Once We Were Starlight

“Here?” I blurted. I didn’t even know where here was, but it made no difference. “Zakai here and me in this place of New York City?” Terror and desperation clawed at the inside of my skin. “No!”

“Karys,” Zakai said softly.

“No!” I said more loudly. “I won’t go!” I scooted my chair more closely to Zakai, the legs screeching on the floor. I looped my arm through his and joined my hands, refusing to let go. “I will not go to New York City or anywhere without Zakai! I won’t travel five miles or five feet!”

“Karys, I understand,” Cody Rutland said. “But your uncle—”

“Tell this uncle no!” I said. “I don’t want him or New York City. I won’t go over any ocean if it separates me and Zakai!”

Cody Rutland stared at me for several moments, his lips formed in a thin line again. He sighed. “Let me talk to him and see what he says.”

I let out a whoosh of air, my limbs quivering. It didn’t matter what he said. I wouldn’t go. I would not. I gripped more tightly to Zakai.

Zakai put his hand on my arm, wrapping his fingers around it. “Is it possible . . .” Zakai started, but then stopped, pressing his lips together.

“Yes?” Cody Rutland asked.

Zakai glanced at me, his eyes so sad it broke my heart. “Is it possible this U.S. soldier was . . .”

“Your father too?” Cody Rutland asked very gently.

I stared at Zakai. He didn’t confirm Cody Rutland’s question, but the bleak expression in his eyes told me all I needed to know.

Cody Rutland blew out a breath. “There’s no indication of that, Zakai. There are tests that can be done however, if you choose.”

Zakai glanced at me and then away. “I believe I’m older than Karys. I have . . . more memories of . . . the time before Sundara.”

The time before Sundara. My brow dipped. He’d never told me of more memories, only of the gutter and the hunger and the cold. My heart constricted and I felt suddenly lost, though my location had not changed. I still sat beside Zakai, my arm looped tightly through his. But something I couldn’t identify was falling away, and I didn’t know where or how to grasp it to make it stay.

“Karys’s father did a three-year service tour, I believe. But again, a test can confirm or deny a blood relation.” Cody Rutland’s eyes were worried as he glanced between the two of us. He knew the nature of our relationship. He’d seen it up close and personal. After a moment of silence, Cody Rutland picked up the folder and stood. “I’m going to make a few phone calls and then grab some lunch for you two. Oh, and a globe. Stay put and I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

He turned and left the room and only then did I let go of Zakai. “Karys,” he said softly. “There’s a life waiting for you in New York City.”

I blinked at him, my blood cooling several more degrees, the feeling of being lost expanding inside of me. “My life is with you.”

He put his hand on my cheek and leaned his forehead on mine. “I know. And my life is with you. But . . . there’s more . . . out there. I should have told you.” He sighed.

“You should have told me what?”

“How big the world is, Karys.”

My eyes searched his. Was it bad that the world was big? He looked so sad, so incredibly desolate. Yes, the world had always seemed a scary place beyond the borders of Sundara, and it was true that I’d never pondered its size. I’d never thought about places past oceans and things called globes. But . . . if the world—the place Bertha had once called Forastan but I now knew was nothing but a made-up name—was far, far bigger than I imagined, maybe that meant it wasn’t all hunger and suffering, pain and strife.

Something dropped inside me. Something I was too scared to name. Something dark and black and ugly.

I kissed him harshly, suddenly desperate for the familiarity of his mouth, his taste, his flesh on me, in me, consuming me so that I couldn’t think anymore.

But Zakai pulled back, a wet pop sounding as our mouths came apart, gripping the sides of my face. A small sob escaped my throat and Zakai’s battered expression fell. “Karys,” he whispered. “It’s going to be okay. I’ve dreamed things for you.”

“What dreams?” I demanded. “You’re my dream.”

He pressed his lips to my forehead and I felt the warm exhale of his breath against my skin. Somehow I had the sense that he was crying, though there were no tears.

The sudden sound of the door opening made us pull apart, as a woman with short dark hair poked her head in the room. “I’m just checking to see if either of you would like some water.”