square, he saw what looked like a nude woman covered in motor oil crawl out of a storm sewer and grab a tall, half-full latte cup out of the trash, then dive right back in the sewer as a policeman on a bicycle rounded the corner. He knew that he saw these things because he was more sensitive than other people, and because he lived on the streets and could sense the slightest nuance of change there, and largely because he was completely barking-at-the-moon batshit. But none of that relieved him of the responsibility to his people, nor did it ease his mind about the disturbing nature of what he was seeing.

The squirrel in the hoop skirt was really bothering the Emperor, but he couldn't exactly say why. He liked squirrels - often took the men to Golden Gate Park to chase them, in fact - but a squirrel walking upright and digging through the trash behind the Empanada Emporium while wearing a pink ball gown from the eighteenth century - well - it was off-putting. He was sure that Bummer, who was curled up sleeping in the oversized pocket of his coat, would agree. (Bummer, being a rat dog at heart, had a less than enlightened outlook upon coexistence with any rodent, no less one dressed for the court of Louis XVI. )

"Not to be critical," said the Emperor, "but shoes would be a welcome complement to the ensemble, don't you think, Lazarus?"

Lazarus, normally tolerant of all noncookie creatures great and small, growled at the squirrel, who appeared to have the feet of a chicken sticking out from under her skirt, which - you know - was weird.

With the growl, Bummer squirmed awake and emerged from the woolen bedchamber like Grendel from his lair. He immediately erupted into an apoplectic barking fit, as if to say, You guys, in case you didn't notice, there's a squirrel in a ball gown going through the trash over there and you're just sitting here like a couple of concrete library lions! The message thus barked, off he went, a furry squirrel-seeking missile, bent on single-minded annihilation of all things rodent.

"Bummer," called the Emperor. "Wait. "

Too late. The squirrel had tried to take off up the side of the brick building, but snagged her skirt on a gutter and fell back to the alley, just as Bummer was hitting full stride. Then the squirrel snatched up a small board from a broken pallet and swung it at his pursuer, who leapt just in time to miss taking a nail in one of his bug eyes.

Growling ensued.

The Emperor noticed at that point that the squirrel's hands were reptilian in nature, the fingernails painted a pleasant pink to match her gown.

"You don't see that every day," the Emperor said. Lazarus barked in agreement.

The squirrel dropped the board and took off toward the street, moving nicely on her chicken feet, her skirt held up in her lizard hands. Bummer had recovered from the initial shock of a weapon-wielding squirrel (something he had encountered before only in doggie nightmares brought on by the late-night gift of chorizo pizza from a charitable Domino's guy) and took off after the squirrel, followed closely by the Emperor and Lazarus.

"No, Bummer," the Emperor called. "She's not a normal squirrel. "

Lazarus, because he did not know how to say "well, duh," stopped in his tracks and looked at the Emperor.