The Doctor Who Has No Ambition (Soulless 9)

“She encouraged you. Everything else was you.”

“I’ve been out of the game for a year. That was dangerous—”

“A doctor is something that you are, not something that you have. It’s your identity. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the last patient, that instinct is in etched into the surface of all your bones.”

I shifted my gaze back to him.

“Son, it’s time.”

“No—”

“If you hadn’t been there, he would have died. Does that not mean something to you?”

“And if I hadn’t been there for Allen, he might still be alive—”

“Don’t. Blame. Yourself.” He raised his voice slightly, staring me down. “You’re such a smart young man, Dex. Don’t let someone else’s idiocy change your opinion of yourself. It’s an opinion, not fact. The fact that Catherine allowed that event to sabotage her marriage is a reflection of her poor judgment and self-absorbed personality. It has absolutely no reflection on you as a physician.”

“Dad—”

“How did you earn your reputation as the best heart surgeon in the country if it wasn’t true? Mom told me the surgeon at the hospital recognized you by name. That doesn’t just happen, Dex.”

I bowed my head.

“It’s time.”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my hands together.

“Son.”

“No…”

An extended silence passed, a silence filled with so much disappointment.

I didn’t look at him for a long time, opening my eyes and keeping my focus on my hands. “Everything happened so fast, and I just worked off instinct. I’m happy that Mr. Carlton is okay, and maybe I am the reason he’s still alive. But that doesn’t mean I want to be a doctor again. If anything, it reminds me why I don’t. I rode in the ambulance because I had to make sure he made it through the drive. I stayed at the hospital because I needed to know he would pull through. I see Mr. Carlton and his wife every day, fixed his computer for him, and I really didn’t want to lose him. Patients aren’t just bodies to me. They aren’t just a last name and a birthdate on their wristband.”

“That’s exactly why you’re a good doctor, Dex.”

“Well…it’s too fucking hard.”

He inhaled a deep breath and sat in silence, trying to think of the next thing to convince me.

“I’m happy working for Mom. My tasks and responsibilities aren’t life and death, and that’s a breath of fresh air. Maybe I’m more like Mom than you. Maybe this is what I’m supposed—”

“You are absolutely more like your mother than me, and that’s the very reason you’re such a brilliant doctor. You didn’t get that from me.”

I lifted my gaze and looked at him, having no idea how that could possibly be true.

“Being a doctor is more than just being intelligent. I’ve met lots of brilliant physicians and researchers, but they’re arrogant, and that arrogance turns them complacent, which turns into mistakes and poor care. All they care about is fame and fortune, having a huge insurance policy to cover their mistakes. That directly affects patient care, but again, they’re too arrogant to see it. Intelligence isn’t everything, Dex. You inherited your mom’s best qualities, and that allows you to connect with people in a way I never could, and that connection has driven you to solutions others would never find.”

I’d always noticed that Derek and Dad had more similar temperaments and behaviors, and Daisy and I were closer in personality, probably because we got those qualities from our mom. We were all one family, all blood, but there was a distinct line of differences between us.

“You have no idea how hard it is for me to watch my son give up on his dreams because some woman who didn’t deserve him broke his heart. When you’re a father yourself, you’ll understand. You’ll understand that the worst pain in the world is watching your children in pain.”

“I’m not in pain—”

“Because you refuse to acknowledge it. You walk around and make jokes all the time, thinking if you act like everything is fine, then everything will be fine. I see right through it, and so does your mother. You’ve adopted a whole different personality to compensate for the pieces of you that you lost. Enough is enough.”

I dropped my chin.

“Look. At. Me.”

I inhaled a deep breath and looked at him once more, seeing his brown eyes turn fiery.

“You were brave with Mr. Carlton. It’s time to be brave again.”

I didn’t want to disappoint my father. I didn’t want to disappoint the rest of my family. But going back to that life simply wasn’t right for me. I’d moved on—and they needed to understand that. “I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen.”

A week later, I went back to work.

And everything I dreaded came to pass.

Clients stopped me in the hallway and praised me for what I’d done, and then they asked me why I wasn’t a doctor anymore. I just deflected the questions as politely as possible and continued on my way.