The Grim Grotto (A Series of Unfortunate Events 11)

They were just about to inch their way toward the door when Carmelita began belting out the last line of her song – "belting out" is a phrase which here means "singing in a particularly loud and particularly irritating voice" – only to stop herself just as she was about to begin her whole wonderful song all over again.

"C is for – cakesniffers!" she shouted. "What are you doing here?" Violet and Klaus froze, and then saw with relief that the terrible little girl was pointing scornfully at Fiona and the hook-handed man, who were standing awkwardly between two oars.

"How dare you, Hooky?" Esmé said, fingering her large noodle as if she wanted to strike him with it. "You're interrupting a very in recital by an unspeakably darling little girl!"

"I'm very sorry, your Esméness," the hook-handed man said, stepping forward to elaborately bow in front of the wicked girlfriend. "I would sooner lose both hands all over again than interrupt Carmelita when she's dancing."

"But you did interrupt me, you handicapped cakesniffer!" Carmelita pouted. "Now I have to start the entire recital all over again!"

"No!" cried one of the rowing children. "Anything but that! It's torture!"

"Speaking of torture," the hook-handed man said quickly, "I stopped by to see if I could borrow your tagliatelle grande. It'll help me get the Baudelaires to reveal the location of the sugar bowl."

Esmé frowned, and fingered the noodle with one tentacle. "I don't really like to lend things," she said. "It usually leads to people messing up my stuff."

"Please, ma'am," Fiona said. "We're so close to learning the location of the sugar bowl. Aye! We just need to borrow your noodle, so we can return to the brig."

"Why are you helping Hooky?" Esmé said. "I thought you were another goody-goody orphan."

"Certainly not," the hook-handed man said. "This is my sister, Fiona, and she's joining the crew of the Carmelita."

"Fiona isn't a very in name," Esmé said. "I think I'll call her Triangle Eyes. Are you really willing to join us, Triangle Eyes?"

"Aye!" Fiona said. "Those Baudelaires are nothing but trouble."

"Why are you still talking?" demanded Carmelita. "This is supposed to be my special tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian dance recital time!"

"Sorry, darling," Esmé said. "Hooky and Triangle Eyes, take this noodle and scram!"

The hook-handed man and his sister walked to the center of the room and stood directly in front of Esmé and Carmelita, offering a perfect opportunity for the elder Baudelaires to scram, a rude word which here means "slip out of the room unnoticed and walk down the shadowy hallway Olaf had led them down just a little while earlier."

"Do you think Fiona will join us?" Violet asked.

"I don't think so," Klaus said. "They told Esmé they'd return to the brig, so they'll have to go back the way we came."

"You don't think she's really joining Olaf's troupe, do you?" Violet said.

"Of course not," Klaus said. "That was just to give us an opportunity to get out of the room. Fiona may be volatile, but she's not that volatile."

"Of course not," Violet said, though she didn't sound very sure.

"Of course not," Klaus repeated, as another ragged cough came from inside the diving helmet. "Hang on, Sunny," he called to his sister. "You'll be cured in no time!" Although he tried to sound as confident as he could, the middle Baudelaire had no way of knowing if his words were true – although, I'm happy to say, they were.

"How are you going to cure Sunny," Violet said, "without Fiona?"

"We'll have to research it ourselves," Klaus said firmly.

"We'll never read her entire mycological library in time to make an antidote," Violet said.

"We don't have to read the entire library," Klaus said, as they reached the door to the Queequeg's brig. "I know just where to look."

Sunny coughed again, and then began to wheeze, a word which here means "make a hoarse, whistling sound indicating that her throat was almost completely closed up." The elder Baudelaires could hardly stop themselves from opening the helmet: to comfort their sister, but they didn't want to risk getting poisoned themselves.

"I hope you're right," Violet said, pressing a metal eye on the wall. The door slid open and the children hurried toward the broken porthole of the submarine.

"Sunny's hour must almost be up." Klaus nodded grimly, and jumped through the porthole onto the large wooden table.

Although it had only been a short while since the children had left the Queequeg, the Main Hall felt as if it had been abandoned for years. The three balloons tied to the table legs were beginning to sag, the tidal charts Klaus had studied had fallen to the floor, and the glass circle Count Olaf had cut in the porthole still lay on the floor. But the middle Baudelaire ignored all of these objects, and picked up Mushroom Minutiae from the floor.

"This book should have information on the antidote," he said, and turned immediately to the table of contents as Violet carried Sunny through the porthole into the submarine. "Chapter Thirty-Six, The Yeast of Beasts. Chapter Thirty-Seven, Morel Behavior in a Free Society. Chapter Thirty-Eight, Fungible Mold, Moldable Fungi. Chapter Thirty-Nine, Visitable Fungal Ditches. Chapter Forty, The Gorgonian Grotto."

"That's it!" Violet said. "Chapter Forty."

Klaus flipped pages as Sunny gave another desperate wheeze, although I wish the middle Baudelaire could have had the time to return to some of those pages he flipped past. " 'The Gorgonian Grotto,' " he read, " 'located in propinquity to Anwhistle Aquatics, has appropriately wraithlike nomenclature –' "

"We know all that,"' Violet said hurriedly. "Skip to the part about the mycelium."

Klaus's eyes scanned the page easily, having had much practice in skipping the parts of books he found less than helpful. " 'The Medusoid Mycelium has a unique conducive strategy of, waxing –' "

"And waning," interrupted Violet, as Sunny's wheezing continued to wax. "Skip to the part about the poison."

" 'As the poet says, ' " Klaus read, " 'A single spore has such grim power / That you may die within the hour. Is dilution simple? But of course! / Just one small dose of root of horse.' "

" 'Root of horse'?" Violet repeated. "How can a horse have a root?"

"I don't know," Klaus said. "Usually antidotes are certain botanical extractions, like pollen from a flower, or the stem of a plant."

"Does 'dilution' mean the same thing as 'antidote?" Violet asked, but before her brother could answer, Sunny wheezed again, and the diving helmet rocked back and forth as she struggled against the fungus.

Klaus looked at the book he was holding, and then at his sister, and then reached into the waterproof pocket of his uniform.

"What are you doing?" Violet asked.

"Getting my commonplace book," Klaus replied. "I wrote down all the information on the history of Anwhistle Aquatics that we found in the grotto."

"We don't have time to look at your research!" Violet said. "We need to find an antidote this very minute! Fiona's right – He or she who hesitates is lost."

Klaus shook his head. "Not necessarily," he said, and flipped a page of his dark blue notebook. "If we take one moment to think, we might save our sister. Now, what did Kit Snicket write in that letter? Here it is: 'The poisonous fungus you insist on cultivating in the grotto will bring grim consequences for all of us. Our factory at Lousy bane can provide some dilution of the mycelium's destructive respiratory capabilities...' That's it! V.F.D. was making something in a factory near Lousy bane that could dilute the effects of the mycelium."

"Lousy bane?" Violet said. "That was the road to Uncle Monty's house. It had a terrible smell, remember? It smelled like black pepper. No, not black pepper..."