Smitten

Since Boston, Ally hasn’t mentioned that conversation we had in Boston—the one where she asked me to produce her album. And she’s been as sweet as ever to me during our video chats and phone calls. So I don’t think she’s holding anything against me. But I am. In fact, my feelings of guilt and shame and regret have been tearing me the fuck apart.

Also, I can’t deny I’ve been freaking out about the future. I played it cool when Alessandra said she was worried about it—about our careers eventually pulling us apart. But now that I’ve had some time to reflect, I think maybe Ally had a point about that. When her single comes out next week and inevitably blasts up the charts, will Alessandra start getting offers from big hitters in the indie pop space to open for them? I’m guessing she will. Or at least, she’ll get those kinds of offers after her album drops, and everyone finds out what a quirky little genius she is. At any rate, whenever those opportunities start pouring in, which they will, I know in my heart she should run with them. She should absolutely tour the world and spread her music near and far, without a thought about my schedule or obligations.

I’ve thought about trying to get Alessandra slotted as the opener for 22 Goats on our next tour, obviously. That’s the “obvious” answer to this logistical pickle. But I don’t think that plan is a great one. First off, we Goats don’t call the shots on slotting our tours. Reed has final say on that, and he’s got a notoriously Machiavellian mind when it comes to business matters.

But even assuming Reed would say yes, out of the goodness of his heart, I’m not sure that plan would be the best one to launch Alessandra’s budding career. It wouldn’t be a total miss, if she opened for us. Any new artist opening for my band would get tons of exposure. But in my heart, I know Alessandra shouldn’t be playing in arenas for fans like ours. She should be opening for someone like Laila, who plays far more intimate venues and also has an audience that would fully appreciate Ally’s quirky appeal.

“Fish. Yo.”

I turn my head. It’s Dax offering me the latest joint we’ve been passing around. I crawl a few paces across the hardwood floor and take the thing from Dax, who’s sitting on Zander’s couch. “Thanks.” I sit over my bent knees, with my back against the bottom of the couch, take a long hit, and try to pass the thing to Colin. But he looks deep in thought and miserable on the other end of the couch and isn’t paying attention.

“You okay, Underwear Model?” I ask.

He looks down at me, his eyes glazed over. “No.”

“What’s up?”

Colin takes the joint, sucks on it, and exhales a long plume of smoke before saying, “Kiera and I broke up for good.”

“When?”

“Two days ago.”

Keane and Zander stop talking. Those two have been sitting in side-by-side armchairs bantering. But something in Colin’s tone apparently caused them to stop talking and listen in.

“What’s going on?” Zander asks.

I fill them in.

Dax says to Colin, “No wonder you were such a dick in the studio yesterday.”

Colin scowls, making it clear he’s in no mood to be teased right now.

Dax softens. “Sorry, man. You really think it’s for good this time?”

Colin leans back into the couch, his body language defeated. “Yep.”

“Why didn’t you tell us yesterday?” I ask.

Colin looks out one of the floor-to-ceiling windows of Zander’s gorgeous living room again. “I guess I just wanted to get lost in the music and not think about it. Kiera got offered a world tour that’s going to last eighteen months and she took it.” Colin provides some details. He names the pop star Kiera will be dancing behind on tour—Kiera’s a professional dancer—and adds, “In the past, whenever she’s been offered extra-long tours like that, she’s always turned them down, so we wouldn’t be apart too long. But this time, she wants to go. And not only that, she flat-out told me she plans to fuck other people while she’s gone. Lots of other people.”

The rest of us grimace and say some version of “That sucks” and “Sorry, man.”

Colin exhales loudly and runs his tattooed hand through his dark hair. “It’s probably for the best. The spark in the beginning with Kiera was off the charts. Like nothing I’d felt before. I would have sworn back then we’d be together forever. But with both of us having careers that put us on the road for long stretches . . . being forced apart so much just snuffed out our flame, I guess. It was inevitable.”

Fuuuuuck. This is literally the last thing I need to be hearing right now.