The Arrangement 18 (The Arrangement 18)

From the look on her face, I know she doesn’t believe me. It’s not that she thinks I’m lying, but it’s compassion and forgiveness given unknowingly. I take her hand and absently toy with the stone on her ring. “This is something that you need to know. I’m not the man I was before, but he’s still here, buried inside. Asking you to read these is strange, I know. It has the thoughts of another woman and—”

Sidney reaches out, stands, and places a finger on my lips. My heart aches so badly it feels like it may explode. “Shhh. Peter, you aren’t the guy you were before. Anyone can see that. Hell, even Sean can see that and he’s an asshole.” She drops her hand and offers a small smile. “Everyone has a past, even me. We don’t have to do this.”

“Your past is different. You didn’t willingly, knowingly do bad things. I did. If you’re going to marry me, if you want to truly be with me and understand my shadows, my faults, and help me from slipping back into the man I was, you need to read these.”

My stomach twists into knots saying this to her. There’s a million different ways she could take this new information, and I have no idea how much detail Gina went into about how I treated her, what she saw, and what I did. I couldn’t bring myself to read more than a few pages. Each one was about how messed up I was and how much she hated me. I was cruel to her, and there was no reason, no excuse. Gina painted me as the perfect storm, glorious to behold and equally deadly, destroying everything in its path without remorse or shame.

Sidney takes the first book and nods. “I’d do anything for you Peter, but no matter what’s in here, it won’t change my mind about you, about us.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.” Stepping back quickly, I shove my hands in my pockets and dart out of the room before she can respond.