Lost & Found (Lost & Found 1)

“I wear contacts,” I said as he continued to examine my eyes with an intensity I felt was about to make me combust.

“Oh, are you near or farsighted?”

“Neither.”

“Then why do you wear contacts?”

“They’re color contacts,” I said, wondering why Jesse had to be so observant. Of course I would be attracted to the one guy in the world so observant he probably remembered the color of the shirt I wore yesterday.

“But your eyes were so dark before. I couldn’t tell if they were dark brown or black.”

My shoulders rolled forward. I’d never had to explain it before. The few people who knew the actual color of my eyes didn’t ask why I wore dark color contacts; it just sort of made sense with the rest of me. “I like dark,” I said, wrapping the comforter tighter around me.

“I’ve noticed.” He hitched a leg up onto the bed and twisted to face me. Could someone, please, for the love of God, find the man a shirt? The whole encounter couldn’t be healthy for a girl’s heart. “It seems that preference for dark, or . . . black applies to your taste in guys, too.” Jesse tried to mask it, but the bitter note in his voice was obvious. “I’m hoping after tonight and what that guy did and said, you’ll change your mind.”

Just like that, I was reminded of a rather large something standing between Jesse and me. Someone who kept me from running my hands and lips all over him the way I wanted to.

“And I hope you’ll change your mind the next time you come talk all sweet and make flirty looks at me when your girlfriend’s a few rows behind us.” I’d never been very good at censoring myself, and that wasn’t the moment to change.

“Ah, perfect segue,” he said, looking . . . was that . . . relief?

“Perfect segue? Come again?”

“Josie isn’t my girlfriend.”

“Jesse?” I made a face. “I think you’re mistaking me for one of those girls cool with believing whatever you tell her.”

He smirked at me. “It’s the truth. Josie and I aren’t together.”

“Does she know that?” I asked. I knew what smitten looked like, and Josie had it just as bad, if not worse, as me.

“Yes.” He nodded so strongly his mess of hair fell over his forehead. “We broke up over six months ago.”

Wow. That was a serious case of WTF whiplash. “Wait.” I lifted my hands up. “You and Josie aren’t together anymore?”

“Isn’t that what I’ve been saying?”

I lifted an eyebrow and waited.

“No,” he said. “I am not with Josie. She is not with me. I’m not seeing anyone.”

How had I been so convinced otherwise then? Oh, yeah. “Then why did Garth . . ?”

“Because Garth likes to create controversy everywhere he goes,” Jesse said, his jaw tightening.

Create controversy everywhere he goes . . . yep, that pretty much hit the Garth nail on the head.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried. And I tried. And I tried again. You wouldn’t let me.” He stared at me pointedly. “You remember any of that?”

I bit my lip and felt two inches tall. “Maybe a little bit.”

Jesse laughed and nudged my leg with his. His bare skin against my bare skin. I almost shuddered.

“How long were you two together?” I asked.

“Just over two years.”

“Why did you break up?” Even a possible reason was beyond me. The kind of girl Josie was matched the kind of guy Jesse was spot on.

Jesse stayed silent for a few seconds, playing with the corner of the quilt, then cleared his throat. “We just couldn’t be together anymore.”

How wonderfully detailed. “Anything else you want to add? Maybe the actual reason you couldn’t be together anymore?” I was prying, I knew that, but I didn’t back off. When it came to Jesse and Josie, I wanted that whole relationship tied up in a neat little bow.

“That’s not really my story to tell,” he said, shifting on the bed. “I promised Josie I’d never tell anybody, so the only way you’d be able to find out is from her.”

I recognized that flash of pain on his face. Betrayal.

“She broke your trust.” I felt a strange sense of protectiveness for Jesse. Josie had hurt him, betrayed him, and Jesse was the one person in the world I could say with absolute certainty didn’t deserve it.

“Well, yeah,” he said. Meeting my eyes seemed to be difficult for him suddenly. “But that wasn’t the main reason we broke up.” My nose wrinkled. That seemed like the “main” reason to end any relationship. Trust was a deal breaker. I should know. It had ruined every one of my relationships singlehandedly.

Jesse continued, “Everyone talks about how important trust is, and even though I agree, I’m not going to cut someone loose because they break my trust.” Just the fact he could say that meant people hadn’t broken his trust all that often. “We’re all going to break a person’s trust. That’s inevitable. As long as it doesn’t become a habit, I can forgive someone on a trust issue.” Jesse paused and looked as defeated as I imagined he could look. “I just couldn’t move past what happened. I knew I never would be able to, so it ended.”

I wanted to reach out and remove the pain I saw so clearly on his face, but I didn’t know how. So I scooted closer and hesitantly placed my hand over his. His skin was warm, and almost immediately, Jesse’s shoulders relaxed.

“Are you glad it ended?” I asked.

“I wasn’t. Not for a while. Josie and I’d been together for a long time. She knew things about me no one else knew, and I knew things about her no one knew, but now I’m better with it.”

“Why’s that?” My hand took on some of his heat. I felt it going deep and spreading up my arm.

“I took it one day at a time until I could move on,” Jesse replied, then he smiled down at the blankets. “And then I met this other girl.”

Knife through the heart. So that’s what it felt like.

“Another girl is always the cure for a guy to get over another girl,” I said, working to keep my voice level. “They say that after a break up, a woman mourns and a man moves on. Looks like they are right.”

The corners of his mouth twitched. Amusement? Irritation? “Josie and I broke up six months ago, and I haven’t been on a single date since. I wouldn’t consider that a rebound move-on.”

“So why haven’t you gone out with said ‘this other girl’? Because you and I both know based on your looks alone, you could land any girl you want.” I said, taking another good look at his “looks”. Almost painful so close up. “That’s not even taking your personality into account.” Because really, as good looking as Jesse was, his personality was just as attractive.

“Wait. Did you just say you think I’m hot? On the outside and the inside?” When he looked up at me, I could better make out that expression. Amusement.

That’s why I didn’t just lay it all out there. Because people could respond to my gut spilling with amusement.

I moved my hand from Jesse’s. “I’m not going to answer that until you answer my question. Why haven’t you asked her out?”

“I’ve tried, but she’s kind of dodged the idea,” he said, cracking his neck. “She’s been avoiding me.”

“You had the attention of every female in attendance tonight, and you expect me to believe this girl is avoiding you?” I said, letting my sarcasm loose. “Who would avoid you?”

When Jesse’s eyes slid back to mine, with a look in them that would have dropped me if I hadn’t been sitting, I knew. And then I realized how dense I was at times.

“Don’t answer that,” I said, unsure if I should scoot closer or as far away from him as I could. I was torn. Half of me wanted to follow that desire I had for him, and the other half wanted me to stay away from him because I knew I’d eventually do what I did best and make a huge mess of things.

“Why not?” he said, making the decision for me and scooting closer. “Why don’t you want to know that I like you, Rowen? Why don’t you want me to tell you I’m so damn attracted to you, I almost don’t trust myself to be alone with you like we are right now? Why don’t you want to know that I care about you so much, I wanted to rip Garth Black’s throat out tonight for saying those things?” Jesse paused just long enough to take a breath. “Why?”

I wasn’t living my life right now. This wasn’t Rowen Sterling’s life. Guys like Jesse didn’t say those kinds of things to me. They didn’t look at me the way he was now. No guy said or felt those kinds of things for me, because I wasn’t the kind of girl who deserved to be adored. Or cherished. Or whatever it was that Jesse was expressing.

I wanted to be that girl that deserved the way he was looking at me. I wanted to be that girl that deserved him . . . but I wasn’t that girl. Not yet. Maybe never. I wasn’t sure. Willow Springs brought something out in me, almost like it was drawing out the poison inside of me and filling in the empty places with purpose. It was too early to be sure, but something was happening. Something big.

I couldn’t look away from him even when I tried. “Jesse, why do you like me?” It made no sense to me. None at all.

His hand settled along my jawline. Slowly lifting my head until I looked straight at him, his eyes blazed. “Why do you think I shouldn’t?”

That question rocked my world. Or upended it, more accurately. I had the first part of the answer to his question: I didn’t deserve him. But the second part, the why I didn’t deserve him, I came up empty on. Since I knew he was waiting for an answer, I’d just have to give him the best one I had.

“For a whole bunch of reasons—”

“That aren’t valid,” he interrupted, shaking his head.

“They’re valid to me,” I shot back, knowing I needed to put some space between us. So what did I do? I pressed my cheek harder into his large hand.

“They aren’t to me, and if you don’t mind picking this conversation up later on, there’s something I’ve really been wanting to do.” His voice went lower, even a bit rougher.

“What’s that?” I asked needlessly. What he wanted to do was pretty obvious from the desire in his eyes as he studied my mouth.

Jesse scooted closer. So close, more of my body touched some part of his than didn’t. His hand framing my face slid back around to my neck. His thumb skimmed the skin just under the collar of my shirt, causing my skin to erupt in goosebumps. Jesse’s touch was powerful stuff, I’d known that from the first day I’d shook hands with him, but having his hands touch and caress me in gentle, intimate ways made the power of his touch difficult to bear.

His other hand went to the small of my back right before his head tilted and he closed the last few inches of space between us. A smile was still on his lips when his mouth pressed into mine. It was so damn tender and gentle, I would have turned into a pile of mush if I was capable of it. Then, as quickly as it had dropped to mine, his mouth drifted away.

o;I wear contacts,” I said as he continued to examine my eyes with an intensity I felt was about to make me combust.

“Oh, are you near or farsighted?”

“Neither.”

“Then why do you wear contacts?”

“They’re color contacts,” I said, wondering why Jesse had to be so observant. Of course I would be attracted to the one guy in the world so observant he probably remembered the color of the shirt I wore yesterday.

“But your eyes were so dark before. I couldn’t tell if they were dark brown or black.”

My shoulders rolled forward. I’d never had to explain it before. The few people who knew the actual color of my eyes didn’t ask why I wore dark color contacts; it just sort of made sense with the rest of me. “I like dark,” I said, wrapping the comforter tighter around me.

“I’ve noticed.” He hitched a leg up onto the bed and twisted to face me. Could someone, please, for the love of God, find the man a shirt? The whole encounter couldn’t be healthy for a girl’s heart. “It seems that preference for dark, or . . . black applies to your taste in guys, too.” Jesse tried to mask it, but the bitter note in his voice was obvious. “I’m hoping after tonight and what that guy did and said, you’ll change your mind.”

Just like that, I was reminded of a rather large something standing between Jesse and me. Someone who kept me from running my hands and lips all over him the way I wanted to.

“And I hope you’ll change your mind the next time you come talk all sweet and make flirty looks at me when your girlfriend’s a few rows behind us.” I’d never been very good at censoring myself, and that wasn’t the moment to change.

“Ah, perfect segue,” he said, looking . . . was that . . . relief?

“Perfect segue? Come again?”

“Josie isn’t my girlfriend.”

“Jesse?” I made a face. “I think you’re mistaking me for one of those girls cool with believing whatever you tell her.”

He smirked at me. “It’s the truth. Josie and I aren’t together.”

“Does she know that?” I asked. I knew what smitten looked like, and Josie had it just as bad, if not worse, as me.

“Yes.” He nodded so strongly his mess of hair fell over his forehead. “We broke up over six months ago.”

Wow. That was a serious case of WTF whiplash. “Wait.” I lifted my hands up. “You and Josie aren’t together anymore?”

“Isn’t that what I’ve been saying?”

I lifted an eyebrow and waited.

“No,” he said. “I am not with Josie. She is not with me. I’m not seeing anyone.”

How had I been so convinced otherwise then? Oh, yeah. “Then why did Garth . . ?”

“Because Garth likes to create controversy everywhere he goes,” Jesse said, his jaw tightening.

Create controversy everywhere he goes . . . yep, that pretty much hit the Garth nail on the head.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried. And I tried. And I tried again. You wouldn’t let me.” He stared at me pointedly. “You remember any of that?”

I bit my lip and felt two inches tall. “Maybe a little bit.”

Jesse laughed and nudged my leg with his. His bare skin against my bare skin. I almost shuddered.

“How long were you two together?” I asked.

“Just over two years.”

“Why did you break up?” Even a possible reason was beyond me. The kind of girl Josie was matched the kind of guy Jesse was spot on.

Jesse stayed silent for a few seconds, playing with the corner of the quilt, then cleared his throat. “We just couldn’t be together anymore.”

How wonderfully detailed. “Anything else you want to add? Maybe the actual reason you couldn’t be together anymore?” I was prying, I knew that, but I didn’t back off. When it came to Jesse and Josie, I wanted that whole relationship tied up in a neat little bow.

“That’s not really my story to tell,” he said, shifting on the bed. “I promised Josie I’d never tell anybody, so the only way you’d be able to find out is from her.”

I recognized that flash of pain on his face. Betrayal.

“She broke your trust.” I felt a strange sense of protectiveness for Jesse. Josie had hurt him, betrayed him, and Jesse was the one person in the world I could say with absolute certainty didn’t deserve it.

“Well, yeah,” he said. Meeting my eyes seemed to be difficult for him suddenly. “But that wasn’t the main reason we broke up.” My nose wrinkled. That seemed like the “main” reason to end any relationship. Trust was a deal breaker. I should know. It had ruined every one of my relationships singlehandedly.

Jesse continued, “Everyone talks about how important trust is, and even though I agree, I’m not going to cut someone loose because they break my trust.” Just the fact he could say that meant people hadn’t broken his trust all that often. “We’re all going to break a person’s trust. That’s inevitable. As long as it doesn’t become a habit, I can forgive someone on a trust issue.” Jesse paused and looked as defeated as I imagined he could look. “I just couldn’t move past what happened. I knew I never would be able to, so it ended.”

I wanted to reach out and remove the pain I saw so clearly on his face, but I didn’t know how. So I scooted closer and hesitantly placed my hand over his. His skin was warm, and almost immediately, Jesse’s shoulders relaxed.

“Are you glad it ended?” I asked.

“I wasn’t. Not for a while. Josie and I’d been together for a long time. She knew things about me no one else knew, and I knew things about her no one knew, but now I’m better with it.”

“Why’s that?” My hand took on some of his heat. I felt it going deep and spreading up my arm.

“I took it one day at a time until I could move on,” Jesse replied, then he smiled down at the blankets. “And then I met this other girl.”

Knife through the heart. So that’s what it felt like.

“Another girl is always the cure for a guy to get over another girl,” I said, working to keep my voice level. “They say that after a break up, a woman mourns and a man moves on. Looks like they are right.”

The corners of his mouth twitched. Amusement? Irritation? “Josie and I broke up six months ago, and I haven’t been on a single date since. I wouldn’t consider that a rebound move-on.”

“So why haven’t you gone out with said ‘this other girl’? Because you and I both know based on your looks alone, you could land any girl you want.” I said, taking another good look at his “looks”. Almost painful so close up. “That’s not even taking your personality into account.” Because really, as good looking as Jesse was, his personality was just as attractive.

“Wait. Did you just say you think I’m hot? On the outside and the inside?” When he looked up at me, I could better make out that expression. Amusement.

That’s why I didn’t just lay it all out there. Because people could respond to my gut spilling with amusement.

I moved my hand from Jesse’s. “I’m not going to answer that until you answer my question. Why haven’t you asked her out?”

“I’ve tried, but she’s kind of dodged the idea,” he said, cracking his neck. “She’s been avoiding me.”

“You had the attention of every female in attendance tonight, and you expect me to believe this girl is avoiding you?” I said, letting my sarcasm loose. “Who would avoid you?”

When Jesse’s eyes slid back to mine, with a look in them that would have dropped me if I hadn’t been sitting, I knew. And then I realized how dense I was at times.

“Don’t answer that,” I said, unsure if I should scoot closer or as far away from him as I could. I was torn. Half of me wanted to follow that desire I had for him, and the other half wanted me to stay away from him because I knew I’d eventually do what I did best and make a huge mess of things.

“Why not?” he said, making the decision for me and scooting closer. “Why don’t you want to know that I like you, Rowen? Why don’t you want me to tell you I’m so damn attracted to you, I almost don’t trust myself to be alone with you like we are right now? Why don’t you want to know that I care about you so much, I wanted to rip Garth Black’s throat out tonight for saying those things?” Jesse paused just long enough to take a breath. “Why?”

I wasn’t living my life right now. This wasn’t Rowen Sterling’s life. Guys like Jesse didn’t say those kinds of things to me. They didn’t look at me the way he was now. No guy said or felt those kinds of things for me, because I wasn’t the kind of girl who deserved to be adored. Or cherished. Or whatever it was that Jesse was expressing.

I wanted to be that girl that deserved the way he was looking at me. I wanted to be that girl that deserved him . . . but I wasn’t that girl. Not yet. Maybe never. I wasn’t sure. Willow Springs brought something out in me, almost like it was drawing out the poison inside of me and filling in the empty places with purpose. It was too early to be sure, but something was happening. Something big.

I couldn’t look away from him even when I tried. “Jesse, why do you like me?” It made no sense to me. None at all.

His hand settled along my jawline. Slowly lifting my head until I looked straight at him, his eyes blazed. “Why do you think I shouldn’t?”

That question rocked my world. Or upended it, more accurately. I had the first part of the answer to his question: I didn’t deserve him. But the second part, the why I didn’t deserve him, I came up empty on. Since I knew he was waiting for an answer, I’d just have to give him the best one I had.

“For a whole bunch of reasons—”

“That aren’t valid,” he interrupted, shaking his head.

“They’re valid to me,” I shot back, knowing I needed to put some space between us. So what did I do? I pressed my cheek harder into his large hand.

“They aren’t to me, and if you don’t mind picking this conversation up later on, there’s something I’ve really been wanting to do.” His voice went lower, even a bit rougher.

“What’s that?” I asked needlessly. What he wanted to do was pretty obvious from the desire in his eyes as he studied my mouth.

Jesse scooted closer. So close, more of my body touched some part of his than didn’t. His hand framing my face slid back around to my neck. His thumb skimmed the skin just under the collar of my shirt, causing my skin to erupt in goosebumps. Jesse’s touch was powerful stuff, I’d known that from the first day I’d shook hands with him, but having his hands touch and caress me in gentle, intimate ways made the power of his touch difficult to bear.

His other hand went to the small of my back right before his head tilted and he closed the last few inches of space between us. A smile was still on his lips when his mouth pressed into mine. It was so damn tender and gentle, I would have turned into a pile of mush if I was capable of it. Then, as quickly as it had dropped to mine, his mouth drifted away.