Judging Books

I decided driving my car to the Lower West Side wasn’t a great idea, so I took a cab instead. It wasn’t hard for the cab driver to find the apartment building with the address Alfero had given me. The complex was a huge, L-shaped collection of buildings with a dilapidated playground and a parking lot full of rusted cars.

It was dark by the time I arrived, and the area was mostly empty and quiet. There were two men—probably homeless from the look of them—leaning against each other’s shoulders and sharing a bottle across the street from the apartment buildings, but they didn’t seem to notice me.

I found the correct building and immediately noticed it was in atrocious condition. Even if the faded paint and worn carpets on the steps inside could be forgiven, I couldn’t ignore the iron gated door, which hung slightly askew by one hinge and did nothing to keep anyone out of the building. There was also a moldy, musty smell once I walked inside that made me a little sick to my stomach. I looked at the slip of paper in my hand and read the apartment number again—306. The numbers on the apartment doors on the lower floor went from 101 to 106.

I went to the elevator, but there was a faded sign over the buttons stating it was out of order. Around the corner, I found the stairs and forced my feet to stomp up the steps, heels and all. The apartment door was right at the top of the stairs, at the back of the building. I took a deep breath and knocked.

Chapter 18—Logic

“Who the fuck knocks?” a male voice called out. “E, did you order a fucking pizza or something?”

I heard some mumbled replies and then laughter, but no one came to the door. I stood there, unaware that I was biting my lip, and I considered turning around and leaving, but I couldn’t. I had to see him. I had to talk to him.

I reached up to knock again just as the door flew open, and an imposing blonde woman with blue eye shadow and a voluptuous figure looked down at me and narrowed her eyes. She wore faded sweatpants and a button down shirt that didn’t quite fit her figure. Behind her was tall man wearing jeans and a T-shirt. He had broad shoulders and a dark, scraggly beard, and I thought he looked vaguely familiar. He might have been one of the guys on the street corner where I had first met Ethan.

“I don’t know you,” the blonde woman stated. She looked down at my shoes and then slowly up to my face again. “You are definitely not from around here.”

“No, I’m not,” I said, feeling flustered by her directness. “I was just looking for Ethan.”

“I told him you would be ugly on the inside,” the big guy said with a sneer. He glared at me. “E always thinks he has a point to prove.”

I remembered the man then. Ethan had pointed him out on the street corner when we first met.

“Holy shit,” the tall blonde said. “Is she the bitch who—”

“Andi.” I heard Ethan’s soft voice before I saw him step out from around the door. “Don’t do that.”

“What? Call her what she is?”

“Stop it,” he said, not taking his eyes from me. “Hey, Ashlyn.”

“Hey,” I replied, nervous and self-conscious. “Can we talk?”

“I guess,” he said. “I’m not really sure what we need to say though.”

“I need to explain,” I replied.

“I get it,” Ethan said with a shrug. “I embarrass you.”

“You don’t have to talk to her, Ethan,” the blonde said. Andi, he had called her. She had to be the Andrea he mentioned before—the one he said liked to play mom for him.

“I know,” he replied. “It’s okay, Andi—really.”

The big guy grabbed Ethan’s arm and silently raised an eyebrow at him. Ethan just shrugged his right shoulder up and down, and the big guy let go of his arm. Andrea huffed and stepped to one side as Ethan walked past her, quietly shutting the door behind him so we were standing in the musty hallway alone.

“Ethan, I’m sorry,” I blurted out quickly. I looked up into his bright green eyes and hoped he would say something because I hadn’t really planned much of a speech. Though I had spent days looking for him just so I could talk to him, I couldn’t come up with the words. I didn’t know what to say. I only knew I didn’t want him to disappear from my life like this. Unfortunately, he just looked at me without responding, forcing me to come up with something. I took a deep breath, and dove into the realm of complete honesty.

“I didn’t want her to see me with you,” I said softly. I felt the pressure of tears building behind my eyes. “I know that’s stupid, and it’s not you at all—it’s her. No, it’s not her—it’s me.”

“I got it,” Ethan said. “You don’t want to be seen with me.”

“I want to see you,” I told him.

“What?” He barked out a laugh. “As long as it’s behind closed doors? Seriously?”

“No!” The tears were flowing now. “There’s just so much pressure from everyone. My friends, my father—they all have a lot of expectations, and I wasn’t prepared to try to explain you just yet.”

“Explain me?” Ethan huffed and grabbed the handle of the door. “I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, and I don’t know if I want to find out.”