Princess in Pink (The Princess Diaries 5)

Abnormal nonverbal communication—problems with eye contact, facial expressions, body postures, or uncontrolled gesturing (ME! Also Boris!)

Inability to develop relationships with peers (Totally me. Also Lilly)

Labeled by other children as “weird” or “freakish” (This is creeping me out!!! Lana calls me a freak nearly every day!!!)

Lack of response to social or emotional feelings (LILLY!!!!!!!!)

Atypical or noticeably impaired expression of pleasure in other people’s happiness (LILLY!!!! She is NEVER happy for ANYONE!!!!!!)

Inability to be flexible regarding minor trivilialities, such as alterations to specific routines or rituals (GRANDMÈRE!!!!!! ALSO MY DAD!!!!!!! Also Lars. And Mr. G)

Continuous or repetitive finger tapping, hand wringing, knee jiggling, or whole body movement (Well, this is totally Boris, as anyone who has ever seen him play Bartok on his violin could attest to)

Obsessive interest or concern with subjects such as world history, rock collecting, or

plane schedules (Or possibly the PROM????????? Does being obsessed with the prom count? Oh, my God, I have Asperger’s syndrome! I totally have Asperger’s!!!! But wait. If I have it, so does Lilly. Because she is obsessed with Jangbu Panasa. And Boris is obsessed with his violin. And Tina with romance novels. And Michael with his band. Oh, my GOD!!!!!!!! We ALL have Asperger’s syndrome!!!!!!!! This is terrible. I wonder if Principal Gupta knows???????? Wait…. What if AEHS is a special Asperger’s-syndrome school? And none of us knows it? Until now, that is. I am going to bust the whole thing wide open! Like Woodward and Bernstein! Mia Thermopolis, forging a path for Asperger’s sufferers everywhere!)

Obsessive concern or attention to parts of objects (I don’t know what this means, but it sounds like ME!!!!!!!!) rather than the whole

Repetitive behaviors, generally self-injurious in nature (BORIS!!!!!!! Dropping globes on his head!!!!!!!!! But wait, he only did that once….)

Symptoms not included in Asperger’s:

No indication of language retardation (Duh. We are all excellent talkers) or of retardation in typical age-appropriate curiosity (Seriously. I mean, Lilly got to second base already and she is only in the ninth grade)

First identified in 1944 as “Autistic Psychopathy” by Hans Asperger, the cause of this disorder is still unknown. Asperger’s syndrome may possibly be related to autism. There is no known cure for Asperger’s at this time, and indeed, some case subjects do not consider the disorder an impairment at all.

To eliminate other causes physical, emotional, and mental evaluations are usually administered to suspected cases of Asperger’s. (Lilly, Michael, Boris, Tina, and I ALL need to take these tests!!!!! Oh, my God, we’ve had Asperger’s all along and never knew!!!! I wonder if Mr. Wheeton knew, and that’s why he assigned me this disease!!!!! This is spooky….)

Tuesday, May 6, the loft

I just went into my mother’s bedroom (Mr. G is on an emergency run to the Grand Union to secure more Häagen-Dazs for her) and demanded to know the truth about my mental health status.

“Mother,” I said. “Am I, or am I not, a sufferer of Asperger’s syndrome?”

My mom was trying to watch a bunch of episodes of Charmed she’d taped. She says Charmed is actually a very feminist show, because it portrays young women who fight evil without the help of males, but I notice that a) they often fight them while wearing halter tops, and b) my mother takes a special interest in the episodes where men take their shirts off.

But whatever. In any case, her reply to me was way cranky.

“For God’s sake, Mia,” she said. “Are you doing another report for Health and Safety?”

“Yes,” I said. “And it is clear to me that you have been hiding from everyone the fact that I am a sufferer of Asperger’s syndrome, and that, in fact, you send me to a special school for Asperger’s sufferers. And the lying has got to stop now!”

She just looked at me and went, “Are you seriously trying to tell me that you don’t remember last month, when you were convinced you had Tourette’s syndrome?”

I protested that this was totally different. Tourette’s is a disorder characterized by multiple motor and vocal tics that begin prior to the age of eighteen, and at the time we were studying it in class, my constant use of words such as like and totally seemed totally characteristic of the disease.

Is it my fault that generally the utterances are accompanied by involuntary bodily movements, from which I apparently don’t suffer?

“Are you trying to say,” I demanded, “that I don’t have Asperger’s syndrome?”

“Mia,” my mother said. “You are one hundred percent, U.S.-certified Asperger’s free.”

I couldn’t believe this, however, after everything I’ve read.

“Are you SURE?” I asked. “What about Lilly?”

My mom snorted. “Well. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Lilly is normal. But I highly doubt she is suffering from Asperger’s.”