Yeah, I signed a contract, like a year ago. Okay, seven months ago. How was I supposed to know then that I would fall madly and passionately in love? Well, okay, I was madly and passionately in love back then, but hello, it was with somebody totally different. And the real object of my affection didn’t like me back. Or if he did (he says he did!!!!!!!!!), I didn’t exactly know it, did I?
And now my dad expects me to spend two whole months away from the man to whom I have pledged my heart?
Oh, no. I don’t think so.
It is one thing to spend Christmas in Genovia. I mean, that was only thirty-two days. But July and August? I’m supposed to spend two whole months away from him?
Well, it is so not happening. My dad thinks he’s being all reasonable about it, since originally he was going to make me spend the WHOLE summer in Genovia. But since Mom’s due date is in June, he’s acting like it’s this big concession to let me stay in New York until the baby’s born. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Dad.
Well, he is just going to have to exhale, because if he thinks I am spending the last two months of the first summer of my life with an actual boyfriend away from said boyfriend, then he is in for a very big surprise. I mean, what is there even to do in Genovia in the summer? NOTHING. The place is lousy with tourists (well, so is New York, but whatever, New York tourists are different, they are much less repulsive than the ones who go to Genovia) and Parliament isn’t even in session. What am I going to do all day? I mean, at least here there’ll be the whole baby thing, once my mom hurries up and has it, which I actually wish would be sooner than June because it is like living with Sasquatch, I swear to God, all she does is stomp around and grunt at us, she is in such a bad mood on account of all the water weight and the pressure on her you-know-what (my mom shares WAY too much information sometimes).
Whatever happened to pregnancy being the most magical time in a woman’s life? Whatever happened to being full of the wonder and glory of creation?
Clearly my mom has never heard of either of those things.
The point is, this is Michael’s last summer before he leaves for college. And okay, the college he is going to is just a few subway stops uptown, but whatever, I am not going to see him at school anymore after this. For instance, he is no longer going to be swinging by my Algebra class to give me strawberry Gummi Worms like he did this morning, to the wrath of Lana Weinberger, who is just jealous because her boyfriend Josh NEVER surprises her with Gummi Worms.
No. Michael and I should be spending this summer together, having lovely picnics in Central Park (except that I hate having picnics in public parks because all the homeless people come around and look longingly at your egg-salad sandwich or whatever, and then you have to give it to them because you feel so guilty about having so much when others have nothing, and they are usually not even grateful, they usually say something like, “I hate egg salad,” which is very ungracious if you ask me) and seeing Tosca on the Great Lawn (except that I hate opera because everybody dies all tragically at the end, but whatever). There’s still strolling through one of those random saint festivals they’re always having in Little Italy and Michael maybe winning me a stuffed animal at the air-rifle booth (except that he is ethically opposed to guns, as am I, except if you are a member of law enforcement or a soldier or whatever, and those stuffed animals they give away at fairs are fully made by children in Guatemalan sweatshops).
Still. It could have been totally romantic, if my dad hadn’t gone and ruined it all.
Lilly says my father clearly has abandonment issues from when his father died and left him all alone with Grandmère, and that’s why he is being so totally rigid on the whole spending-my-summer-in-Genovia thing.
Except that Grandpère died when my dad was in his twenties—not exactly his formative years—so I don’t see how this is possible. But Lilly says the human psyche works in strange and mysterious ways and that I should just accept that and move on.
I think the person with issues might be Lilly, on account of how it’s been almost four months since her cable access television program Lilly Tells It Like It Is was optioned by the producers who made the movie based on my life and they still haven’t managed to find a studio willing to tape a pilot episode. But Lilly says the entertainment industry works in strange and mysterious ways (just like the human psyche) and that she has accepted it and moved on, just like I should about the whole Genovian thing.
BUT I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THE FACT THAT MY DAD WANTS ME TO SPEND SIXTY-TWO WHOLE DAYS AWAY FROM THE MAN I LOVE!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tina says I should try to get a summer internship somewhere here in Manhattan, and then my dad won’t be able to make me go to Genovia, on account of how that would be shirking my responsibilities here. Only I don’t know of any place that would want a princess for an intern. I mean, what would Lars do all day while I was alphabetizing files or making photocopies or whatever?
When I walked in before class started, Mademoiselle Klein was showing some of the sophomore girls a picture of this slinky dress she is ordering from Victoria’s Secret to wear to the prom. She is a chaperone. So is Mr. Wheeton, the track coach and my Health and Safety teacher. They are going together. Tina says it is the most romantic thing she has ever heard of, besides my mom and Mr. Gianini. I have not revealed to Tina the painful truth about my mom being the one to propose to Mr. Gianini, because I don’t want to crush all of Tina’s fondest dreams. I have also hidden from her the fact that I don’t think Prince William is ever going to e-mail her back. That’s on account of how I gave her a fake e-mail address for him. Well, I had to do something to get her to quit bugging me for it. And I’m sure whoever is at [email protected] is very appreciative of her five page testimonial to how much she loves him, especially when he is wearing his polo jodhpurs.
I sort of feel bad about lying to Tina, but it was only to make her feel better. And someday I really will get Prince William’s real e-mail address for her. I just have to wait until somebody important dies, and I see him at the state funeral. It probably won’t be long—Eliza
beth Taylor is looking pretty shaky.
Il me faut des lunettes de soleil.
Didier demand a essayer la jupe.
I don’t know how someone who is as deeply in love with Mr. Wheeton as Mademoiselle Klein is supposed to be can assign us so much homework. Whatever happened to spring, when the world is mud luscious and the little lame balloon man whistles far and wee?
Nobody who teaches at this school has a grain of romance in them. Ditto most of the people who go here, too. Without Tina, I would be truly lost.
Jeudi, j’ai fait de l’aerobic.
HOMEWORK
Algebra: pages 279–300
English:The Iceman Cometh
Biology: Finish ice worm essay
Health and Safety: pages 154–160
Gifted and Talented: As if