The Roommate Agreement

“No, shush.” She held one finger against her lips and burst into giggles. “I can walk, I promise. I’m not as drunk as Grams. I can handle an elevator.”

I seriously doubted that. It took a hell of a lot to get my grandmother drunk, and she was nowhere near this tipsy when we left. “Well, just in case.”

I selected the key on the ring with one hand and put in the code for the building, hauling Shelby in with me. She almost tripped on the tiny step inside, but she grabbed hold of my shirt, fisting the material, and giggled again.

I shook my head, wrapping my arm around her a little tighter, and pressed the button on the elevator.

Shelby hiccupped.

My family was a terrible influence on her.

“Water and aspirin when we get upstairs, okay?” I looked down at her.

She looked up at me with her brown eyes widening. “I’m not that drunk, Jay.”

“You’ll still thank me in the morning. I’ll even make you breakfast.”

“As long as it’s not bacon,” she muttered. “It’s not normally possible, but you made bacon taste bad.”

I rolled my eyes and guided her into the elevator. I wasn’t going to argue with her on that—bacon was, for some reason, my nemesis in the kitchen—and I just didn’t want to argue with her.

Arguing with her, in general, meant I would lose, and since alcohol made her more stubborn than usual…

Let’s just say I wanted to do it as much as I wanted Wolverine to give me a prostate exam.

“You were a cute baby,” Shelby whispered, cupping her hand over her mouth like we were in public. “Even when you used submarines as a penis.”

“I didn’t use submarines as a penis,” I replied. “I happened to be holding it in that position when Mom took the photo.”

“It’s going on the wall at your wedding.”

“I’m never getting married.”

She groaned. “Birthdays, then. I’ll send them to the email of your future girlfriends. I will find a way!” She punched the air, almost sending herself toppling over.

“Not that drunk, my ass,” I said, pulling her back before she could stumble through the now-open doors and fall flat on her face.

“I’m fine,” she mumbled, once again gripping my t-shirt. “Got a bit excited.”

“You’re insane.”

“No, I’m not. It’s not my fault there are voices.” She tapped the side of their head. “They’re loud. One of them wants to have sex.”

Jesus fucking Christ.

“Oh. That’s my voice.” She snorted then clapped her hand over her mouth to hide it.

My eyebrows shot up, and I stopped outside the front door to look down at her. “Your voice is the one who wants to have sex?”

Her cheeks flushed, and she refused to meet my eyes. “No comment.”

I stared at her for a moment longer before I let her go to put the key into the lock. It clicked when I turned it, and I pushed the door wide open so I could easily help Shelby through.

“I got it.” She waved her hand in my direction and used the doorframe to get inside. I shook my head, following her and shutting the door behind us. I paused to lock it, turning just in time to grab Shelby and reroute her to the kitchen.

“Water and aspirin,” I reminded her. “I’m not going to listen to you complain about a hangover tomorrow just because you had a little too much wine with my mother. By now, you should really know better.”

“Pish.” She gripped the counter as she opened the fridge. “Your mom is fun. Especially when we get out the baby pictures.”

“I’m going to call your mom and have her send me your baby photos.”

“Go ahead. She probably lost them.” Shelby looked over her shoulder at me. “You know what she’s like. She can’t even remember my birthday most years without setting herself a reminder.”

Well, that was true. She was the ditsiest person I knew.

I pulled the aspirin from the cupboard and tapped two out of the bottle for her. I set them down on the wooden cutting board and got two for myself, then took hers over to her. She was frowning at the water bottle, and I grinned when I realized what she was doing.

I put down the pills again and took it from her, easily untwisting the cap.

Now, she frowned at me. “How did you do that?”

“I twisted it the right way.”

“Ohhh.” She tilted her head to the side. So much so that she almost fell over.

“Okay. Drink this and take the aspirin. You’ve had enough injuries for one day.” I handed her back the bottle and shoved two of the pills at her.

She did as she was told, taking them from me. She tossed them into her mouth and washed them down before setting the bottle down. “Thank you. You’re such a good friend. Even if the voices in my head want to have sex with you.”