Eastern Lights (Compass 2)

“Yeah, which by the way, makes me extremely confused. Because afterwards, you were falling back into self-love. I thought we really had some breakthroughs that night. Color me shocked when two years later I find out that you were engaged to the bane of my existence. Like, how, Red?! How did you end up going from where we left off to ending up with Jason Rollsfield? As your temporary life coach, I was hurt by that discovery.”

She laughed lightly and shook her head. “What can I say? I didn’t have enough time to observe your knowledge. You were a flash of love for me, and then reality came back and I fell back into my old patterns. Maybe if I had more time to learn from you, it would’ve stuck better, but it was hard to hold onto something that came and went in a flash of an eye.”

“All right,” I said, rubbing my hands together. “We can start again.”

“What?”

“We are going to get back to our training. It will be easier now, too, seeing how you are my new roommate, and I can help you discover the parts of you that I already know exist. So, this time, it’s not about trying to get you to fall in love with me, it’s getting you to finally, truly, fall in love with yourself.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“As seriously as a heart attack.”

Her eyes flashed with momentary emotion, and for a second it almost looked as if she were going to cry? Did I say something wrong? It didn’t take long for that look to evaporate from her eyes and she gave me a lopsided smile.

“Why do I feel as if this is the best and worst idea in the whole wide world?”

“Uh, because it is the best and worst idea in the whole wide world.” I leaned in toward her. “Say yes?”

She nuzzled on her bottom lip, hesitating as she fell into deep thought. She released a weighted breath and shrugged. “All right…yes. I’m in.”

“Hell yeah! This is going to be fun. I do have a few questions for you, though. To help me figure out the best direction to take this challenge.”

“Like?”

“Do you care what others think of you?”

“Absolutely.”

“Are you a people pleaser?”

“I aim to please.”

“Do you ever say no when asked to do something?”

“Oh gosh no. I like people to like me.”

I shook my head. “What if I told you that people don’t actually like you, but they like what you do for them?”

Her eyes flashed with an intense vulnerability. “Well, that would make me very sad.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I think people only do like me because of what I do for them. And if I don’t do things for them, then they probably wouldn’t like me very much. Which means…I’d be lonely.”

“Red…that’s ridiculous. You are the most likeable person on this whole planet. But people take advantage of that because you are too good. So, I’m going to teach you to set boundaries.”

She wiggled her body around. “That makes me uncomfortable.”

“Good. It should. We aren’t here to be comfortable; we are here to grow. And believe me when I say, once you fall in love with yourself, the right people will come who expect nothing from you at all.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” I tossed a few fries into my mouth. “I think for research perhaps we need to look into why you ended up with someone like Jason to begin with.”

“That’s easy…I loved his parents so much and the feeling of family, that I lied to myself about who he really was.”

“Why did you lie to yourself, though? I don’t get it.”

She tilted her head, seemingly baffled by my confusion. “Because the lie felt more comforting than the truth, and if I didn’t have that lie, then I’d be alone.”

“What’s so scary about being alone?”

“Everything,” she confessed. “Everything’s scary about being alone.”

That made me sad for her, because I knew what loneliness felt like. Maybe not as deeply as her, because I was pretty content with my loneliness. Sometimes I’d have women come into my life for random flings, but I’d learned to enjoy my own company.

“I’d rather be alone by myself than lonely with someone else,” I told her. She smiled, but it felt so sad. I reached across to her and took her hands into mine. “Red, by the end of this, you’re going to be stronger than you ever thought. You’re going to wake up and feel full without the need of another soul, but it will take some time. I’ll be right here beside you, too. You’re going to be confident, and strong, and not take anyone’s bullshit even if their lies feel a bit comforting. You’re going to learn quickly that it’s so much better to sit in moments of ugly truths than swim in beautiful lies.”