The Hostile Hospital (A Series of Unfortunate Events 8)

"The cord is all ready," Klaus said, "but how can we distract the crowd with an empty soup can?"

"It's not an empty soup can," Violet said, "not anymore. Now it's a spurious intercom. Sunny, poke one hole in the bottom of the can."

"Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity," Sunny said, but she did as Violet asked and poked her sharpest tooth through the bottom of the can.

"Now," Violet said, "you two hold this near the window. Don't let the crowd see it. They have to think my voice is coming out of the intercom."

Klaus and Sunny held the empty soup can near the window, and Violet leaned in and stuck her head inside it, as if it were a mask. The eldest Baudelaire took a deep breath to gather her courage, and then she began to speak. From inside the can her voice sounded scratchy and faint, as if she were talking with a piece of aluminum foil over her mouth, which was precisely how she wanted to sound.

"Attention!" Violet announced, before the volunteers could sing the verse about singing to men with measles. "This is Babs. Mattathias has resigned due to personal problems, so I am once again the Head of Human Resources. The Baudelaire murderers and arsonists have been spotted in the unfinished wing of the hospital. We require everyone's assistance in making sure they do not escape. Please rush over there right away. That is all."

Violet pulled her head out of the can, and looked at her siblings. "Do you think it worked?" she asked.

Sunny opened her mouth to answer, but she was interrupted by the voice of the bearded volunteer.

"Did you hear that?" the children heard him say. "The criminals are over in the unfinished half of the hospital. Come on, everyone."

"Maybe some of us should stay here at the front entrance, just in case," said a voice the Baudelaires recognized as Hal's.

Violet stuck her head back into the can. "Attention!" she announced. "This is Babs, the Head of Human Resources. No one should stay at the front entrance to the hospital. It's too dangerous. Proceed at once to the unfinished wing. That is all."

"I can see the headline now," said the reporter from The Daily Punctilio. "'MURDERERS CAPTURED IN UNFINISHED HALF OF HOSPITAL BY WELL-ORGANIZED MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.' Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!"

There was a cheer from the crowd, which faded as they walked away from the front of Heimlich Hospital.

"It worked," Violet said. "We fooled them. We're as good at tricking people as Olaf is."

"And at disguises," Klaus said.

"Anagrams," Sunny said.

"And lying to people," Violet said, thinking of Hal, and the shopkeeper at Last Chance General Store and all the Volunteers Fighting Disease. "Maybe we're becoming villains after all."

"Don't say that," Klaus said. "We're not villains. We're good people. We had to do tricky things in order to save our lives."

"Olaf has to do tricky things," Violet said, "to save his life."

"Different," Sunny said.

"Maybe it's not different," Violet said sadly. "Maybe--"

Violet was interrupted by an angry roar coming from just outside the closet door. Olaf's overweight assistant had reached the supply closet and was now fumbling at the door with its enormous hands.

"We can discuss this later," Klaus said. "We have to get out of here right now."

"We're not going to climb," Violet said, "not with such a skinny, rubbery cord. We're going to bounce."

"Bounce?" Sunny asked doubtfully.

"Plenty of people bounce from high places on long, rubbery cords just for fun," Violet said, "so I'm sure we can do it to escape. I'll tie the cord to the faucet with the Devil's Tongue knot, and we'll each take turns jumping out the window. The cord should catch us before we hit the ground, and bounce us up, and down, and up, and down, more and more gently each time. Eventually we'll get to the bottom safely, and then we'll toss it back up to the next person."

"It sounds risky," Klaus said. "I'm not sure the cord is long enough."

"It is risky," Violet agreed, "but not as risky as a fire."

The associate rattled the door furiously, making a large crack right near the lock. Black smoke began to pour through the crack as if the assistant were pouring ink into the closet, as Violet hurriedly tied the cord to the faucet and then tugged on it to make sure it was secure.

"I'll go first," she said. "I invented it, so I'd better test it."

"No," Klaus said. "We're not taking turns."

"Together," Sunny agreed.

"If we all go down together," Violet said, "I'm not sure the cord will hold."

"We're not leaving anyone behind," Klaus said firmly. "Not this time. Either we all escape, or none of us do."

"But if none of us do," Violet said tearfully, "then there won't be any Baudelaires left. Olaf will have won."

Klaus reached into his pocket and brought out a sheet of paper. He unfolded it, and his sisters could see that it was page thirteen of the Snicket file. He pointed to the photograph of the Baudelaire parents and the sentence that was printed below it. "'Because of the evidence discussed on page nine,'" he read out loud, "'experts now suspect that there may in fact be one survivor of the fire, but the survivor's whereabouts are unknown.' We've got to survive, too--so we can find out what happened, and bring Olaf to justice."

"But if we take turns," Violet said frantically, "there's a better chance that one of us will survive."

"We're not leaving anyone behind," Klaus said firmly. "That's what makes us different from Olaf."

Violet thought for a moment, and nodded. "You're right," she said.

Olaf's associate kicked at the door, and the crack grew bigger. The children could see a tiny orange light shining in the hallway and realized that the fire and the associate must have reached the door at the same time.

"I'm scared," Violet said.

"I'm frightened," Klaus said.

"Sheer terror," Sunny said, and the associate kicked the door again, forcing a few sparks through the crack in the door. The Baudelaires looked at one another, and each child grabbed the rubber band cord with one hand. With their other hands they clasped one another, and then, without another word, they leaped out of the window of Heimlich Hospital.

STOP

There are many things in this world I do not know. I do not know how butterflies get out of their cocoons wit

hout damaging their wings. I do not know why anyone would boil vegetables when roasting them is tastier. I do not know how to make olive oil, and I do not know why dogs bark before an earthquake, and I do not know why some people voluntarily choose to climb mountains where it is freezing and difficult to breathe, or live in the suburbs, where the coffee is watery and all of the houses look alike. I do not know where the Baudelaire children are now, or if they are safe or if they are even alive. But there are some things I do know, and one of them is that the window of the supply closet in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes of Heimlich Hospital was not on the third floor or the fourth floor, as Klaus had guessed. The window was on the second floor, so that when the three children dropped through the smoky air, clinging to the rubber band cord for dear life, Violet's invention worked perfectly. Like a yo-yo, the children bounced gently up and down, brushing their feet against one of the bushes planted in front of the hospital, and after a few bounces it was safe to drop to the ground and hug each other with relief.

"We made it," Violet said. "It was a close call, but we survived."

The Baudelaires looked behind them at the hospital, and saw just how close a call it had been. The building looked like a fiery ghost, with great bursts of flame coming from the windows, and oceans of smoke pouring from great gaping holes in the walls. The children could hear glass shattering as the windows burned away, and the crackle of wood as the floors fell through. It occurred to the children that their own house must have looked like this on the day it burned down, and they stepped back from the burning building and huddled together as the air grew thick with ashes and smoke, obscuring the hospital from view.

"Where can we go?" Klaus asked, shouting over the roar of the fire. "Any minute now, the crowd will figure out that we're not in the unfinished half of the hospital, and return here."

"Run!" Sunny shrieked.

"But we can't even see where we're going!" Violet cried. "The whole area is filling up with smoke!"