Before Now (Sometimes Never 2)

“Was it because of Hope?” she asks.

I pop another smoke between my lips and light it quickly. I hate this conversation. My legs are begging me to walk away, but I promised I wouldn’t do that again. I started this—I’m going to see it through.

“No. Yes. It was a lot of things. It was Hope, it was my dad, it was my life. I just didn’t want to keep struggling. Everything fucking hurt and I was so sick of it.”

“Do you still… Do you still not care if you live or die?”

I move in front of her with determination. “I’ve been searching for a reason to care. I didn’t even know I was fucking looking, but then you shot me in the face with that squirt gun and everything that happened before slowly stopped mattering.”

I dig my fingers into her mass of hair and pull her into me. “I care,” I whisper against her ear.

“You still drink. After that, you still get drunk night after night.”

It’s not a question. It’s not an accusation. She says it so calmly, so matter-of-factly. And that’s exactly what it is. It’s a plain and simple fact. But I feel the tension in her body and I know it scares her. It scares me too. I’d like to reassure her, but she needs to know who I am.

“Yes, I still drink. Because that’s the kind of person I am. I’m a careless, selfish bastard and I will always put my needs before anybody else’s. But I don’t want to be this way.”

“You don’t have to be this way,” she murmurs. “You’re better than that.”

I don’t know what it is about this girl, but when she says shit like that, I fucking believe her.

35

Lucy

The door opens quickly, slamming against the brick wall. “Hey, man. We’re on.” I look up at the drummer from Park’s band and he lifts his chin, acknowledging me.

“Give me a few more minutes, Lewis. Okay?” Park doesn’t look away from me, so he doesn’t see Lewis nod his agreement before heading back inside.

As Park leans in to kiss me, I catch the remaining faded bruise near his eye, and a shocking realization hits me. I press on his chest, holding him back. “If you care, why didn’t you fight back?”

His dark brows draw together in confusion. “What?”

I feel my eyes beginning to water. My stomach twists and I feel sick. I reach out, resting my hand on the building for support. “You didn’t fight back when those guys jumped you, Park. I know you didn’t. And if you care now, like you say you do, then why would you do that?”

I study his face, waiting for some kind of explanation. For him to give me something. Some kind of hope. Anything to take this feeling away. He shakes his head, his face paling more and more with each passing second.

“Tell me,” I plead. Was that what he was trying to do? Was he trying to die that night? I think I’m going to throw up. “Tell me,” I say louder.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“The truth.” My voice quivers over the two small words. “Did you care the night you let those guys hurt you?”

“Yes.” He twists his fingers into his hair, his eyes flicking over my face. “I cared, but I couldn’t take all the shit that was running through my head. There was just too much. I wanted to feel less…or different. I don’t know. Once they started on me, everything else faded, and… I honestly don’t know. It was stupid, but I learned my lesson. I’ve paid for it, believe me.”

The door opens again and Park closes his eyes, his jaw tight. “Dude, they’re getting impatient,” Lewis calls. “You need to get in here.”

I reach out and take Park’s hand. His eyes open, peering down at our interlocked fingers and I tug lightly. “Come on. Your fans are getting rowdy.” I offer him a smile and he finally moves toward the door with me.

Just before I’m about to step inside, he twists us away, pressing me into the wall, and kisses me. His lips on mine, his taste on my tongue, it eases the anxiety of the past few minutes. I melt into him, holding on to this moment.

He pulls back and draws his thumb across my lip. “I don’t love you,” I breathe.

His head tips to the side. One side of his mouth twitches up into a smirk and he cocks a brow. His thumb trails down until he’s caressing my neck. “I don’t love you either,” he says softly. “Not at all.”

“Dude, seriously,” Lewis announces, the frustration evident in his voice. “Crazy, horny females getting out of control in here. Let’s go, dickhead.”

“You better go.” I give him a little shove and he grabs my hand.

“Are you going to be with Jessie?”

I nod. “And Bree. If I can find them.”

“They should be up front.” He pauses and grins. “I’ll see you after the show.”

“Okay,” I agree. “Good luck, break a leg, and all that.”

His smile widens. He leans into me, his breath warm on my skin. “Just so you know—I lied,” he states. And then he saunters off, leaving me to watch as he hops up on the stage and grabs the mic from the stand.

What did he lie about? The same thing I lied about? I bite down on my lip and turn to find Bree. I take two steps and slam into a hard chest. I bounce back, nearly falling. Large hands reach out gripping my arms.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, embarrassed. “Thanks for the save.” I tip my head back to see who I nearly trampled and my heart jumps into my throat.

“Hi Lulu. You look good.”

“Jared.” I yank my arms from his grasp, crossing them over my chest.

“How’ve you been?” he asks. He moves closer as if to hear me better over the crowd, but I don’t want him that close. I step back.

“Great. You?”

“I’ve missed you.”

He missed me. Right.

I narrow my eyes, taking in his long, sandy colored hair that I used to think was so sexy, and his hazel eyes that used to captivate me. And I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing for this man. He’s just a stranger now. And I wonder how I ever cried over him.

I smile at him sweetly like he’s one of my difficult customers. “I can’t say the same. Enjoy the show. I’ll tell Jessie you said hi.”

He rubs his lips together, his fingers working through his mane of hair. “Jessie’s here?”

I nod as I glance around. “Mm-hm. Somewhere.”

“He still pissed at me?”

“I couldn’t say.” I’m done with this conversation. I just want to find my friends and watch my boyfriend sing. I look over my shoulder, wondering why they haven’t started yet and meet Park’s eyes. His brows lift in question and I shake my head.

“You know that guy?” Jared asks, drawing my attention back to him.

“He’s my boyfriend.” I sidestep him and he turns with me, cutting me off.

“You’re joking, right?”

I finally spot the top of Bree’s head, bouncing up and down. I can picture her springing back and forth from her toes to her heels like she does when she gets impatient. “What?” I say, distracted.

“You’re not really with Park Reed, are you?”

I put my hands out at my sides, palms up. “Why?”

“You had a stick up your ass over me, but you’ll get with him? Doesn’t make sense.” He chuckles, his eyes roaming over me.

I feel my nose crinkle in disgust. “Don’t compare yourself to Park. You don’t even come close to measuring up.”

I look back up to the stage. Park’s placing the mic back on the stand and I know he’s getting ready to come down here. Jared needs to back up now.

“I have to go,” I add as I push past him. The instant I make contact with him, the night of the party rushes in with a series of bad memories.

“Hey, you should take my number,” Jared calls reaching for my arm. “You can hit me up when he’s done with you.” I jerk away. I don’t want his hands on me.

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. I glare up at him. He puts his hands up and shrugs.

“Just being honest.”

“No, you’re being a jerk.” I glance back and I can’t see Park on stage anymore. “Look,” I say, “you need to walk away. I don’t want your number. I don’t want anything to do with you. I haven’t since the night you showed your true colors.”

“Yeah. All right,” he replies. “It was nice seeing you, Lulu.” His eyes cling to me as they travel my body. “Good luck with your boyfriend.” The way he says boyfriend makes me want to punch him, but I just turn around and start making my way through the crowd, searching for Park.

Like he has some special radar I’m attuned with, I find him quickly. I wiggle past a few girls circled together talking loudly in their drunken states. And then he’s in front of me.

“Hey.”

“Who was that?” He looks over my head as if he’s trying to locate him.

I wave my hand through the air, brushing away his question. “Jared. He’s just this guy I used to know.”

“Jared?” Park’s eyes narrow. “Jessie’s last roommate?”

I frown at him. “Yeah. You know him?”

“Just what Jessie’s told me. What’d he fucking say to you? Did that motherfucker touch you?”

“I took care of it,” I say. “Shouldn’t you be working?” I remind him.

He shakes his head sharply, taking my hand. “Not until I get you over to Jessie. I know he’ll kick that dude’s ass if he fucks with you again.”

He takes his cell out of his pocket and clicks out a quick text before returning his attention to me. “What’d he say to you? You looked upset.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say.

“It matters to me,” Park counters, his voice turning almost scary.

“He was just being a jerk. I handled it. You’d have been proud of me.” I wink, trying to reassure him.

“I’m always proud of you.” He squeezes my hand. “But if he comes near you again I’m going to beat his fucking ass.”

I huff out a laugh. “Calm down, caveman.”

“I’m serious, Lucy. I didn’t like the look on your face when he was talking to you. It makes me want to kill him. I’m actually using a hell of a lot of self-control not going after him right now.”

My peace loving parents would be appalled over his speech, but I’m overwhelmed with the desire to pounce on him and kiss him silly. Because not only is it his first instinct to protect me from someone who upsets me, but also for the simple fact that he’s holding that instinct back to stay and make sure I’m okay.

I’m pretty sure I’m falling helplessly in love with him.

***

As soon as the last song ends, Park hops off the stage and makes his way straight to me. Taking my hand, he tugs me out of my seat, and wordlessly pulls me out the door.

“What’s wrong?” I ask as we near his car.

He swings me around quickly, his hands sliding around my hips as he backs me up against the door. His body invades my personal space, making my heart beat erratically how only Park can. “The only thing wrong is that we’re here, talking about what’s wrong, instead of at home. In bed.”

“Oh, you’re tired?” I tease breathlessly.

“Hell no. Sleep is the last thing on my mind. But I do want you in my bed. Naked. For the rest of the night.” His fingers tighten, pressing into my skin in this way that makes my whole body come alive for him. Only him.

“What are you waiting for then?”

“This…” Leaning in, he licks his lips just before touching them to mine. And that’s all it takes. My hand goes to his stomach. I twist his shirt, pulling him closer in order to deepen the kiss.