The Brit

A glass of water slides toward me. I take a sip, feeling parched. “So what now?” she asks, joining me.

I look up from my glass, wondering the very same thing. “I don’t know,” I admit. “But I know I want to get to know my son.”

“Get to know him?”

“Yes. You bought my baby on the black market. He was minutes old when they ripped him from my breast, and I never saw him again. Not a day has gone by, not a minute, when I didn’t think about him.”

She swallows, and I see the guilt she’s probably been burying for years. She looks wholesome. A good woman. But she’s not allowed herself to think about what I lost, only what she gained.

Hilary shakes her head. “You’re misunderstanding. I expected you to come in here guns blazing, threatening to take him. But you want to get to know him?”

Guns blazing. I shake my head clear of the explosions of light bombarding my mind. “I’m not deluded, Hilary. I’ve never been a mother. Honestly, I wouldn’t know where to begin, but I really want to try.” I couldn’t just rip him away from her. I’ve been there myself, and it was agony after a few minutes of nursing him. Hilary has had ten years with Daniel. She knows what she’s doing. Look at her, all perfect. And look at me. Completely imperfect. My relief that for all these years my boy has been with someone who loves him so much won’t allow me to turn his life upside down. “Does he know about me?”

She looks down, as if ashamed. “I’ve thought about telling him so many times. But then . . .” Her eyes swell with tears. “What if you never came? What if you were dead?” Her hand covers her mouth. “I wished you dead,” she croaks, and I nod, oddly understanding. Sometimes I wished myself dead. Suddenly, she gets up and walks across the kitchen to the fridge. Opening the door, she pulls out a bottle of white. “I hope you don’t mind.”

I smile to myself. “I’ll join you, if you don’t mind.”

She falters unscrewing the cap, regarding me carefully. “You’re so calm.”

“The storm’s over,” I tell her as she pours two glasses. “Now I’m trying to clean up the devastation it’s left behind.”

“I’m so sorry.” Her lip quivers. “I never thought about you, I admit it. I told myself you were a no-hoper who didn’t love him. A drug addict, a waste of space. I never thought of you as a mother, not even a decent human being. It was easier that way.” She lowers to the chair, taking back at least half her wine. “I was so desperate to be a mom. Six miscarriages, a stillborn. Adoption was so complicated, and the red tape ridiculous. We got declined. Us.” She laughs in disbelief, landing me with imploring eyes. “I just wanted to be a mom.” Her hand meets mine on the table, squeezing pleadingly. “Please don’t take him away from me.”

“I’m desperate to be a mom too,” I say in reply, and she inhales. That’s all I need to say. All that should be said.

“Then you will be.” She swallows, blinking back the tears. My son knows nothing but this woman who loves him. I could never take her away from him.

Silence falls for a short time, both of us thinking, both of us taking much-needed sips of our wine. “I’m scared,” I admit.

“Scared?”

“What if he doesn’t accept me?”

A knowing smile crosses her face. “Danny is the most levelheaded, wise, gracious ten-year-old I’ve ever known. He’s full of heart, Rose. He won’t reject you.”

Danny. They call him Danny. Pain slices me, and not only because of that. How much she knows about my boy hurts. How much I don’t know hurts more.

I look past Hilary when I hear a car pull up. “Oh, this is them.” She jumps up, brushing down her apron in a panic.

“Them?”

“Daniel and my husband.”

I shoot up from my chair. “Oh, God.” I place my wine down and follow Hilary’s lead, fiddling with my own clothes. “I should go. Now isn’t the right time. You need to sit him down and explain about me.” I look around for a means of escape.

Hilary seizes my wrist to stop me fleeing, and I look at her in shock. “You should at least meet my husband.” Her posture straightens, her inner strength growing. “I’ll send Daniel upstairs so we can talk about what happens next together. I’ve stalled long enough. Will you wait in here?”

She heads to the front door, not seeming to give me an option, and I lower to the chair and push the wine away from in front of me, opting for the water instead. I hear the door close. I hear a man, and then the undeniable sound of him greeting Hilary with a kiss.