The Shortcoming (Unexpected Circumstances 4)

“You have to care of yourself,” Sunniva said. “Not just for your own sake but for Branford’s. You are a part of the royal family now, Alexandra. Your duties lie outside of yourself. One of the things we must do is think of our people first and ourselves second. Do what you must do for the kingdom first, and then you will have the luxury of doing what you wish.”

“Yes, my queen,” I said quietly.

Queen Sunniva stood and stepped up to me.

“None of that now,” she said with a slight smile. “You are my son’s beloved wife, and my title is not necessary when you speak, regardless of the topic.”

I smiled and nodded again. She ran

her hand over my hair and stopped at my shoulder.

“He cares very much for you,” Sunniva told me. “Do you realize this?”

“I…I think so,” I replied. “I care for him, too.”

“I can see that.” Sunniva nodded and stepped back. “Now go to the kitchens and eat. You need your nourishment.”

I bowed my head and did as my queen bade me.

After that conversation, I spent my days trying to keep myself together—for the sake of Ida, Sunniva, Janet, and the other people of the kingdom. I ate because I had promised Branford and the queen that I would though it was difficult to eat much. At night, I could not force myself to sleep, and spent much of the time clutching Branford’s pillow to my chest and being only marginally comforted by his scent. Every time I closed my eyes or took a bite from my plate, I could not help but wonder what he was doing at that moment. Was he fighting, his sword drawn high above his head as he charged into the middle of battle? Did he fight from atop his steed or on the ground? What if he were thrown from his horse? What if he were hurt right now as I rested or ate or spoke of mundane things with Janet?

What if he were lying on the field of battle at this very moment, injured…dying…

While I did what? Worked on my sewing?

I was literally disgusted with myself, but I still spent my days smiling and speaking pleasantly with the people around the castle. Each afternoon, I went to check on Branford’s dogs and smiled at the stable boy who made sure they were fed properly.

At night, I let it all come back to me.

I sat in our chair with Amarra at my side. Janet continued to offer to stay with me through the nights, but as always, I sent her away. Having anyone else in the room only reminded me that Branford was not here. I didn’t even know where he was—still on the road to Hadebrand? Camped somewhere near the border, waiting for the enemy to attack? Or was he—right now—engaged in battle, his life in danger?

A cold shiver ran up my spine.

I had not told him I loved him, and now I wished that I had.

I blinked a few times and realized the fire had nearly gone out, and it was quite late. I had barely slept since he left, and though I was exhausted, I did not try to fool myself into believing slumber would come easily to me this night.

I pointed to Amarra’s cushion by the fireplace, and she obediently clambered on and lay down. Tossing a few more logs onto the fire, I stood and walked across the room to the bed. I lay down on my back and stared at the dark ceiling illuminated only by the firelight.

Even his smell had dissipated from the pillows.

He could be dead or dying right now…

I pushed the thoughts from my head and tried to quiet my mind enough to sleep.

*****

The days passed.

In the mornings, I sat in the chair by the fireplace, drank the tea Janet prepared for me, and tried to ready myself for the coming day. I would dress in the finest dresses and go to the grand hall to meet with those in the court. Afterwards, Ida would spend a few hours a day tutoring me. I had learned the sounds of the letters and was starting to read a few simple phrases.

In the afternoons, I worked on my embroidery, often sitting on one of the benches near the marketplace, where many of the people of Silverhelm would stop and speak to me. I smiled for them. I kept conversations pleasant for them, and I felt as if every word that came out of my mouth was a lie.

In the evenings, I would sit in the garden with Janet or sometimes Ida. Janet told me little of her life with Sir Leland, and I could see she did not wish to speak of that time. She did speak of her life in Seacrest before she was sold to Sir Leland and seemed to have fond memories of tending to fields before hardships on the family who took her in necessitated her sale.

I shuddered when I thought of what she must have endured the two years she had been with that awful man. Even compared to me, she was quite young and conducted herself more as a child than as a woman. She was still gracious and helpful in all things and had even begun to help care for Samantha—the widow of the brave carriage driver who had saved me. Samantha was a small, frail woman with silver hair and hands that shook when she worked for too long. As Branford had promised, Samantha had her own area in the servants’ rooms. Though she could do little work, she was still paid a full servant’s wage for the few hours she was able to help prepare food for the kitchens.

As I learned about the different nobles in the Kingdom of Silverhelm and their relationships with each other, the days continued to pass. As I began reading small parts of scripture that were not too difficult, the days passed. As I sewed, walked through the marketplace, or helped Sunniva tend the gardens, the days passed.