The Boy on the Bridge

I wrap my arm around her and pull her closer.

She told me once that choosing to be with me now would mean sacrificing her own self-respect. I know Riley loves me. I know she loves me a lot.

I do not know that she’s going to make that sacrifice for me. If she still feels that way…

Well, then today is not going to be a very good day.

I don’t want to draw it out, though. I want to get this part over and done with so I know where we’re going next.

I reach over and touch her face, pulling her focus away from the water. She turns her head toward me, her big blue eyes meeting mine.

She doesn’t look as anxious as I feel about all this, but she doesn’t have the sparkle I thought she would if she came here to tell me good news, either.

I truly don’t know what to expect. I can’t tell what she’s feeling.

I need to connect with her.

I graze her bottom lip with the blunt end of my thumb, watching her face as her eyes close and she takes a big breath. I love her sighs of pleasure.

I lean in to kiss her, but before I do, I rest my forehead against hers and just enjoy being this close to her.

“Are you gonna kiss me, or do I have to do it?” she teases.

A smile tugs at my lips. I open my eyes and look into hers. “Be patient, Catnip.”

“What are you waiting for?” she asks.

I consider for a moment whether or not I want to answer. I don’t want to wipe the easy smile off her face, but I don’t want either of us to lie to ourselves about the significance of this moment, either.

Finally, I tell her, “I figure if this is going to be the last time I ever kiss you, it better be a good one.”

Her face falls and it hits me in the gut. “Hunter,” she says softly, her hand rising to cup my face.

I lean in, closing the small distance between us and tasting her lips. Maybe because I said that, the kiss is a little needier, a little more bittersweet. It tastes like fractured innocence. It has the tang of salty tears and heady regret.

All I wanted was to build us a ship that couldn’t sink, but I know I splintered a lot of wood in the process. I know what it could cost me.

Cost us, because whether she ultimately chooses to be with me or not, I don’t think anyone could ever love Riley more than I love her. It’s not possible.

My lips leave hers, but our faces stay close. Riley blinks up at me, her eyes full of sadness I know I put there.

I caused all of this, and I fucking hate that.

Swallowing, I look at her pretty face, drag my thumb across her full bottom lip.

Words usually come pretty easily to me, but right now I’m struggling with what I want to say, how I want to say it.

“I want you to know that meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Those words are harder to get out than I thought they’d be, so I stop, even though I don’t mean to.

“Hunter,” Riley says, her eyes filling with tears.

I shake my head. “Let me say this.”

Her brow furrows. A big tear sneaks out of the corner of her eye, but she nods.

I use my thumb to wipe that tear off her pretty face. “I know I hurt you. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. Certainly the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, and it has a lot of competition there, but…” I glance down, then look back at her. “When we were in middle school, you didn’t scare me. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know enough to be scared. I was young, I didn’t know anything.”

I look down.

Riley caresses my jaw, a comforting gesture I don’t deserve.

Meeting her gaze again, I tell her, “I’ve done a lot of shit to you over the years, Riley. It’s crazy that you still care about me at all, let alone love me like you do.”

At that, she can’t help interrupting. “No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.” I caress her face, too, before getting back to what I wanted to say. “I never stopped thinking about you. I lived on the other side of the world, you weren’t even part of my life anymore, but still… you were there. And I kinda knew it was crazy. I even convinced myself you were only preserved in my memory, that if I came back, it wouldn’t be like that, you know? You were almost a fantasy, like a book I never got to read the end of.”

Riley sighs, but she doesn’t interrupt me.

“And in my head, you’ve always been mine,” I tell her. “When I found out you were with someone, I didn’t know any details. I didn’t know if it was serious, if you loved him, if he treated you the way you deserved to be treated. I didn’t know anything, but I didn’t need to. I knew all I needed to know. Someone else might be taking up space in your heart, space that I thought belonged to me. I had to come back. I had to know if that connection between us was still there, or if it was some dead-end idea I just couldn’t let go of. I had to find out once and for all if you were mine.”