Tainted Bastard (Tainted Knights 4)

“Yeah, me too,” London announced. “I want to get in an early workout in the morning anyway.” Standing, she blew me a kiss. “Night, everyone. See ya around, Sin.”

“Night,” he called as they left the room.

“I’m going to call Harris,” Peyton said, her phone already pressed to her ear.

My heart started racing as I realized what they were doing, and I glanced at Aubree. My best friend lifted her brows at me, silently asking me if I wanted her to follow the other three to bed or if I needed her to stay. Sin’s hold on my fingers moved to swallow my entire hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, and I knew what my answer was.

“Night, Aubree,” I told her and felt my cheeks fill with heat.

She smiled as she stood. “Don’t stay up too late, babe,” she advised, passing me. “Night, Sin.”

Now that we were alone together, I suddenly didn’t know what to do next. Shyly, I smiled at him. “Want a beer?”

He shook his head. “Nah, sweet girl. I’m good.”

“Feel up to watching another movie? We have Netflix and Hulu, so the options are infinite.” My face felt like it was on fire.

“I should probably get going,” he murmured, but he didn’t look like he wanted to leave yet. “I have work tomorrow afternoon and have to hit the gym with Gray and Kale before.”

“Oh,” I whispered, disappointed he was going to leave. “Okay.”

I liked having him there with me, liked how just sitting beside him made me feel safe. I’d never felt that way with a guy before. Every guy who got close usually reminded me of Sicko Stan in some way, and then the past would drop on me like a ton of bricks, making it impossible to see anything but the memories that were just below the surface at any given minute of the day.

“Whose song was that you were singing tonight?” he asked out of the blue. “I’ve never heard it before, but you mostly do cover songs.”

I shivered, everything from earlier in the evening flooding back in, but I tried to push those thoughts away, wanting to enjoy what little time I still had with him. “Kin gave it to us. She wrote it, and I guess she thought it would work better for

a female voice. Did you like it?”

“It had me all twisted up, just like it did everyone else. I actually went to the green room to wait on you before I realized something was going on that was delaying you.” He scowled, his thumb pressing into my hand roughly for a few seconds before relaxing. “Maybe you shouldn’t sing that song again for a while.”

“I didn’t want to sing it in the first place, but it’s a great song. I didn’t want to let Kin down by not singing it at least once.”

“That panic attack you had earlier, does that happen a lot?”

It was my turn to scowl—at my own inadequacies and mental health issues. Embarrassment had me pulling my hand from his. “Enough that my friends carry around chocolate and booze to fix me up when it happens.”

“Roanna, I wasn’t asking to make fun of you,” he tried to assure me.

“I know.” I forced a smile, reaching for my bottle of water so I could hide my eyes from him, wanting so badly to be normal.

“Is there a reason you have panic attacks? Did something happen to make you—”

I tossed back my weighted blanket. “Maybe you sh-should go,” I stuttered, not wanting to have this conversation. He held my hand, made me feel safe, but that didn’t entitle him to be privy to my worst memories, the reasons I couldn’t stand too much human contact, why everything and everyone were the enemy until they could prove to me that I was safe with them.

Before I could stand, he caught my wrist in a firm yet gentle hold, keeping me in place. “When I was fifteen, my stepmother decided my father wasn’t doing it for her anymore, and when I got home from school, she walked into the bathroom while I was taking a shower.”

My breath suddenly felt trapped in my lungs, and all I could do was sit there and look at him with knowing eyes.

His thumb brushed over my stampeding pulse, his jaw clenched as he hesitated for a minute before finally continuing. “Her hands were on me before I even knew what was going on. I couldn’t get her off me, and my body responded without my permission. She…” He blew out a harsh breath and shook his head. “That was my first time, and she stole it from me. For the next few weeks, she kept taking it from me too, and I didn’t know how to stop it. Didn’t know if I wanted to stop it because it felt good. I hated her, though. Always had, because she ruined my parents’ marriage. But she was hot, and she knew how to make me want her.”

“Sin,” I whispered, unsure what to say but knowing he needed me to say something. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not telling you this because I expect you to tell me what happened to you. Fuck,” he groaned, scrubbing his free hand over his face. “I’ve never actually told anyone about it until tonight. Not even Gray or Kale know… But I saw something in your eyes earlier, and I recognized it because it lives inside of me too, sweet girl.”

“I…I can’t,” I choked out. “I can’t talk about…that. But, yes, I know what it’s like to…to…have something stolen from you.”

His fingers tightened around my flesh, and he lifted my hand. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anything. I just wanted you to know I understand. You don’t have to be scared if I’m there to protect you, Roanna.”