Forgetting You

“Fuckin’ hell, Noah.”

I held on to the support poles on the wall while Elliot got the shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and a washcloth.

“I’ll wash your hair,” he told me. “I can see your wound. You can’t.”

His voice had an edge to it, like he was angry, so I didn’t question his decision. I had twenty-six stitches that stretched back from my temple to behind my ear. They had been removed, but the jagged line was there and was no longer scabbed over. The hair on that side of my head was shaved, and that still horrified me but I reassured myself that it would grow back eventually. I leaned back against Elliot as he poured shampoo on my head and gently massaged my scalp, cleaning away weeks of dirt, grime and dried blood. My lips parted and another moan escaped me.

“That feels so good.”

Elliot didn’t reply to me, he just continued with his massage, and after several long minutes he rinsed my hair until the water ran clear. He repeated the steps for me two more times when I asked him to. I told myself it was because my head hadn’t been thoroughly scrubbed in weeks, and while that was true . . . it was his touch that I was trying to prolong.

When my hair was conditioned and rinsed, I took over. I took the soaked washcloth that was coated with shower gel and I scrubbed my skin until it came up pink. I bent over to wash down my legs and Elliot cursed. I looked back and found his eyes on the ceiling. After that, I quickly washed the rest of my body. When the water was shut off, I sat back down on the seat while Elliot got me a towel.

I squeezed water from my wet strands, then got to my feet with the aid of the support poles as Elliot held open a large bath towel in front of me. I smiled when he wrapped it, and his arms, around me.

“Thank you.”

He kissed my head. “You’re welcome.”

I hobbled over to the sink with his help and wiped away the steam. My towel fell down a little, and I gasped as I looked at the first true reflection of my new body.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

NOAH

“What the fuck happened to me?”

I wasn’t asking Elliot, and I think he knew that because he didn’t answer.

“This body is mine but it’s not at the same time,” I continued. “How could I let myself go like this?”

My stomach was destroyed with stretch marks, some light pink and others dark purple. My breasts were the same, and from what I could see of my thighs, they were there too. With a lump in my throat, I covered myself up with my towel and turned away from the mirror, not wanting to see myself any more. Elliot stood before me, dripping wet, with a big frown on his handsome face.

“You’re beautiful, sasanach. Just a different beautiful than what you remember.”

His sweet words were the crack that broke the dam. I burst into tears, and in seconds he had me gathered up in his strong arms and was whispering beautiful words in my ear that I needed to hear. I leaned against him heavily, until my sobs turned to sniffles. I felt like a train wreck.

No matter what Elliot or anyone else said to me, I was living in a body that I didn’t recognise. I had felt conflicted and out of place as I tried to come to terms with my new life, but seeing first-hand how different my body was made me feel even more disconnected to who I was as a person. I was in the body of the 2020 version of myself, I was living her life, married to her man – but I didn’t want it. Any of it. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I couldn’t live in denial; I had to accept that this was my new normal even though this new normal hurt my heart.

“Come on,” he murmured. “Let’s get ye dressed before ye catch a cold.”

I nodded and secured my towel over my breasts, then with the help of Elliot, I hopped back out into my room. When I sat on the bed, Elliot was quick to lock the door just in case I got any unexpected visitors. He mopped up the water that had dripped from my body on to the floor and audibly scolded himself for not placing a towel down on the floor ahead of time.

“Calm down, Mary Poppins.” I wiped my cheeks. “A bit of water never hurt anyone.”

“It could hurt you if ye slip.”

“Fair point.”

He returned to the bathroom to dry and dress himself, and I used this time to dry myself down. Then I wrapped my towel back around me, stood up and was just about to hop over to the tiny wardrobe that each hospital room was equipped with, to get fresh underwear and a set of pyjamas. When the bathroom door opened, I froze as Elliot glared at me from the doorway. Instantly, I smiled at him.