What If

“I’d love to know more about them all someday. When you want to tell me, I wish I could have known them.”

“I wish they could have known you. But I know they see us. See how happy you make me, and that’s all they ever wanted for me. To be happy. You make me happy Jessie. I just hope I can do the same for you.”

Chapter 10

Jessie

“How many days?” Heather’s voice hits a high note. I hold the phone to my ear in the back of the bakery.

“Well, I went there after I left you guys Monday.”

“It’s Thursday, Jessie! You’ve been with him all this time?”

“Well, he’s gone to work. I’ve worked from his place. Went to the bakery. Gone to my place to pick up some things. But yes, we’ve been together since Monday.”

“How do you feel? Are you, like, getting sick of him yet? That’s a lot of time to spend with someone you don’t really know.”

Her words sound strange. Saying that I don’t really know Torin feels foreign to me. I feel like I know him as well as anyone ever in my life.

“Not at all. It feels like we’ve been doing this forever. And he has this nickname for me. Blossom, because he raises orchids. God, right?”

“For the love of all things holy, really? Okay. I just worry about you, is all. And, speaking of worrying, anything else going on with that other thing? The guy who was messaging you?”

My insides twist. “Yeah, a couple weirder messages but I’m just ignoring it. He’ll get tired and stop. I’ve talked it over with Barbara, my therapist too, and I feel okay about it.”

It’s not the whole truth. The messages have increased and gotten more personal. I thought about telling Torin, but sometimes with these crazies that follow authors, the best response is no response. I knew if I told Torin, all hell would break loose, so I just kept my mouth shut. Besides, I don’t want to come off as some damsel in distress.

Needing my big, tough cop boyfriend to take matters into his hands isn’t what I want.

It’s such a trope. Sure, it’s in a lot of my books, but I don’t want to live it. I don’t want to create some false sense of needing to be saved.

“Okay but be careful.”

“I will.”

“So, he’s a detective.” I hear the twinge in her voice, and the knots inside me tighten again.

I guess being in this bubble of happiness means I’m not dealing with some of the realities of my life, but I don’t want the magic to end.

“Yeah, he is,” I reply. “And no, I haven’t told him.”

“Jessie…”

“I know. And I will. It’s just not the right time.”

The knots turn to a sick feeling as I remember listening to Torin talk about the pending promotion he’s on the short list to receive. I’m sort of surprised he hasn’t looked into my background already, but on the other hand, I’m not. It’s not his style, and he so much as said he wouldn’t because he wanted to know me. The me I am to him. Here and now.

Anyway, I can’t say I’m not scared about what will happen if he learns he’s involved with a felon. I don’t think that would push him to the top of the promotion list. I know if I told him about it, he would be honest and probably step away from the possibility, butI never want to be the thing that holds him back.

Besides, once he’s got it, he’s got it, right? I mean, they’re not going to take it away just because of something someone else in his personal life did a long time ago. So, I just need to wait. Then I can tell him. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

“Okay. It’s just you can’t start something like this without being honest about things. Important things. It’s not fair to either of you. Even if it was a stupid mistake and you didn’t really know what was going on. It’s still on your record, and it could affect Torin and his life. So please promise me you will tell him, okay? I don’t want to see you get so involved, then have it blow up, and you are more hurt than you would be now when it’s just starting. And, you know, you should probably tell him about the other thing too. If only to get it all out there.”

“I know. I said I’ll tell him. I’m just so happy right now…” I’m surprised when my voice cracks on the last words.

“I know, honey.” Heather wants the best for me, I know. “It will all work out if you’re honest. If he’s the man you say he is. I know it will.”

Her words ring in my head the rest of my shift at the bakery. Torin is due to pick me up in a couple of hours when he’s off work.