Tainted Heartbreak (Tainted Knights 3)

“I don’t know if you can,” she told me as tears filled her eyes. “I love you. I love you so much it physically hurts right now. But I can’t trust you. And I can’t trust myself. That’s why I’m leaving. I need to learn to trust my own judgment again before I can even think about you and me.”

Pushing her cases farther back on the mattress, I dropped down on the corner of the bed and grasped her hands. I made sure to keep my hold on her firm but not hard, so if she tried to pull away this time, I wouldn’t bruise her. As I saw the fading proof of what had happened last time I’d been desperate for her not to walk away from me, a lump filled my throat. I kissed each small bruise, tears and panic choking me. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me. Let me show you that you can trust me. Just let me love you.”

“Don’t…” she sobbed. “I need to do this.”

“I love you, Amara. I fucked up, but I swear to you, I won’t ever hurt you again. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t go.” My tears were blinding me now, and I let them fall unashamedly. “Whatever you want. I swear, I’ll do it. Just…please, baby.”

“If you love me, then let me go.” Her voice cracked as she jerked away from me. “Give me time to think, Cash.”

“What do you need to think about?” I demanded, anger rising in me because I was feeling fucking helpless. She was leaving me. Fuck, she was going to walk out of my life, and I had no way in hell of knowing when or motherfucking if she was going to come back. “You love me. I love you. I fucked up. You forgive me, we move on, and we live our lives together. Screw the rest of the world. Screw Lindsey and Gigi and every fucking person on the planet who wants to get in our way.”

“You think it’s that easy?” She laughed without amusement. “You think you can lie to me for the entire duration of our relationship, and just because we love each other, I should just say ‘oh well’ and forgive and forget? You fucking cheated on me!”

“The fuck I did!” I jerked to my feet, raking my hands through my hair. “I told you, nothing happened between Lindsey and me. Nothing.”

“You didn’t fuck her, good for you.” She pushed her hair behind her ear, shaking her head in irritation. “But you still cheated, Cash. You asked me to be your girlfriend—you remember that, right? That first night in your apartment, you asked me to be your girlfriend and said we were going to be exclusive. To me, that means we don’t go out with anyone else. Whether that’s kissing, fucking, or just taking them on goddamn dates. You were dating Lindsey on the nights you weren’t with me. You took her out to dinner and movies, and fuck knows what else. She had feelings for you, and whether you were pretending to get what you wanted or whatever, she thought you had feelings for her.”

“You think I wanted to do that?” The look in her eyes told me she didn’t know what to think. “I was doing what I’ve been taught all my life to get my father what he needed.”

“And if that had required you fucking Lindsey? Would you have done that too?”

“No!” I bellowed then scrubbed my hands over my face as I tried to calm down. “No, I wouldn’t have fucked her. I told you, Dreamer. I didn’t touch her once you came into my life. Not even to kiss her.”

“Let’s say you never met me,” she began, and I glared down at her. “Hypothetically. You never met me, and you and Lindsey continued as you were. Would you have fucked her then?”

“I—”

She didn’t let me finish. “And say you fucked her, and you got what you wanted. What then? After your dad got his vote and you didn’t have to see Lindsey again, would you have continued to date her?”

“It didn’t happen. I met you. I fell for you,” I tried to reason.

“Just answer the question.”

“The truth?” She nodded, and I bit back a groan. “Yeah, I probably would have ended up fucking her. And since Gigi was apparently trying to set me up with her all along anyway, we probably would have dated for a while longer.”

Her face fell, and I wanted to call back everything I’d just said. She wanted the truth, but I could tell the truth had hurt her. “Thanks for your honesty,” she choked out.

“Why does it even matter?” I demanded, grabbing her elbow when she began to turn away from me. “None of that happened. I did meet you. That is what was supposed to happen all along, Amara. It was fate. I was meant to find you because you’re my other half.”

“And yet you still cheated on me.”

“She was a friend. I took her out as a friend. That isn’t cheating.”

“Have you ever looked up the definition of cheating?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Cheat. Verb. To act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage especially in a game or examination. To practice fraud or deceit.”

“Your eidetic memory isn’t remembering all the definitions, babe. If that’s the definition you want to go with, then the only person I cheated was Lindsey.” I stepped into her face and lowered my head until our noses were nearly touching. “Cheating in a relationship means engaging in any sexual contact with a non-partner.”

“You can cheat on someone emotionally. There doesn’t have to be sexual contact, jerk,” she argued, her nose flaring in irritation.

“But I wasn’t emotionally involved with her, Dreamer. If anything, I could barely tolerate her.” I skimmed my nose against hers, making her inhale sharply. “I took her out as a friend, that was it. Ask her if you don’t believe me. I didn’t even hold her hand.”

“The day my dad died, she told me you were taking her away for the weekend.”

“No, I told her I was going out of town for the weekend. The guys were going to Vegas to try to cheer Jace up, and I was going to take you with me.” I wrapped my arms around her waist, my hands sliding down to her perfect ass and pushing her lower body against mine. “Kassa and Santana were going too. Probably Roanna and the rest of the Bombshells since they can’t seem to let Ro out of their sight for more than an hour at a time. Lindsey heard what she wanted to hear. There was no fucking way I was going to take her with me when she irritated the fuck out of me.”

“Then why was she at your apartment that night?” she demanded, but her anger was losing steam.

“Because we got caught in the rain. It was pouring out, and we were soaked to the bone. She started sneezing, those dainty