Strong Enough (Meet Me in Montana 4)

“Dirk?” he prompted.

I pulled in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I called her Kaci. After I came, I was so overcome with an emotion I’d never felt before, and truth be told, still haven’t to this day. I was so caught up in the moment with Merit, with being with her, I don’t know why I said Kaci’s name. I mean, I wasn’t even thinking of Kaci. Sex felt so different with Merit than it had with any other girl, and I just assumed it was because it was…well, it was Merit. I didn’t want to stop. I remember wishing we could stay up in that barn forever.

“Wow, Dirk. I don’t even know what to say right now.”

I exhaled. “Merit said my name, and it felt like a bolt of lightning hit me in the chest. The way she looked at me in that moment, I knew she was in love with me. I felt conflicted and scared. Happy but confused as fuck. I meant to say Merit’s name, I really did, but instead I whispered Kaci’s. I’ll never forget the look Merit gave me. Her eyes instantly filled with tears. She pushed me off her. She looked so hurt, and it fucking destroyed me to know I was the one who hurt her like that.”

“Oh no. What happened then, after you called her Kaci?”

“Well, she went from looking upset to downright pissed off. I’d never seen her so angry. She quickly got dressed, and when I tried to tell her I was sorry, she screamed at me. Like, screamed. She kept saying how stupid she was to think I would ever really want her. Then she asked me if I had been thinking of Kaci while I was with her. God, it felt like a punch to the stomach that she would think that.”

“Did you tell her no?”

“Of course I told her no, but she broke down into tears and kept repeating how stupid she was. That I would never think of her that way. I felt like such a dick. When I tried to pull her into my arms, she pushed me away and said she hated me. She said she never wanted to talk to me again. That’s when her daddy showed up and figured out what was going on. He asked me to leave, but I begged Merit to let me explain. She kept shaking her head and crying. I didn’t know what to do. I figured her dad would beat the shit out of me, but he didn’t really say anything. He asked me to leave again, and when I finally realized Merit wouldn’t talk to me, I left.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about what happened?”

“You were with Kaci at the time, Brock. Do you really think I wanted to tell you I called another girl your girlfriend’s name while having sex? Especially knowing it was Merit I had been with?”

“I guess you have a fair point. And Merit hasn’t talked to you since?”

I dropped back onto the bed and stared up at the celling. “No. I tried so many times to talk to her. In school, going to her house, showing up when I knew she would be at the farm working. She’d look at me, and I’d see that same hurt in her eyes each time. It got to the point where I couldn’t take seeing it, so I stopped trying. After graduation, I left for the PBR and she left for college. New Year’s Eve was the first time I’ve seen her since we graduated—when Tanner asked me to show her the plans for the ranch in your dad’s office. Yeah, that was awkward as hell.”

“She still wouldn’t talk to you about it, after all these years?”

“No. I tried to get her to talk about it, and she plastered on a fake smile and said it was water under the bridge and that there wasn’t anything to talk about.”

Brock was silent for a moment or two before he spoke. “I guess I can see why she was so angry. It sounds to me like Merit might have been feeling a lot more than friendship toward you, Dirk. I mean, a part of me understands her asking you to take her virginity, but another part thinks she was hoping for more from you, and offering up her virginity on a silver platter was her way of showing you that. And maybe you wanted more from her, too, but you didn’t want to admit it. I mean, Kaci pretty much had us both inside out by then.”

“I do…did have feelings for Merit. I never acted on them because of how much I cared about her. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. She was my best friend besides you and Kaci. We had a bond that I can’t explain. Everything was different with her, and I lost that because I thought with my dick instead of my head.”