When You Were Mine

“I want to talk about my dad,” I blurt, and she nods, completely unfazed by this, waiting for more. It’s the last thing I expected to say, to want to say, and yet, weirdly, it feels like such a relief to say it.

And so I begin.

Three hours later, I’m back in my apartment, boxing up jewelry orders and feeling utterly drained. I spent the entire hour with Anna talking about my father, which I really didn’t expect at all. I mean, surely there are more pressing, current matters to worry about?

And yet revisiting all those old wounds, hurts I’d thought had scarred over and were fine, felt painful but necessary. There were a lot of tears, and I don’t actually feel much better, but for once, I don’t feel worse. Truthfully, as I load all my packages into a canvas bag and head out to the UPS store, I don’t know how I feel, but I try not to worry about it too much. I’ve had enough self-analysis for one day, surely.

Mike is behind the counter when I go into the store, his expression brightening when he sees me. We’ve brushed over his invitation for a pizza that he made a few weeks ago, acted as if it never happened, although he’s still as friendly as ever.

“Hey, Beth. How’s it going?”

“Okay, I guess.” To my surprise, I realize I mean it. Things aren’t great, not even close, but they’re not horrible, the way they’ve sometimes felt. “How are you?”

“Pretty good.” Mike gives me a lopsided smile as I unload the packages onto the counter. “Though my mom is having her third round of chemo.”

“What?” I look up in surprise. He’s never told me about his mother before.

“Yeah.” Mike scratches his cheek self-consciously. “She was diagnosed with breast cancer five months ago. Stage four.”

“I’m so sorry.”

He hunches his shoulders. “Thanks.”

I feel guilty, like I should have asked about his mom even though I didn’t know she was sick. Yet even though I obviously couldn’t have done that, I realize our conversations have always been about me and my problems. I’ve never once asked Mike about his life. I’ve never even wondered about it. Life with Dylan has made me completely introspective.

Mike is ringing up each package, and I feel any moment of connection slipping away from us. As he does the last one, I take the plunge, blurting out awkwardly,

“If you’re done with work soon… do you want to go for that pizza?” Mike stares at me in surprise. “I mean… if you’re not busy.” I feel my cheeks heat. I can’t remember the last time I’ve asked someone to go out, if ever. This is completely new territory for me; Marco managed our entire relationship, not that Mike and I have one of those.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Mike says at last, and I nearly sag with relief. Surely this doesn’t need to be so hard. “I don’t get off for another hour, though. Could I meet you somewhere?”

“Sure.”

“What about Barb’s? That’s where I usually go.”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

We agree to meet and then I head home, a flurry of nerves taking residence in my stomach. Should I change? Put some makeup on? I barely have any. And if I look too dressed up, will Mike think it’s weird? It’s not as if this is an actual date.

I end up changing my top and adding a bit of lip gloss, which isn’t much effort but still feels like too much.

When I walk into Barb’s an hour later, Mike is already sitting in one of the booths with a Coke, and he rises as I walk towards him.

“I got off a little early. Let me get you a drink.”

“Um, okay.” I nod towards his Coke. “That looks good.”

I slip into the other side of the booth, feeling incredibly self-conscious. Already this is feeling more like a date than I expected it to.

Mike signals to the waitress and then orders me a Coke, before turning to me with a smile that spreads across his whole face and crinkles his cheeks. He’s so friendly-looking that I can’t help but relax and smile back.

“So, what did you get up to today?” he asks and I surprise myself by answering honestly, by wanting to.

“I went to my first counseling session. It was… intense.” Kind of like me, then, apparently.

“Intense?” Mike repeats with a frown.

“I’ve never done any kind of counseling or therapy before. The whole thought of it freaked me out, to be honest.”