Fall (VIP 3)

A little laughing sob breaks free, and I burrow my face in Stevens’s ruff, heedless of the hairs tickling my nose. I should’ve let this go a long time ago. Dad left me. Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve another thought. But it didn’t stop me from spending far too much money looking for him.

I’m not even sure what I wanted with him. A chance to say fuck you for leaving me. A chance to ask why I was disposable. Maybe even to ask if we had other family. My mom didn’t have any.

Mom. There are days I struggle to remember her face. I have nothing left of her, no pictures, no mementos. By the time my dad had thought to pack up her things, an irate landlord had already thrown everything out and our apartment in DC had been rented. I’d never forgiven my dad for that.

It horrifies me that her features are nebulous in my mind. I know she had blond hair that was silky and cool to the touch, and deep blue eyes—the same color as mine. She smelled of fresh apples, and when I was sad, I used to rest my head on the slope of her breast and listen to her heartbeat.

I miss her so much it hurts to breathe sometimes. But she is gone. I have no one to rely on but myself. It’s been this way long enough that I should accept it and move on. I’ve been stuck in a holding pattern, trying to find a dad who failed me in too many ways.

Wiping my face, I set Stevens aside and stand, stretching my tired muscles. “No more self-pity, Stevens.”

Walking into the bathroom, I grab some tissue and blow my nose before washing my face. Stevens follows, watching with curious interest.

“I’m young and intelligent. My whole life is ahead of me. I’m staying in a penthouse with the cutest cat ever.” At this Stevens meows, and I grin. “Cutest, smartest cat ever. I don’t need to find the asshole who made me miserable when he was around. No more. Onward and upward.”

Stevens meows again, and I nod. “It is decided.”

With that, I take a long, hot shower. And if I happen to cry the whole time, there’s only Stevens to hear my sobs, and he’s not going to tell anyone.

John

* * *

I know the signs. They’re pretty damn clear. The weight in my chest, the way it becomes harder to get up in the morning, because the bed is comfortable and dreams are better than reality. Everything becomes heavy. Even my mind.

That’s the worst thing about it, not being able to escape your mind.

The mind is everything, right? How do you get away from your own thoughts? You can’t. There is only distraction.

It used to be that when my world started to go dark, I’d distract myself with music, drinking, partying, sex. Great distractions when you’re a rock star and everyone wants to please you. At least for a while. But the dark will always find a way in.

Besides, drinking, doing drugs? Worst fucking distraction ever. I might as well have pushed a self-destruct button and saved myself some time.

I slouch down on my couch and run a hand over my face to feel something other than the heaviness pressing into me. Doesn’t stop the whispers, though. The insidious little thoughts creeping through my brain, telling me that I deserved this, that I am a waste of space.

“Goddamnit.” I lunge up and prowl the living room. Coping mechanism number one: remind yourself that your thoughts are not always your friend. They can lie like a motherfucker.

I’m Jax fucking Blackwood, a goddamn legend. I’m the voice of my generation.

Not anymore. You’re the cautionary tale of your generation.

“Shit.”

It’s not true, man. That’s just anxiety trying to make a nice, comfortable home in your brain. Fuck off, anxiety.

I settle a little, but not enough. I’m on medication, but that isn’t as black and white as it sounds. It’s a matter of finding what medication works for me. Trial and error. And no matter what I take, I have to stay mentally vigilant.

I make an appointment with my therapist. I won’t lie—the childish side of me chafes at the fact that I need to reach out for help. It’s stupid as hell, but there it is; I feel dependent on others and don’t like it. But that’s part of what pulled me under before—the refusal to believe that I needed help.

I know better now. And right now, I need reinforcements. Even if this is going to suck ass.

I pick up my phone and dial.

Thirty minutes later, my doorbell rings.

Fucking, fuck, fuck, this is really going to blow chunks.

Rye and Whip grin at me from the other side of the door.

“Hello there, Sting,” Rye says as he shoulders past me.