Fall (VIP 3)

Stella smiles, clearly not offended. “But I do. And she was right.” She leans in and gives Leo a hug, which he accepts after faltering for a second. A sigh shudders out of him, as though a simple hug is something he’s been needing, before he pulls himself together and steps back.

“When is the funeral?” I ask. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to look death in the face and know it’s waiting for everyone I love. But I’ll do it for Maddy.

Leo’s expression falls and he rubs the back of his and shoots a glance at the door. “By Jewish law, we try to bury our dead within twenty-four hours of death.”

Right. It’s been a week. A week she’s been dead and buried and I hadn’t a clue or thought for her in all that time. Swallowing back the nausea, I say good-bye to Maddy’s son. I’m not really following the conversation, though, but simply going through the motions until I can be alone.

As soon as Leo is gone, Stella turns to me and hugs me close.

“I’m so sad,” she says. “I really liked Mrs. Goldman.”

Staring into the distance, I rub slow circles over Stella’s back. “I did too.”

She nods and a little shudder works over her frame. “I’ll miss her so much. But I can’t help thinking that she’s finally with her Jerry.”

My absent-minded petting halts. “Maddy told you about Jerry?”

“At that lunch. She loved him so much. I think it really tore her up that he’d gone where she couldn’t follow.”

Without a doubt, I know Stella is saying this to comfort both me and herself. It is a comfort imagining Maddy with Jerry. Or it would be if my mind stuck on that, but it twists and turns with cold fear. I think of Maddy’s pain. So many years of suffering alone because she lost the one she loved the most. Every time I visited Maddy, I saw the wistfulness in her eyes, noticed the way she turned every conversation back to her beloved husband. How did she do it? How did she go on after her other half had died?

I feel sick down to my brittle bones and terrified heart. Everything ends. Love dies. In the end, I’ll be alone, and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it.

Stella lifts her head to meet my eyes. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

It’s a lie, though. The walls are closing in on me, shadows swarming on the edges of my mind. I know those shadows, this feeling. For years, I’ve tried to repress this fear when it arrives, but I’ve never been able to fully holster it. And for the first time in a long while, I’m scared. Because nothing good ever comes when I lose control.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

John

* * *

I’m freezing. There’s a nasty beast sitting on my chest, digging its claws in deep. Ripping, pushing, relentless. Sweat slides down my skin. Can’t stop shivering. Everything is black and spinning. I want to shout out, but I can’t speak. I can barely breathe. It’s too heavy. Too much.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The words circle around the drain, swirling and falling. I can’t get them out.

I don’t want this. I never wanted this.

Acid burns my throat, coats the back of my tongue with bitter regret.

I never really wanted this. Not this.

Loneliness is agony. Sobs well up but there’s no strength in me to set them free.

And a hand, warm and big on my shoulder. Human. Familiar.

“Jax! Oh, shit. Jax.” The hand shakes me, arms pull me close. “Fuck, no. John. John!”

Killian. He’s screaming for me. Screaming at me. I can’t let him down. I can’t hurt him. But it’s so hard to open my eyes. I’m tired of everything being so hard. I’m slipping …

My eyes snap open with my gasp. Naked and bathed in sweat, I’m in my bed. I suck in several deep breaths, trying to get hold of my panic. Beside me, Stella is warm and soft and sleeping. She looks like peace and happiness. Everything within me yearns to fall back and wrap myself around her. Hold on tight and never let go.

She’ll know you’re scared and panicking again. What woman wants that in a man? You should be strong for her. She’ll be your new crutch. She can’t fix you.

Clutching the sides of my head, I try to squeeze the thoughts out. But they keep circling that drain. Always circling. Always there.

Can’t breathe.

Maddy is dead.

One day, Stella will be dead too.

Bile surges up my throat. Scrambling, I rush to the bathroom and barely make it on time. And it feels as though everything I am is being purged. I’m losing myself again. All that’s left is an empty hole.

I hate this. I hate finding myself on the floor, a shell of what I was. Or maybe that’s what I really am—a shell that I’m desperately trying to fill up with something good and pure. But it doesn’t work. Not for long. And I’m back to being that empty vessel.