Tainted Heartbreak (Tainted Knights 3)

“How did you react when you found out about Kassa being pregnant?”

He grimaced. “I found out when she was being rushed into the OR for emergency surgery. But it broke my heart, man. Finding out I was about to lose the little person we created was devastating.”

Kassa touched his arm lovingly. “Yeah, it really was. But…”

“But?” Gray and I asked in unison.

“Gray wasn’t exactly thrilled when he realized we hadn’t used protection that first night. He freaked out.” She gave me an understanding smile. “I think it’s normal for some guys to take the idea of fatherhood badly at first. Especially if they didn’t have much of a male role model growing up.”

“When Lucy told me she was pregnant, I was pretty ecstatic,” Harris said with a thoughtful look on his face. “We’d talked about kids before, so I knew I was ready to be a dad when she told me the news. But I’ll be honest, Cash. There are times when I’m terrified of the idea of being a dad. This little person we created is going to be my responsibility for the rest of her life. I’m scared shitless that I’m going to fuck that up somehow.”

“Do you want to be a dad?” Gray asked the real question I was struggling with. “I’m not asking if you’re ready, because you can prepare for that shit for years and still not be completely ready when it’s time. I’m asking if you want a kid, Cash.”

I clenched my jaw, still unable to answer that question.

My silence had all three of them nodding, but it was my bandbrother who spoke. “Being a dad isn’t for everyone. Lord knows my own piece-of-shit father never should have been one. If you don’t want the kid, then it’s better to figure that out now than further down the road.”

“But if I want to be with Amara, then I have to accept the baby too.”

“Of course, you do, dumbass,” Kassa exploded. “You can’t expect her to pick you over her own child. And only a total piece of shit would want her to.”

“You’re right,” I groaned. “I’m fucking up left and right. I want to try. I want to give Amara the world, and if that means taking on fatherhood at the same time, then so be it.”

“Good luck, man. If you need anything, just let me know,” Harris offered. “Lu and I will help any way we can.”

“Yeah, Cash. We’re behind you,” Kassa assured me. “As long as you and Amara work together on this, you’re going to be fine.”

Hours later, as I sat on my couch channel-surfing and sending one text after another to Amara—which she continued to ignore—I was still replaying everything my friends had said at lunch. Fatherhood was going to be scary, but I could do this as long as I had Amara beside me. I could take care of her and our baby and love it just as much as I loved her.

Which, I realized with such a suddenness it was like being struck by lightning, was all my dreamer was really asking of me.

To love our baby.

The more I thought about it, the more my chest swelled. I did love our baby. It was a part of the two of us—how could I not love him

or her?

Heart pounding, I lifted my phone to my ear. “You busy?” I asked Riley when she picked up.

“I’m just getting off work. Why? What’s wrong?” Concern darkened her voice. “Did you hear from Amara?”

“No. She’s still ignoring me. But I’ve been giving what you said last night some thought. You think you could come over and help me with something?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m coming now. But I expect dinner. Amara would want you to feed her best friend.”

I grinned, something I hadn’t done in weeks. Now that I had everything figured out, I felt carefree. “You got it. See you soon.”

Chapter 21

Amara

The plane touched down at LAX a little past two on a Thursday afternoon. After I’d spent just over two months alone in the backwoods with Kin Montez, she was ready to face the rest of the world. I was just thankful to finally see civilization again. To see and hear people laughing, arguing—breathing. Being shut off from the world with no one to talk to but a moody, depressed chick who was mad at the world and her ex had frazzled my nerves.

But even as I was climbing the walls, wishing for someone to talk to during the times when Kin was locked in her room writing, the time alone was good for me. It helped me put all the things that seemed impossible to sort out into perspective.

I missed Cash like crazy. Once I looked at it from all sides, I could admit to myself that I still trusted him. He loved me. Time and time again, he showed me just how much he loved me. I wanted to work things out with him; I wanted the future I could imagine us having together. And after talking to my temporary OB-GYN who I saw during my two-month imprisonment with Kin, I knew that guys tended to be terrified when confronted with fatherhood. They did and said stupid shit when told they were going to be daddies. I sure as hell hoped so, because I was putting faith in Cash being able to step up and be the father our baby needed.

Kin gripped her backpack, her knees bouncing to whatever tune was playing in her earbuds as the plane taxied to our gate. Catching me watching her, she pulled the bud from her ears. As loud as the volume was, it was a wonder she hadn’t lost the hearing in her good ear and made herself completely deaf.