A Night of No Return

‘Why? Where was your mother?’

‘She died.’ Slowly, she turned her head, her eyes uncertain as she looked at him. ‘This is way too much information. Do you honestly want to hear it?’

‘Yes.’ Lucas surprised himself by saying that. ‘All of it.’

She gestured awkwardly. ‘It’s just that we don’t normally do the whole personal conversation thing—’

‘Well, we’re doing it now. I think we’ve already overstepped what might be considered personal boundaries and we’ve definitely passed the point of worrying about what we normally do,’ he said dryly, ‘so just talk. I want to know what happened.’

She paused. ‘Mum found out that she was pregnant, and it was … difficult. For all of us. She was a single parent. My dad left when I was a baby so it was just her and us. And then Jamie.’

‘So Jamie’s dad isn’t your father?’ Relationships, he thought. Always complicated.

‘No. And Jamie’s father … well, he wasn’t around either.’ She didn’t look at him. ‘And then, neither was my mum. Five days after the birth she had a pulmonary embolism—a blood clot that lodged in her lung. Something to do with the birth and the hospital missed it.’ She leaned her forehead against the window and stared down at the snow. ‘She died when Jamie was just days old. And that was really … hard.’ That single word encapsulated so much unspoken emotion.

He tried to imagine how that must have felt—to be fifteen and rushing home to care for a baby at a time when she was still a child herself. ‘How the hell did you manage?’

‘My grandparents moved in with us for a few years, and that was the worst time of all. When they first found out Mum was pregnant, they were horrified and they said so. Truthfully, they were vile to her.’ Her composure slipped slightly, exposing a seam of anger. ‘Then when she died they couldn’t separate how they felt from the way they reacted to Jamie. They saw Jamie as the reason she was dead and it was just horrible. It was obvious that they just saw him as a mistake and a burden. That’s why I snapped at you just now. That was exactly the word they used. “Sacrifice”. They told us that Mum had ruined everyone’s lives and if we kept Jamie we’d be throwing our lives away. They wanted us to put him up for adoption. They didn’t want him—their own flesh and blood. Can you believe that?’

Lucas felt the ache in his temples. The pressure.

Yes, he could believe that.

‘But you refused.’

‘It was a hideous time. My sister and I decided to consult a lawyer and after a long, complicated battle which I don’t intend to bore you with, we were given custody.’

‘Long and complicated?’ Another understatement, he thought, oddly disturbed by the thought of two teenage girls taking on the world in order to keep their baby brother with them.

‘We had to show we were able to care for him. Fortunately there was money from Mum’s life insurance. My sister gave up her plans to go to college and instead became a teaching assistant at a school with a crèche.’

‘And your grandparents?’

She rubbed her forehead with her fingers, her expression resigned. ‘Let’s just say it’s a tense relationship. For Jamie’s sake we wanted it to work out but life doesn’t always happen the way you want it to.’

And didn’t he know it. ‘I had no idea you had such a complicated history. You never mentioned it.’

‘Why would I mention it? My private life isn’t exactly relevant to the practise of architecture.’

‘And no doubt you’re about to tell me that this man you met, who was probably the love of your life, dumped you because you had a baby to care for?’

‘Actually I dumped him. He was putting so much pressure on me to lead my own life and didn’t seem able to understand Jamie is my life. Not my whole life, obviously, but a huge part of it. As for Edward being the love of my life—’ She broke off and shrugged. ‘For a while I thought he was, but I was wrong. I could never love someone who had such a casual attitude towards responsibility.’

‘What about since then? Are you telling me you haven’t dated?’

‘As I said, the only place I meet people is at work and I’d never date anyone from work.’ Her smile was a rueful acknowledgement of the contradiction offered by their current position. ‘Which leads me neatly back to the place we started. Lucas, you have to accept my resignation.’

‘No.’ He heard the ice in his own voice. ‘That is not going to happen. And I can’t believe you’d even suggest it.’