Hold the Forevers

And there I stood, on a precipice, ready to fall back onto that wheel that had always dragged us together. I couldn’t have both.

So today, I had to choose: Ash or Cole.

Silence lingered in the space after Cole’s objection.

I stood on the altar, paralyzed. There was buzzing in my ears, a sick feeling in my stomach, and suddenly, it felt as if everything were moving in slow motion.

Ash took a step forward. His mother’s hand moved to her mouth in horror. His dad came to his feet. Courtney stepped in to intercede and stop Cole somehow.

But how exactly could she have possibly stopped Cole from getting inside? He was still as big as he’d ever been. Still the tall, built football player he’d been in college. There was no way anyone could stop him if he was determined.

One look into his blue eyes showed just how determined he was.

I should have known then what to do. The choice should have been easy, but it never had been. That was how we’d gotten here to begin with. The last time I’d been confronted with this choice, I’d decided on both and then walked away without either of them. I couldn’t do that today.

Everyone stared at me.

Waiting for me to decide.

To tell Cole to leave and finish the ceremony.

“This isn’t what you want,” Cole insisted.

“Lila,” Ash hissed.

He dragged my attention away from Cole. Away from the pleading look on his face for me not to make the mistake of a lifetime.

It was too much.

All of it too much.

Sensory overload.

In the space of a few seconds, I went from certain I was making the right choice to feeling like I couldn’t breathe. My dress was too tight. Everything was too close. I couldn’t get air in my lungs. I was panicking much worse than yesterday at the dress rehearsal.

It was then that I realized how much I’d been truly lying to myself. About everything. I’d said I was happy. I’d said that I was ready. Meanwhile, I’d been panicking at every turn that I was making the wrong decision. Freaking out for weeks on end that I’d run into Cole and have to explain myself.

Yet there was no explanation. No reason good enough for why I hadn’t told him, except fear. The same fear I felt at this very moment with him standing in front of me. Ash beside me. My world in chaos.

I would have gone through with the wedding.

Stood at Ash’s side.

Lived this life.

I could have done it.

And now, I couldn’t see beyond this minute.

With a strangled gasp, I took a step back away from them both. I couldn’t stand there with four hundred people staring at me. Three hundred and fifty more people than I’d wanted at this wedding. In a church I hadn’t wanted to have the ceremony. With a priest I hadn’t wanted. And all the compromises I’d made to satisfy the new family I was making, who had never even liked me anyway.

I wanted to say something, to apologize, but nothing came out.

And then I turned on my heel and fled.

42

Wedding Day

June 15, 2019

The first step outside was like a cool dip on a hot summer day. I gasped in all the air that my lungs could hold. All the air that I couldn’t breathe inside that stifling church.

I couldn’t believe I’d done that.

After all that bullshit about making a choice, I’d still run from them. I had to decide. I had to. I’d thought I already had.

“Fuck,” I yelled on the hallowed grounds. I couldn’t bring myself to care.

I was just so angry.

So angry that I was even standing here.

What would people say about me fleeing my own wedding? Only minutes from saying our I dos. I knew exactly what Ash’s parents would say. They’d criticize me, as they always had. They’d only put up with me because of Ash. And now?

Could I even blame them for thinking of me as some covetous bitch who had ruined their lives? The city of Savannah would talk about this moment for years to come. I knew how they’d vilified Josie’s mom. I’d seen the condemnation of other women. I would be just like them. And maybe I’d earned it.

My indecision had thrown us into this mess in the first place. If I could have put Cole behind me like I’d claimed I had. If I could have kept lying to myself that he didn’t matter. That it would get easier with time. When I knew it had never gotten easier with time.

Ash was my first love.

But Cole was the one who had put me back together after Ash shattered my heart into a million little pieces.

It was impossible to separate them in my head anymore. We’d all hurt each other. Broken promises. Let loose our fury.

It was why I’d walked away in the first place.