The Crush

He took a deep breath in. “Thank you.”

He’d said he wasn’t ready to talk about it, but there was something I needed to get off my chest.

“I sometimes wonder if you feel guilty that you were the only survivor. That kind of guilt can be quite toxic. You know it wasn’t your fault, right? You had no control over any of it.”

Jace placed his head in his hands. Was he about to cry? I hadn’t seen him express this kind of emotion since he’d been back.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that I understand. Even though I wasn’t there…I understand.”

He looked up at me. “It’s okay.”

I stood up. “I can give you some space if you’d rather be alone.”

He reached for my arm. “No. I don’t want that at all. Stay.”

There was nothing I wanted more.

Chapter 12

* * *

Jace

She looked so beautiful under the moonlight. Sometimes it was hard to believe this was the same girl who used to chew on her hair. Farrah had turned into such a graceful and mature woman. As much as she had her quirks, her ideals and outlook were more in line with mine than most of the women I’d come across in my adult life. She wasn’t judgmental, and I never felt uncomfortable around her, despite not being comfortable with my attraction to her. Right now, I absolutely loved hanging out with her.

“What do you want out of life, Farrah?” I asked.

She smiled and sat forward to look at me, her stare penetrating. “I think I want to re-create the peace I had before my parents died. I’m not sure how to do that, though. I don’t know that I can ever feel normal again—completely safe. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone for financial support, either. I want to feel secure, economically and emotionally. But I’m a far cry from that.” She looked up at the stars. “So, my three answers are peace, happiness, and financial security.” Farrah raised her chin. “I feel like you’ve accomplished so much. I would like to be in that same boat at some point—graduate from college and grad school and have enough experience to get a good job and take care of myself.”

I shrugged. “I might have a good resume, but I’m far from where I want to be in life. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I ran away when things got tough and haven’t dealt with stuff. So while I might appear to have my shit together, it’s more of an illusion.”

“Have you talked about your feelings with anyone?”

“That’s what I’m doing now.” I smiled. “This is the extent of it.” I sighed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, to be honest. It’s not like I can change anything that happened. Will talking about it really help? I don’t know. I’ve always just buried myself in school and work.”

“We have that in common—not dealing with things. I’ve been focused on my meaningless job and being there for Nathan, but I don’t feel like I’m living my life the way I want to. Honestly, the past seven years have been a blur.”

I nodded. “I also feel like I’ve had two different lives: before and after. You know what I mean?”

She nodded. “I know exactly what you mean.”

Our eyes locked.

“I know you do.”

“Despite how hard it’s been,” she said, “when you came back to Florida, it felt really good. It was like I got a part of the ‘before’ back. I didn’t have much growing up. I had my parents, and I had Nathan, and honestly, Jace… I had you. Because you were always around. You coming back was the best thing that had happened to me in a very long time.” She got a little choked up. “I know I complicated things by showing my feelings for you, but I hope you know that no matter what happens…I will always cherish you.”

An unidentifiable feeling bubbled inside my chest—a warm sensation mixed with intense guilt.

I wanted so badly to lean in and kiss her. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“I think you’re pretty amazing, too,” she whispered.

“When my mother told me about seeing you with that guy, Colton, I guess she could sense a weird vibe from me. She asked if it upset me.”

Even in the darkness, I could see her cheeks turn pink.

“You were jealous?”

I nodded. “You know the saying, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen? That’s what I did. I got the hell out of the kitchen—literally just got up from the table because I’ve never been able to lie to my mother.”

“Why were you afraid to tell her?”

“I didn’t want her to convince me to do the wrong thing. My mother is not a good influence. She’s very much a romantic, and she freaking adores you. I think she would love it if we were together. She has a lot of respect for you.”