What If

“I think we should do what it says.”

“I think I like that idea,” I return, easing the T-shirt over her head.

Smiling when there’s nothing underneath but a thong.

“Well, that was easy.” Nyelle lowers her mouth to mine as I run my hands along her bare back.

She bunches my shirt, separating long enough to jerk it over my head, and tosses it to the floor.

I inhale deeply with the touch of her soft skin against mine, holding her close as she maneuvers her legs so they’re wrapped around me.

I slide us to the edge of the couch and set my feet on the floor, tasting along her neck to her shoulder, slowly working my way down.

She arches her back and draws in a slow breath.

I don’t care how many times we’ve done this now; I’ll never get enough of her.

The feel of her.

The taste of her.

The noises she makes when I find the right spot.

The way my body lights up like an inferno with just the smallest touch of her.

Nyelle squeezes her thighs tighter around me with a breathy moan as my mouth covers her smooth skin.

Needing better positioning, I flip her over so she’s lying on the couch and prop myself above her, taking in the light reflecting in her blue eyes.

“I don’t think I can let you leave me,” I tell her, capturing any argument she might have with my lips pressed firmly to hers.

I’m not usually so bold, but I’m a little unfiltered right now.

She does that to me.

Nyelle moans when my hand slides up between her thighs.

Her fingers fumble with the button on my pants.

I freeze when I hear, “Hey!” Dropping on top of Nyelle, I try to cover her with my body.

She releases a surprised grunt.

“Eric!” I exclaim, looking up at him over the arm of the couch.

“What’s going on?” he asks, setting his bag down.

When he finally looks at me, his eyes widen in realization.

“Oh shit!” And then he starts laughing.

I want to strangle him.

“Sorry about that.” He walks closer and squints, “Hey, Lake Girl! Didn’t see you under there.”

“Eric! What the f**k!” I holler.

“Hi, Eric,” she responds, her voice strained.

Probably because I’m crushing her with my weight, but there’s no way I’m moving until Eric gets the hell out of here.

He looks at us and shakes his head with a heavy breath.

“You didn’t sleep in my room at all, did you? Not even for one night?”

“Why are you still standing here?!”

“Great,” he grumbles.

“Now I owe Rae twenty bucks.”

“You bet on… Dude, can we talk about this later?”

“Yeah, Eric.

He’s kinda squishing me,” Nyelle says breathily.

“Sorry,” I say, kissing her forehead.

“You’re right.

That doesn’t look very comfortable,” Eric notes, tilting his head to get a better view.

“Eric!” I yell.

“Just get in your room for, like, five minutes.

Please!”

“Going.” He picks up his duffel bag and strolls into his room at a frustrating pace.

As soon as I hear his door click shut, I push off of the couch and grab my T-shirt, shoving it over Nyelle’s head and trying to pull her arms through.

“Umm… Cal, I can dress myself,” she says, sitting up as I pull it down over her red thong.

“Yeah, uh… I’m sorry.

I just don’t know if his five minutes is really five seconds,” I tell her.

She laughs, standing to adjust the shirt.

“I wanted to go for a walk anyway.

You guys can catch up.”

“Or I can kick his ass,” I counter.

“You’re not a fighter,” she says, bending down to kiss me before entering the bedroom.

*     *     * “Have you heard from Richelle yet?” Rae asks when I pick up the phone.

“No.

But there’s a chance the message didn’t go through or record right with that shoddy signal at Zac’s,” I say, closing my laptop.

“I’ll try her again.”

“Uh, is Nyelle with you?” Rae asks hesitantly.

“She’s not responding to my texts.”

“She never responds to my texts,” I reply.

“But no, she went for one of her walks.

Why?”

“Uh, it’s nothing,” Rae answers evasively.

“We’ve just been texting about something…” She sounds weird.

“You and Nyelle have been texting?” I question, strangely jealous, considering I haven’t even spoken to Nyelle on her phone since the night she called me from the tree.

And it took her being drunk to do that.

“What about?” Rae is quiet for a minute.

I’m starting to get nervous.

She never holds out on me.

“Rae?”

“I auditioned at Berklee a couple weeks ago,” Rae blurts.

Now I’m the one who’s silent, only because I’m too shocked to say anything.

“I knew you’d be mad,” she says.

“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you until I knew for sure that I got in.”

“I’m not mad,” I reply quickly.

“I just wasn’t expecting it.

Why didn’t you tell me you were applying?” The question I should have asked is why she told Nyelle.

“Because you think I’m coming to Crenshaw to go to school with you.”

“Rae, I only want you to come to Crenshaw if you want to be here.

Not just because I’m here.” Realistically, I know that’s the only reason she planned to come to Crenshaw, but I never thought to stop her… until now.

“This is a huge opportunity for you.

And I’d be pissed if you didn’t go after what you want.”

“Thanks,” she says quietly.

“When do you find out if you got in?”

“Not for another couple of weeks,” she says with a sigh.

“It’s killing me.”

“Is that why you were looking for Nyelle?” I ask, uncomfortable with how disturbed I am that they’ve been communicating directly.

I guess because I’m protective of Nyelle, and… I don’t trust Rae not to say something that could make everything fall apart.

“Mostly.

So, when are you going to talk to her, Cal? You only have a week left,” she demands.

Rae has laid off of the month deadline since we saw each other over Christmas.

This is the first time she’s harassed me for answers since then.

I take a deep breath and flip a pencil around on my desk.

“I’m not going to,” I confess.

“What?” Rae asks, her voice raised.

“If you feel like you have to tell my mother what’s going on, then go for it.

I can’t ask Nyelle what happened to her, Rae.

I won’t hurt her.”

“How would you hurt her?” she asks, confused.

I rub a hand over my forehead.

“She doesn’t want to remember.

Whatever it was, she blocked it out for a reason.

I’m not going to make her relive it because I need to know.

Because I don’t need to know.”

“You’re being stupid again,” Rae scolds.

“Maybe.

But I only have a week left with her, and I’m going to do whatever I want with it.”

“You slept with her,” Rae groans, like that explains everything.

“That has nothing to do with it,” I respond defensively.

“I care about her.”

“You’re in love with her,” Rae corrects adamantly.

“No,” is my instinctive response.

But then I shut up.

Neither of us speaks for a minute.

“Your life is about to suck.

And it’s only going to get worse when you can’t ignore whatever she’s hiding anymore.” I lean back in the chair with a heavy breath, my head spinning.

Is this really happening? Am I honestly sitting here trying to decide if I’m in love with Nyelle? “You can’t love a person you don’t really know,” she responds.

“And I have to tell Maura.

I’m sorry, Cal.” She hangs up.

I close my eyes and run my fingers through my hair.

I know Nyelle.

I know exactly who she is.

But I wasn’t about to get into it with Rae.

I feel the same way about Nyelle as I did about Nicole most of my life.

That hasn’t changed.

I’ve always been drawn to her.

Every version of her.

Since the day I saw her in that yellow dress.

So maybe… it’s time I told her.

I take a deep breath.

I can’t believe I’m doing this.

My stomach feels like it’s going to twist in on itself just thinking about it.

But… she’s worth it.

And she needs to know it.

“Eric!” I call to him, opening my bedroom door.

“What’s up?” he says, poking his head out of his room.

“Can you stay at the fraternity house tonight?” He rolls his eyes.

“Wow.

Nice to see you too.”

“I just need one more night.

There’s something I have to do,” I tell him, knowing he has no clue what I’m talking about.

“Yeah, no problem.” Not knowing how long she’ll be gone, I grab my jacket and the keys to my truck.

“Thanks,” I say over my shoulder and rush out the door.

*     *     * I’m sitting on the couch, rubbing my sweaty hands on my pants for the hundredth time, waiting for the door to open.

She’s been gone for about three hours, and I’m on the verge of going to look for her.

But I don’t want to risk her showing up here while I’m gone.

Especially after spending two hours rushing to get everything in my room ready.

I decide I might as well try Richelle again to keep me from staring at the door.

I listen to the phone ring.

Just as it picks up, the door opens, and I jump up from the couch, disconnecting the call.

“He’s dead,” Nyelle gasps as soon as her red, swollen eyes find me.

“What?!” My heart is pounding at the sight of her tear-soaked face.

“Who’s dead?” I rush over and wrap my arms around her.

She leans against me as I kick the door shut and guide her to the couch.

I ease her onto the cushion, holding her close and rubbing her back.

I coax softly, “Nyelle, who died?” She murmurs between sobs, “Gus.” I close my eyes.

The homeless man I saw her talking to in the alley the day of the snowstorm.

I don’t know what to say, so I just kiss the top of her head.

“I thought he was sleeping,” she says, her voice muffled with her face against my chest.

“But he didn’t move when I said his name.

He just lay there, even when I touched him.

He was so… cold.” I press my lips together.

I don’t know how to fix this, how to make her feel better.

But that always seems to be the problem.

*     *     * “Hey, man.

I lost you at Shannon’s.

I wanted to ask you what time you’re picking me up tonight.” I prop the phone under my chin and pull my keys out of the ignition.

I spent the day with Brady and Craig, hopping from one graduation barbeque to the next.

Rae wants nothing to do with our classmates now that we’ve graduated, so she opted to spend the day with her girlfriend, Nina.