Surviving Raine (Surviving Raine 1)

“What she did to you,” Raine clarified. “What you did afterwards – it doesn’t make any difference.”

“It doesn’t make any difference?”

“I still feel the same about you,” Raine said. “What she did wasn’t your fault.”

“I wasn’t worth it,” I reminded her. “I wasn’t good enough for…”

“Bullshit.”

I had to glance up at her face because it was about the second time I had heard her swear. Her eyes were narrowed, and she glared down at me.

“I was stupid,” I reminded her. “I can’t let myself be that stupid again.”

“Trusting her may have been ill-advised,” Raine agreed, “but caring about someone, even someone who you realize later doesn’t deserve it, isn’t stupid.”

“It sure as hell wasn’t smart,” I argued.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Raine repeated, making each word sharp and clear. “You didn’t deserve to have that happen to you, and I’m not going to think less of you for it. I’ve told you before, but I guess I need to say it again – I’ve seen you, Bastian. I know who you really are behind that armor-plated shield of yours. Now that I understand some of the whys, I only know I want to be there for you more than ever.”

“I’m not good enough for you, Raine,” I said softly, earnestly begging her with my eyes to believe me because if she didn’t, I wasn’t going to be strong enough to stay away from her. I wanted her too much now.

“I think I’m the one who gets to decide that,” Raine said. She raised an eyebrow at me and then leaned down to place a firm kiss against my lips.

“You should decide to tell me to fuck off,” I told her. “It’s your best option.”

Raine gave me half of a sad smile and then slowly shook her head. Both her hands came up and grasped the sides of my face before she reached for me again, her lips meeting mine and pressing against me slowly. She broke away and leaned her forehead against mine, staring directly into my eyes with those beautiful, deep brown irises that made me want to drown in a sea of chocolate.

“Will you try to let me in, Bastian?” Raine asked. Her fingers traced over my jaw. “Just try? I won’t hurt you – I swear I won’t hurt you like that.”

“You’re already in,” I confirmed.

I guess I didn’t need to be alone after all.

Chapter 11 – Land

I sat at the edge of the raft opening, staring out into the darkness and trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me. I hadn’t been able to sleep at all even with Raine running her fingers through my hair. Once she had finally drifted off, I extracted myself from her hold and came here to sit and contemplate…nothing.

I hadn’t known what I was going to feel or how I was supposed to feel when I revealed everything about Jillian and the baby, and I was kind of surprised that I felt mostly empty inside. Maybe it was just reliving all of that shit again – remembering everything I had tried so hard to forget while inside of a bottle or a shot glass. Maybe all I was really feeling was hatred of myself, which was such a familiar feeling it didn’t register as anything to my brain. That could be it. If I had stuck with my usual, misogynistic ways, I never would have fallen for Jillian’s scheme, and I’d be a very different person now.

Wouldn’t I?

I tried to imagine where I would be now if I had never met her or she hadn’t taken off with Ian. Again I was faced with nothingness. Would I still be fighting? I was getting a little old for that shit. I’d be thirty this summer. Maybe I’d be training other fighters, or maybe I would have retired and opened up a brothel or something to pass the time. Maybe we’d be living in a penthouse – Jillian, me, and the baby. Maybe I would have taught the kid self-defense or read books to it every night. Maybe we all could have lived on the boat together and hired a tutor to live with us. I wouldn’t be here; that’s for sure.

I wouldn’t be here with Raine.

Fuck.

I didn’t love Jillian anymore, and if I was to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure if I ever had. Maybe it was just having someone who I thought was permanent in my life was what I loved about our relationship. Maybe I was in love with the idea of love. I was happy with her, though – I remembered that. I had been happier than I ever had been before.

“She makes me feel like I’m actually worth something,” I said to John Paul. I put the free weights down next to the bench and sat up. “Besides Landon, no one ever wanted a stupid punk kid like me. Landon had his own reasons, and those didn’t have a lot to do with me. Anyway – I make him a shit ton of money.”

“Landon cares about you, too,” John Paul said. “He has a fucked up way of showing it, but he cares about both of us, and not just because of the fighting. He sees something more in you, too. If I fucked up, he’d kick me out in a heartbeat. I think you could do just about anything, and he’d still take you back like the prodigal son or something.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I have thought of him as a father from time to time because he’s the closest thing I ever had to one, but he’s certainly threatened to blow my brains out more than once when I fucked up.”

“He didn’t do it, though.”

“No, but he would have. I don’t think he likes Jillian much, but he won’t say why. It’s not like she’s a gold-digger. Jillian doesn’t need my money. It’s good to know she wants just me and not because of something else.”