What If

Her shoulders shake with each tortured breath, and it’s breaking me.

I can’t handle it.

With just the touch of my hand on her shoulder, she collapses against me, unable to hold herself up any longer.

“It’s okay,” I console her, holding her tight.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“I will,” she mutters into my soaked shirt.

“I need to.

It just… it hurts.

It still hurts so much.” Henley starts barking.

I peer over the top of Nyelle’s head as my mother’s car comes into view.

Nyelle twists within my arms, still leaning against me.

We remain still, watching my mother and Rae get out of the car in front of the cabin.

I keep my arm wrapped around Nyelle’s shoulder and step forward.

But she won’t move.

“Cal, we’ve been trying to reach you,” my mother says from under an umbrella.

My stomach drops at the sight of her pinched brow.

Her eyes scrunch, looking at Nyelle, then widen in recognition.

“Nicole?”

“What’s going on?” I ask, but not really wanting to hear whatever it is that caused the red rims under Rae’s eyes.

I brace myself.

“You know,” Nyelle says beside me, redirecting my attention.

She’s staring at Rae.

Rae nods.

“I know.”

NICOLE Day After Graduation—High School I stare up at the stars, wishing they’d take all of my pain away.

But I know if they did, there’d be nothing left of me.

A shooting star races overhead.

I close my eyes, tears spill out and run along my temples, soaking into my hair.

“I wish I were as brave as you,” I murmur to the stars.

“I wish I laughed more.

I wish I took more chances.

I wish I could be the girl you saw in me.

Please make it stop hurting, and I promise that I’ll be that girl.

I promise to let it all go… and be happy… for you.”

“Nicole? Nicole, is that you?” my mother calls to me from between the miniature evergreens bordering our yard.

“What are you doing over there?” She steps out from the shadows.

“Do you realize how late it is?” she continues.

“Your father is supposed to be home soon.

He had to attend the dinner without us because you disappeared the entire day.

Now get off the neighbor’s lawn so you can clean up before he arrives.”

“Are you kidding?” I snap, glaring up at her.

I let out a humorless laugh.

“Of course you’re not.” I push myself up off the ground.

And storm past her toward the house.

“Wash up, and come back downstairs so we can greet your father,” my mother instructs as we enter the foyer.

My jaw clenches.

I can taste the bitter anger forming on my tongue.

I whip around and she eyes me curiously.

“You didn’t tell me! You knew for two days and you didn’t say a word!”

“You were valedictorian,” she responds so calmly that I want to rip her open, convinced there are wires holding her together.

“We chose not to take away from the importance of your day.”

“She’s my best friend! My only friend!” I bellow, trembling.

“You can’t take her away from me like that! You had no right!”

“We are your parents,” she replies.

“We have every right to do what we think is best for you.” A car pulls into the driveway.

My mother’s eyes instinctively go to the door.

She looks back at me.

“Go wash up.”

“Go to hell!” I yell, my hands squeezed so tight my fingernails dig into my palms.

A moment later my father enters the house appearing a little frantic.

Which is strange.

I’ve never seen him anything but composed.

His frigid eyes narrow in on me, and a shiver runs up my spine.

He closes the door behind him, and his gaze flickers between us, assessing the situation.

“Getting upset isn’t going to make things better.” His deep, thunderous voice echoes through me, despite his efforts to sound calm.

I clench my teeth.

“You’ve controlled everything in my life, but you don’t get this.

You don’t get to tell me how to feel.” He steps slowly toward me, and I back up.

He holds up his hand, like he’s approaching a spooked animal.

“You need to calm down.”

“Don’t touch me!” He stops, paralyzed by my defiance.

“You can’t make it go away by pretending nothing happened.” Rage has possessed my body, empowering me.

“Because then you might as well erase me too, Daddy.

She was the only real thing I had, and without her, I’m no one.” Continuing to move away from him, my back collides with the credenza, rocking it.

The meticulously designed floral display tips over and crashes to the floor.

My mother’s hand goes to her mouth.

I crumple to my knees, sobbing into my hands.

“Pick yourself up and be the girl I raised.

This is not who you are.” He sounds disgusted.

I lift my head and glower at him.

“Maybe I don’t want to be your perfect little girl anymore.” I slam my fists down onto the glass scattered all over the floor, shredding his perfect girl apart.

“Nicole, stop!” he demands.

I glare at him and raise my clenched fists, colliding with the broken glass again.

I can’t feel a thing.

The shards slicing through my flesh aren’t enough to mask the pain tearing my insides apart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” my father bellows, his voice carrying throughout the entire house.

“What’s wrong? Am I not pretty enough? Or smart enough? Or perfect enough?” I challenge, ripping away the pretty packaging and spilling out what’s been trapped inside my entire life.

His face twists, repulsed by what he sees.

“Nicole, you’re bleeding all over the floor!” my mother cries.

I stare defiantly up at my father as my fists smash into the broken glass again.

My father turns away.

“Call Dr. Xavier. Tell him to use the back door. And clean this up.” My mother scurries to the kitchen. “Did I disappoint you, Daddy?!” I scream.

But he’s already out the front door.

And I’m alone. I collapse in the blood that’s smeared across the polished wood and cry, mourning the loss of us both.

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Richelle’s dead,” Nyelle utters in a single breath.

I stare at her.

I couldn’t have heard her right.

There’s no way she just said… I turn to Rae.

Tears are falling from her eyes.

I’ve never seen her cry before.

Not even when she tore up her leg wiping out on the skateboard.

I look to my mother.

She presses her lips together, and her eyes meet mine in a silent apology.

“No,” I say, shaking my head.

“No.

She’s not.

She can’t be.”

“Cal, I’m so sorry,” my mother says, taking a step toward me.

“Her mother called… after she heard your message.”

“I don’t understand,” I respond.

“How?”

“Let’s go inside,” my mother encourages us, leading the way.

I continue to stand in the rain, unable to move.

Something warm wraps around my hand.

I look down at it, and there’s another hand holding it.

“Let’s go inside,” Nyelle says softly.

I search her stormy blue eyes for some sense of comfort.

But they’re filled with so much hurt, they’re screaming.

I walk alongside her to the steps where Rae is waiting for us.

I catch my foot on the bottom step and grab the railing to keep from falling, although it feels like I already have—off a hundred-foot cliff onto jagged rocks.

Nyelle grips my hand tighter, and Rae stops, but they don’t say anything.

I straighten and continue into the cabin.

“Why don’t you put some dry clothes on?” my mother suggests.

“What happened to Richelle?” I demand.

“She had leukemia,” Nyelle says.

I spin around to face her.

“You knew…” I stop.

Among the chaos tearing through my head, it becomes clear.

“That was the promise you made?” She nods, her chin trembling.

“You promised you wouldn’t tell us she had cancer?” Rae asks, like she’s accusing her of treason.

Nyelle bites at her lip.

“She didn’t want you to know.

She was worried you’d treat her different because she might… die,” she explains, her voice quivering.

“She thought when she got better and moved back to Renfield, you’d never have to know.

Like nothing ever happened.” She swallows.

“But you can’t make it go away by pretending it never happened.” Nyelle raises her eyes and connects with mine, like she knows I was there and heard her say those words to her father.

My mouth drops.

That’s what I overheard.

“Graduation,” I utter.

“That’s why you were crying…”

“She died the day before.” Nothing moves.

The air is so still, I swear the earth has stopped rotating.

“That’s why you’re Nyelle, isn’t it?” Rae concludes, disrupting the stillness.

“You combined your names.” Nyelle closes her eyes, releasing a rush of tears down her cheeks.

I rub my face, even though I can’t feel it, and I walk up the stairs.

I can’t do this.

“Cal,” my mother calls, and I turn around on the landing.

“Don’t shut us out, okay? Change and come back down?” I nod slightly and continue to the room, closing the door behind me.

I lean against the door with my palm pressed to my forehead, wanting to shut it all off and wake up from this twisted nightmare.

I kick off my boots and tug my soaked sweater off, tossing it to the ground.

I start toward the dresser, but my legs give out.

I’m hunched over on the floor when I feel her warm arms wrap around me.

She presses her cheek against my back.

I feel like I’m sinking and she’s the only thing keeping me from going under.

We stay on the floor, huddled together for… I have no idea how long.

And I focus on breathing, because that’s all I can do.

When Nyelle releases me, I slowly straighten, sitting on the floor with my back against the side of the bed.

Nyelle slides next to me.

And Rae lowers herself from the bed to sit on my other side.

I wrap my arm around Nyelle and grab Rae’s hand.

And then we sit in silence.

Not moving.

We just… sit.

“That’s why she moved to San Francisco? Because she was sick?” My voice finally finds the surface.

Shadows have filled the room, so I can only assume the sun has set.

“Yeah,” Nyelle replies in a breath.

“But I talked to her all the time.

She never… I didn’t know.

I feel like I should’ve known.”

“It’s not how she wanted you to remember her.

She didn’t want you to see her sick,” Nyelle explains, her cheek pressed to my chest and her arms wrapped around my waist.

“She only wanted to go back to Renfield, to you guys, when she beat it.

She went into remission for a short time, and she was excited because her parents were talking about moving back.