Hold the Forevers

I never saw either of them. Just like I’d wanted.

I’d wanted to move on.

And I still hadn’t.

I took a step back, away from him.

“No,” I whispered.

Marley shot me a sympathetic look. “Are you sure?”

“No,” I repeated.

I tipped my head at him. We didn’t have to speak. He knew my thoughts as if they were painted on my skin. He knew that I’d missed him and I wanted to talk to him. Knew that I’d already made my decision. That pushing me would get him nowhere with me.

Still, he took that step forward. The want, the ache, the need still there. For both of us.

“We should go,” I told Marley.

I turned my back on Ash, just as I’d done to Cole. I needed more time. If I could survive without them.

And the jury was still out.

37

Savannah

December 24, 2017

“This is the last one,” my mom said.

She dropped a box at my feet, and I stared at the half-dozen of them in dismay.

“How do I have this much stuff?”

“Beats me, but I want it out of my house.”

“Just throw it all away. I clearly haven’t missed it.”

My mom gave me the look.

“Your cheerleading jacket? Your high school yearbooks? The dance trophies?”

“Fine,” I grumbled. “I’ll go through it all.”

“Good. Now, are you sure about mass? We’re not leaving until Steph shows. You still have time to change your mind.”

I wrinkled my nose. The last thing that I wanted to do was go to Christmas Eve mass at the cathedral where Ash and Cole had fought on the church steps. No, thanks. I’d be shocked if I ever stepped foot inside that place again.

“I’m going to pass.”

My mom sighed. “All right. Well, if you change your mind, Steph and the kids are coming over in an hour. Elle and Gary are meeting us at the service.”

“Sounds good, Mom.”

Mom kissed the top of my head. “I’m glad you’re here and in such a better place. When I saw you this summer, I was so worried.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“Can’t help it. That’s my job.”

She smiled and then headed back down the hall. I hated that I made my mom worry. Though she’d had reason to worry. I’d been a wreck for months after what had happened. I’d thought that I’d never get over it. Never feel comfortable in my own skin again. Not to mention, dating had been a catastrophe. Though most of it had gotten better. I’d dated more duds than good guys, but it had shown me more of what I actually wanted from a relationship. I knew who I was again.

It was probably easier that I hadn’t seen Cole or Ash pretty much all year. Cole’s new job had taken him out of the department. No one saw him anymore, and our mutual friends knew better than to bring him up. And Ash had been absent as well, finishing his MBA.

Everyone said that time would help me move on, but I hadn’t found that to be true. I’d gone longer time spans without them, and it hadn’t ever changed anything. I didn’t expect it to this time either. But at least, this time, it wasn’t an acute pain, but more of a dull ache. So, I kept my head down and focused on getting my life together.

I’d even asked for Christmas Eve off from work, so I could come down here to be with Mom instead of in New Orleans with the team. I’d numbly watched the loss from my mom’s TV. It was the first game I’d missed in years, and the loss made it worse.

Which was how I’d ended up cleaning out old boxes of my stuff. I felt bad about tossing the dance trophies and yearbooks. So, I made a pile to keep and a pile to discard. The discard pile growing rapidly. I didn’t have much room in my studio apartment back in Atlanta.

My hand settled on a stack of pictures under the yearbooks. My heart clenched. It was the dozens of pictures my mom had taken of me and Ash at prom. I was in my silvery blue dress and he had the matching bow tie. We looked so young. So young and so happy. So in love. I’d had no idea what would happen that night. I flipped through a bunch before putting the whole lot in the keep pile. I couldn’t look through them. It hurt too much.

I dumped out the next box onto my already-messy floor and began to sort. I swallowed as I moved from high school to college. And there, amid the chaos, was a group of photographs from my sunflower session with Cole. Our heads tilted together, love apparent on our faces. I squeezed my eyes shut. God, it all felt so long ago. Like a strange and distant past when there had been nothing between us.