Near and Far (Lost & Found 2)

He lifted his finger again, opening his eyes. I waved my hand and let him proceed. He had a lot to say, and after weeks of having next to nothing to say, I wasn’t going to stop him.

“I realized that our past never leaves us. We might think we’ve left it behind, but that’s when it sneaks up and beats the hell out of you. Our past is always a part of us. The key is to accept it, acknowledge it from time to time, pay the piper, and get on with your life.”

I lifted my hand to his cheek. “You’re talking like a philosopher again. You really are back.”

His hand came up to cover mine as he crept closer to me. It was the first movement he’d made my way in a long time. It was the first time he hadn’t backed away when I’d approached him. It was a little movement that felt like one giant leap. “I just lost myself for a little while,” he said softly. “I’m okay now. I’m coming back. I beat this once. And now twice. I don’t want my fear of it happening to be the reason I lose you.”

He’d never lose me. I was certain of few things in life, but that was one of them. “Fixed. Broken,” I said, lifting a shoulder. “I’ll love you either way. Just the way you love me.”

When Jesse exhaled, it looked like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. When his eyes met mine, his whole expression changed. It was an expression I was familiar with. One that made my stomach bottom out. “Would it be okay if I kissed you now?”

Tipping his hat back, I draped my arms around his neck. “You’d better kiss me now. You’ve got some serious making up to do.”

He moved closer and pressed his forehead into mine before slowly tilting his head until our lips touched. He closed the last bit of space separating us, cinched his arms around me, and kissed me. Not as the man he’d been or the man he hoped one day he’d be but as the man he was. Right there, on his knees in front of me. He kissed me like it was what he’d been born to do, and somehow, I managed to keep up and do the same. If I’d been born to do nothing but practice and perfect the art of kissing Jesse Walker, it wouldn’t have been a wasted life. But there was still so much more. So much in store for me and him . . . and us. We’d visited the dark places of our pasts together and had come through on the other side together. Not unscathed, and not as if nothing had happened, but we were together.

When Jesse’s mouth left mine, I saw the smile that was all Jesse, the one I hadn’t seen in so long. I knew that no matter what came at us, good or bad, we’d always figure out a way to weather it together. Smooth sailing and easy breezy wasn’t our destiny. But we had one, and for me, that was enough.

“Since you’ve finally admitted that I’m your wingman, the one to help you up when you’re down, dry your tears, and give you a swift kick in the butt when you need it”—I winked at him—“mind telling me what happened for you to go into an emotional nose dive? You know, just so I can be on the look out next time.” I wasn’t sure if humor was the best way to approach it, but I figured it couldn’t have been the worst way.

Jesse stood up, grabbed my hands, and pulled me up with him. “It started with the nightmares, I guess. That’s what first shook me. Then when I realized I’d lost something I’d carried around for years, that shook me some more. Really, it was a bunch of small things that added up to something big. Something too big, obviously.”

My eyebrows came together. “What have you been carrying around with you? What did you lose?” To my knowledge, Jesse’d never carried around a lucky charm or a worry stone or something of the sort.

“It wasn’t anything big or fancy. It was just this little, white—”

“Button.” I pulled it out of my pocket and held it out.

Jesse’s forehead wrinkled as he examined it. “Yeah . . . that’s it. How did it . . ? How did you . . .?” Biting the inside of his cheek, he looked away from it. “Where did you find it?”

“In one of my old steel-toed boots. I just found it the other day. How long have you been missing it?”

“A couple of months.”

I turned the button over in my hand. “What’s the story? I know there must be a pretty big one.”

Jesse cracked his neck and worked to unlock his jaw. “I found that a long time ago. Before I came to live with the Walkers.”

“This is from when you were still with . . . with . . . them?”

Jesse nodded. “It was down in one of the old drain traps in the basement. It took me forever to work the screw out, but I had to have it, and at least it gave me something to do. Something to work toward.” Jesse went somewhere else for the briefest moment before his eyes cleared and he came back. “Once I had it, I guarded it like you wouldn’t believe. At that point, I probably would have given my life to keep it protected and out of their reach.”

“Why?” I asked, grabbing his hand. I wanted to understand, but I didn’t understand how one button could be so important to a little boy.

“It was the only thing I could call my own. It was the only thing I had that they hadn’t given to me. It was something special . . . sacred. It’s the only thing I have of my life before Willow Springs, and I’ve kept it with me for years not as a reminder of the life I’d lived, but as a promise of the life I’ll never have to live again. A promise of moving on and having a better life. A promise of people to love and to love me.” Jesse rubbed the back of his neck. “Now that I just said that all out loud, it seems kind of silly.”

“Not silly, Jesse. Not silly at all. Maybe a little sad, but I get it. I totally get it.”

“So once this thing I’d loved in my former life left me . . . I was afraid of something I loved in my new life leaving me. I was afraid of losing you, Rowen, and the thing about fear and panic and possession is that they turn a person into exactly the person they were scared of becoming. I was afraid of losing you, but my fear of that was what ultimately drove you away.”

I shook my head, stunned. Stunned at the conversation, at the meaning behind the button, at the whole past couple of months. “I bet you’re happy to have this back then.” I held it out for him and waited.

And waited.

He studied my hand, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he concentrated, and then his expression cleared. “Why don’t you put it back in those old boots of yours? I think they’d make good companions. I don’t need it anymore to remind me of the life I want to live.” Jesse wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. “I’ve got you to remind me of that now.”

“You know that whole lot of making up I was saying you owed me?” I asked, grinning up at him. “You’re making a lot of progress in that department. A lot of progress.”

“Good to know.”

“Plus you earned yourself some mega brownie points with that picture I have hanging on my bedroom wall right now.”

Jesse’s mouth lifted. “There was just something about that picture that reminded me of you. I had to get it for you.”

“Despite the thousands of dollars I don’t even want to know you spent on it,” I mumbled.

“Money wasn’t an object.”

“Says the guy with no money left in his checking account . . .”

“The guy with no truck and, like you said, no money in his checking account to pay for a new one anytime soon.”

Light bulb moment. “Is that so?” I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the parking lot.

“Rowen? Where are you dragging me? Not that I really care, but am I going to need a change of clothes or anything?”

“Nope. I’ll take care of your clothes later. Or at least I’ll take care of removing your clothes later.” I glanced back and winked at him. “But since you got me a present, it’s only right that I got you one too. Right?”

“I don’t think that’s the way it works.”

“Well, it’s the way it’s working right now.” Coming around a large pickup, I stopped, grabbed Jesse’s shoulders, and turned him ninety degrees.

“Rowen,” he said in a rare speechless moment. “How did you . . ?”

“I had it towed here.” I shouldered up beside Jesse as he continued to stare without blinking at Old Bessie.

“You had it towed here? From North Idaho?” He tore his eyes away from his truck long enough to gape at me.

“I knew a guy who knew a guy,” I answered with a dismissive wave.

“You knew a guy who knew a guy who was willing to tow a broken down, ancient truck to Seattle?”

“Yep. And then the guy I knew knew another guy who . . .” I ran to open the driver’s door, searched for the keys I’d stuffed beneath the seat, and cranked on the engine.

Jesse’s eyes went even wider. “It’s running?” He moved toward the hood. “Wait. Old Bessie’s never ran that good. At least not since I’ve owned her.” Unlatching the hood, he lifted it as I came around the front to join him.

Jesse was totally speechless. It was a side of him I hadn’t seen much. I’d gotten to know a lot of sides of him I’d never seen before the past couple of months. And you know what?

I loved every single one.

“See? Knowing a guy who knows a guy has its benefits.” I nudged him as we admired the shiny new engine and under-the-hood parts as I knowledgeably called them. The guy I’d known was Sid, and the guy he knew was his younger brother. He was a major gear-head who basically just charged me for the parts and a little bit of labor. I’d just gotten Old Bessie back and was planning on delivering it to Jesse when the moment was right.

The moment couldn’t have been more right.

“I need to know more of the people you know,” he said, still gaping at his truck.

“When he asked if I wanted him to clean up the exterior, I told him that I didn’t mind a little mess on the outside, as long as the important stuff’s in good working order.” I wrapped my arm around him and couldn’t stop smiling at that truck I’d hated at first sight, but I had grown to love. The inside, the outside, all sides of it.

“Thank you, Rowen. I don’t know if you understand how much this means to me, but . . .”

“I think I do. I think I have a very good idea what it means to you.”

Giving his head a shake, his expression changed. “Hey, do you think the apartment manager would mind if it stayed here a while?”

“I don’t think he’d even notice. But why? How long are you planning on staying?”

Jesse moved in front of me. “How long do you want me to stay?”

“Forever,” I said instantly. It might have been a selfish answer, but it was the honest one.

“That’s kind of what I had in mind, too.” When his hand dug into his pocket, I was clueless. When his hand came out, whatever was inside of it was too small to be seen. I was still clueless. But when he dropped back down onto both of his knees and held out that gold ring, I had a rush of clarity.

fted his finger again, opening his eyes. I waved my hand and let him proceed. He had a lot to say, and after weeks of having next to nothing to say, I wasn’t going to stop him.

“I realized that our past never leaves us. We might think we’ve left it behind, but that’s when it sneaks up and beats the hell out of you. Our past is always a part of us. The key is to accept it, acknowledge it from time to time, pay the piper, and get on with your life.”

I lifted my hand to his cheek. “You’re talking like a philosopher again. You really are back.”

His hand came up to cover mine as he crept closer to me. It was the first movement he’d made my way in a long time. It was the first time he hadn’t backed away when I’d approached him. It was a little movement that felt like one giant leap. “I just lost myself for a little while,” he said softly. “I’m okay now. I’m coming back. I beat this once. And now twice. I don’t want my fear of it happening to be the reason I lose you.”

He’d never lose me. I was certain of few things in life, but that was one of them. “Fixed. Broken,” I said, lifting a shoulder. “I’ll love you either way. Just the way you love me.”

When Jesse exhaled, it looked like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. When his eyes met mine, his whole expression changed. It was an expression I was familiar with. One that made my stomach bottom out. “Would it be okay if I kissed you now?”

Tipping his hat back, I draped my arms around his neck. “You’d better kiss me now. You’ve got some serious making up to do.”

He moved closer and pressed his forehead into mine before slowly tilting his head until our lips touched. He closed the last bit of space separating us, cinched his arms around me, and kissed me. Not as the man he’d been or the man he hoped one day he’d be but as the man he was. Right there, on his knees in front of me. He kissed me like it was what he’d been born to do, and somehow, I managed to keep up and do the same. If I’d been born to do nothing but practice and perfect the art of kissing Jesse Walker, it wouldn’t have been a wasted life. But there was still so much more. So much in store for me and him . . . and us. We’d visited the dark places of our pasts together and had come through on the other side together. Not unscathed, and not as if nothing had happened, but we were together.

When Jesse’s mouth left mine, I saw the smile that was all Jesse, the one I hadn’t seen in so long. I knew that no matter what came at us, good or bad, we’d always figure out a way to weather it together. Smooth sailing and easy breezy wasn’t our destiny. But we had one, and for me, that was enough.

“Since you’ve finally admitted that I’m your wingman, the one to help you up when you’re down, dry your tears, and give you a swift kick in the butt when you need it”—I winked at him—“mind telling me what happened for you to go into an emotional nose dive? You know, just so I can be on the look out next time.” I wasn’t sure if humor was the best way to approach it, but I figured it couldn’t have been the worst way.

Jesse stood up, grabbed my hands, and pulled me up with him. “It started with the nightmares, I guess. That’s what first shook me. Then when I realized I’d lost something I’d carried around for years, that shook me some more. Really, it was a bunch of small things that added up to something big. Something too big, obviously.”

My eyebrows came together. “What have you been carrying around with you? What did you lose?” To my knowledge, Jesse’d never carried around a lucky charm or a worry stone or something of the sort.

“It wasn’t anything big or fancy. It was just this little, white—”

“Button.” I pulled it out of my pocket and held it out.

Jesse’s forehead wrinkled as he examined it. “Yeah . . . that’s it. How did it . . ? How did you . . .?” Biting the inside of his cheek, he looked away from it. “Where did you find it?”

“In one of my old steel-toed boots. I just found it the other day. How long have you been missing it?”

“A couple of months.”

I turned the button over in my hand. “What’s the story? I know there must be a pretty big one.”

Jesse cracked his neck and worked to unlock his jaw. “I found that a long time ago. Before I came to live with the Walkers.”

“This is from when you were still with . . . with . . . them?”

Jesse nodded. “It was down in one of the old drain traps in the basement. It took me forever to work the screw out, but I had to have it, and at least it gave me something to do. Something to work toward.” Jesse went somewhere else for the briefest moment before his eyes cleared and he came back. “Once I had it, I guarded it like you wouldn’t believe. At that point, I probably would have given my life to keep it protected and out of their reach.”

“Why?” I asked, grabbing his hand. I wanted to understand, but I didn’t understand how one button could be so important to a little boy.

“It was the only thing I could call my own. It was the only thing I had that they hadn’t given to me. It was something special . . . sacred. It’s the only thing I have of my life before Willow Springs, and I’ve kept it with me for years not as a reminder of the life I’d lived, but as a promise of the life I’ll never have to live again. A promise of moving on and having a better life. A promise of people to love and to love me.” Jesse rubbed the back of his neck. “Now that I just said that all out loud, it seems kind of silly.”

“Not silly, Jesse. Not silly at all. Maybe a little sad, but I get it. I totally get it.”

“So once this thing I’d loved in my former life left me . . . I was afraid of something I loved in my new life leaving me. I was afraid of losing you, Rowen, and the thing about fear and panic and possession is that they turn a person into exactly the person they were scared of becoming. I was afraid of losing you, but my fear of that was what ultimately drove you away.”

I shook my head, stunned. Stunned at the conversation, at the meaning behind the button, at the whole past couple of months. “I bet you’re happy to have this back then.” I held it out for him and waited.

And waited.

He studied my hand, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he concentrated, and then his expression cleared. “Why don’t you put it back in those old boots of yours? I think they’d make good companions. I don’t need it anymore to remind me of the life I want to live.” Jesse wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. “I’ve got you to remind me of that now.”

“You know that whole lot of making up I was saying you owed me?” I asked, grinning up at him. “You’re making a lot of progress in that department. A lot of progress.”

“Good to know.”

“Plus you earned yourself some mega brownie points with that picture I have hanging on my bedroom wall right now.”

Jesse’s mouth lifted. “There was just something about that picture that reminded me of you. I had to get it for you.”

“Despite the thousands of dollars I don’t even want to know you spent on it,” I mumbled.

“Money wasn’t an object.”

“Says the guy with no money left in his checking account . . .”

“The guy with no truck and, like you said, no money in his checking account to pay for a new one anytime soon.”

Light bulb moment. “Is that so?” I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the parking lot.

“Rowen? Where are you dragging me? Not that I really care, but am I going to need a change of clothes or anything?”

“Nope. I’ll take care of your clothes later. Or at least I’ll take care of removing your clothes later.” I glanced back and winked at him. “But since you got me a present, it’s only right that I got you one too. Right?”

“I don’t think that’s the way it works.”

“Well, it’s the way it’s working right now.” Coming around a large pickup, I stopped, grabbed Jesse’s shoulders, and turned him ninety degrees.

“Rowen,” he said in a rare speechless moment. “How did you . . ?”

“I had it towed here.” I shouldered up beside Jesse as he continued to stare without blinking at Old Bessie.

“You had it towed here? From North Idaho?” He tore his eyes away from his truck long enough to gape at me.

“I knew a guy who knew a guy,” I answered with a dismissive wave.

“You knew a guy who knew a guy who was willing to tow a broken down, ancient truck to Seattle?”

“Yep. And then the guy I knew knew another guy who . . .” I ran to open the driver’s door, searched for the keys I’d stuffed beneath the seat, and cranked on the engine.

Jesse’s eyes went even wider. “It’s running?” He moved toward the hood. “Wait. Old Bessie’s never ran that good. At least not since I’ve owned her.” Unlatching the hood, he lifted it as I came around the front to join him.

Jesse was totally speechless. It was a side of him I hadn’t seen much. I’d gotten to know a lot of sides of him I’d never seen before the past couple of months. And you know what?

I loved every single one.

“See? Knowing a guy who knows a guy has its benefits.” I nudged him as we admired the shiny new engine and under-the-hood parts as I knowledgeably called them. The guy I’d known was Sid, and the guy he knew was his younger brother. He was a major gear-head who basically just charged me for the parts and a little bit of labor. I’d just gotten Old Bessie back and was planning on delivering it to Jesse when the moment was right.

The moment couldn’t have been more right.

“I need to know more of the people you know,” he said, still gaping at his truck.

“When he asked if I wanted him to clean up the exterior, I told him that I didn’t mind a little mess on the outside, as long as the important stuff’s in good working order.” I wrapped my arm around him and couldn’t stop smiling at that truck I’d hated at first sight, but I had grown to love. The inside, the outside, all sides of it.

“Thank you, Rowen. I don’t know if you understand how much this means to me, but . . .”

“I think I do. I think I have a very good idea what it means to you.”

Giving his head a shake, his expression changed. “Hey, do you think the apartment manager would mind if it stayed here a while?”

“I don’t think he’d even notice. But why? How long are you planning on staying?”

Jesse moved in front of me. “How long do you want me to stay?”

“Forever,” I said instantly. It might have been a selfish answer, but it was the honest one.

“That’s kind of what I had in mind, too.” When his hand dug into his pocket, I was clueless. When his hand came out, whatever was inside of it was too small to be seen. I was still clueless. But when he dropped back down onto both of his knees and held out that gold ring, I had a rush of clarity.