The Arrangement 19 (The Arrangement 19)

“That’s why you need to tell me. Let me help you.” My lips part. I have the words, but swallow them back.

“I’ll figure it out. It’s not a good time.”

“Avery, there’s never a good time. Just tell me.” He takes my hands, and we stop walking. I’m looking at the sand, trying to find the guts I need to say the words. They’re going to rip him in half.

“I think you’re right, about Trystan.”

He looks surprised, which is good. It means he won’t see it coming. It means I was right about this wound still being open. Sean thinks I belong with Trystan.

“I’m surprised to hear you admit it.”

I kick the sand and take a step back. I look up at him, careful to meet and hold his gaze. It can’t look like I’m lying.

“I knew; I always knew how I felt about him. The thing is, I wanted you more. But Sean, I can’t live like this. Terror follows you around. I was yanking your mother’s severed arm a few days ago.” Tears start to roll down my cheeks.

“Avery, I know, it’s hard.” He looks scared now.

“Sean, as much as I love you, this isn’t going to work.” The words slice through me, tearing out my heart as I say them. My tone is level and cool. I sound detached and sincere at the same time.

Sean looks as if I struck him. He blinks once, shocked, and nods. I know he won’t refute a plan he created, not when it compromises my safety. I know why Sean wants us together--he thinks I’m in love with Trystan. The insecurity is the size of a grain of sand, but my words make it a mountain. The last part is the worst. For a moment I think I won’t be able to do it, but before I can’t back down, I say it.

“The thing is, it’s not just about me anymore and soon I won’t be able to hide it. Do you remember the night Trystan and I disappeared together? Something happened. You were right Sean--there is something between me and Trystan.”

Sean is silent. His face is blank, expressionless as I shove the lance through his heart. My stomach twists in knots and I want to cry, but I don’t. I can’t. He has to believe my story, all of it. Sean’s hands drop from my waist. He looks at the surf and asks, “You slept with him?”

“I did.” Sean won’t detect the lie because I don’t know if I’m not telling the truth, for any of it. “There’s something else.”

Sean turns back to face me, his eyes glassy from tears that refuse to fall. He thinks he was right, that Trystan stole me from him. The lump in my throat is getting too big to speak. I have to tell him the rest. I have to put the final nail in his heart, so he will let me walk away.

“I don’t know how to say it, so I’m just going to tell you. We didn’t mean for it to happen.” I start twisting my hands as I speak and look at the waves crashing on the sand. “It just did. We were both upset and found comfort in each other. That’s the thing, Sean--when things with you are bad, Trystan is always there. He’s sweet, and he cares about me. That’s the only reason I’m not flipping out right now.” The wind whips my hair into my face, and it catches in the streams of tears still pouring from my eyes.

“Sean, I’m pregnant. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s not yours. I can’t--”

“Who?”

My jaw drops and I suddenly can’t do it. This will kill him. What’s left of his soul will shrivel up and die. I reach for him, but Sean pulls away. “Sean, I didn’t think we even--”

“A name. You owe me a name.” He stands there in the sand with the wind catching his hair and blowing it back into those deep blue eyes. They were once as still as the ocean, and their depths held secrets laced with too much pain for one person to bear. It's too late to undo this, and it's still the best way to keep him safe. Sean would die for me, I know he would--that’s why I have to finish. Swallowing hard, I whisper the name.

“Trystan.”

The man in front of me turns to stone. Those dark eyes don’t blink. They remain fixed on a spot on the shore, as he stands there perfectly still. It’s like I sucker-punched him with a mace at the worst time, in the worst way. No matter what Sean wants, there’s no future for us. No white picket fences, no little house. Nothing. All these things are racing through his mind. Each thought severs the connection we've found and decimates any hope things will end well for us.

That was the problem--there is no happy ending for us--not with the way things have unraveled. All this time I was the target, not Sean. All this time they were hunting me, and perhaps it wasn’t vicious initially, but it is now. There’s no way out for me, but if I can get Sean to walk away, he’ll live. He’ll heal. He can’t move forward with me.

My future will end with a toe tag and a body bag.

My stomach churns like I ate glass. I want to puke all over the sand and fall on my face, crying. Everything I did was in vain. Everyone who tried to protect me died. The people around me were deprived of a long life because fate had me cross their paths.

My parents… I can’t even think about it. My mother spent her entire life hiding me, my father protected both of us, and in a snap--gone. They died because of me.

My biological father is a murderer who wanted me dead. Since Bryan shot him, I’ll never know why. What did I do that warranted a bullet in the head? Was it a vendetta against my mother or me? Marty said I was supposed to die that night, too.

My brother will finish what our father started. If he was willing to go after the Ferro family--if Vic took out Constance--I’m toast. There’s no chance I’ll walk away from this. I can’t condemn Sean to die. I can’t pull him down with me.

I feel cruel. I know how this will rip Sean apart. I know what my words are doing to Sean as we stand there in silence. There’s no coming back from this point. I walked our relationship to the edge of a cliff and shoved it off.

He wants to walk away. He has to.

Sean stands there, silent for way too long. His face is slack as he stares at the ocean. Memories of us come flooding back. The way he sat with me on the sand, the day he held me and loved me, the fights that always seemed to reconcile--all those memories tainted now. I poisoned the well.

Finally, I walk over and stand next to him. I need to finish. I need to make sure he doesn’t pull a Lazarus and come back for me again.

My mouth feels dry and my heart races as I form sentences in my mind, lacing together things I don’t want to say.

“Sean, I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry.”

When he finally speaks, his voice is flat. There’s no fight left in him. Sean stares past me, and the only indication that he’s upset is the way his jaw tenses.

“We talked about our pasts and lovers--Avery, you lied to me. How could you tell me…” his voice cracks before he can finish. He clears his throat and runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face. When Sean looks up, the sheen in his eyes is gone. The tears that would have fallen will never be shed. He’s hardened himself.

I can see him shut me out in those seconds, and it’s like having a guillotine drop on my heart.

My tears are real, so real that they burn my skin. They might as well be acid for how much they hurt. I swallow hard and turn to face the wind. It bites at my face and whips my hair. The tightness in my chest is paralyzing, but there was no other way.

Sean will never forgive me for this.

I’ve destroyed any chance of a future we could have had, but I know Sean will be safe. That’s worth it. He’ll walk away from all of this. He’ll live. Sean will go back to his life in California and make another billion bucks. He’ll look back at this time with me as a plague that tormented him. He’ll never be the same, but at least he’ll live, which is more than I can say about me.

There’s still no way for me to get out of

this mess without a body bag.

CHAPTER 9

Sean doesn’t speak to me after that. We walk on in silence, and I’m the only one who has wet cheeks. The tears keep falling even though I wish they wouldn’t. A fake pregnancy and pretend engagement lie ahead of me. I’ll jump through the hoops and hope that I can figure something out so I can find my brother before Trystan gets hurt. I can’t let anything happen to him either. He’s been through enough.

“You’re thinking about him.” Sean’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and the guilty look on my face is the only answer he needs. “You should have told me. I thought he was attracted to you--I know he is--I just didn’t realize it went both ways.”

Lie. Avery, you can't tell him it was an accident. You can’t tell him you aren’t sure what happened that night, the little voice in my head wails. This is torture. I walk faster, pressing my feet against the sand harder and lengthening my stride.

“It does. When you noticed, I felt bad, so I denied it--but we’d already slept together by then.” My jaw tightens as I spit out the words.

“So I was right, and Trystan meant it when he said he’d steal you from me. I’m sorry.”

“What?” I nearly trip over my feet. Sean catches me by the elbow and turns me toward him. “Why would you say that? You have nothing to be sorry about. I was the one who--” Sean places a finger over my lips as he stares into my eyes.

“I did this. I broke you, neglected you, and pushed you to your limits. When you needed me the most, I threw you together with Trystan. He loves you, Avery. I know you’ll be happy together. He can give you everything I can’t.” Sean’s hands linger on my face. He trails his finger along my cheek and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. I pull away from him, horrified.