So Good

My heart started racing at that small, innocent touch. His hand was so much bigger than mine, his palms and fingers callused from the hard manual work he did day in and day out. His skin was warm, golden brown as if it were kissed from the sun.

I wanted to hold on to that, take it in, let it consume me.

I opened my mouth, the words right there on the tip of my tongue.

I love you. I love you. I’m so in love with you.

Those words repeated over and over in my head like this mantra, so close to being free, my deepest, darkest secret ready to be spilled. But the sound of his phone vibrating in his pocket had me swallowing them, had them hiding deep down inside of me once more.

For a moment, it looked like he didn’t want to break the connection, this moment between us, but when he fished it out of his pocket and looked at the screen, I saw the seriousness on his face.

“It’s work. I have to take it.” He gave my hand a squeeze and I felt my belly tighten in response.

He stood, and I watched him walk away and go back into the house.

All I wanted to do was call him back, to be honest and tell him that I loved him, that it might be wrong, that he was my uncle, but that there was nobody else in the world I’d ever give my heart to but him.

* * *

Matthew

I ended the call and shoved my cell back in my pocket, my heart racing and my hands sweaty. My reaction had nothing to do with the work call I’d just taken, and everything to do with being out there on the porch with Ivy.

My Ivy.

What I felt for her was twisted, taboo. She was my niece, for fuck’s sake. And although we weren’t blood related, I was her family, had watched her grow into the beautiful woman she was today.

What was wrong with me? She was so innocent and vulnerable, so impressionable. And the way she looked at me told me my feelings weren’t one-sided.

She looked at me with adoration and love, as if I could give her the world if she asked.

And I would, in a heartbeat.

But she was so young, only eighteen. I was old enough to be her father.

I was her step-uncle.

So wrong, yet I couldn’t help myself with her, couldn’t control my feelings.

I walked over to the window and could see her standing by the banister now, leaning against it. She was gorgeous, but the things I felt for her were wrong. I felt as if I were breaking the law, going against a moral code.

Betraying my brother.

I heard him start to come down the stairs and looked away from Ivy, watching as he stepped onto the landing.

He glanced up, and seemed surprised that I was standing there.

“Hey,” he said and scratched his jaw, the sound of his nails going over his scruff loud in the foyer.

I cleared my throat, feeling guilty as hell for just thinking about Ivy in the way I was. “How are you holding up?” Over the last week we hadn’t spoken too much about what was going down, not anything in depth.

He loved his former employer’s daughter, refused to stop seeing her, so he’d lost his job because he broke the rules.

Stephan looked exhausted, as if he’d been put through the wringer.

“Honestly? I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.”

I felt like shit, because here was my brother going through all this crap in his life, and I was thinking about wanting Ivy in some pretty obscene ways. My desires and needs were so minimal compared to the priorities at hand.

I nodded, not knowing what to say, how to make things better.

“But ain’t shit to be done but move forward.” He exhaled. “I want to thank you for moving in and helping me. I know I’ve only been out of work for a week, but I’m already starting to feel the pressure of not finding a job, having to explain to potential employers why I lost my previous one, and then the bills are mounting. It’s all pretty fucking stressful.”

I walked up to him and clapped him on the back. “We’re family. I’d do anything for you and Ivy.” And on the heels of that I thought about my love for her, how for the past year I’d wanted her like no other.

It was as if something in me had been awoken when she turned eighteen. But I kept those feelings hidden like my life depended on it. And I suppose it did.

I didn’t want to cross that line. I didn’t want to betray the people I trusted, who trusted me, and who I loved. But I saw Ivy as a woman. I saw her as mine.