Not My Daughter

Anna has moved a lamp from one side of the sofa to the other, and there are notices pinned on the fridge with a magnet – a date for Alice’s two-month immunisations, an invitation to a mums and babies coffee morning. I take it all in with one painful glance; I feel as if I’ve walked into someone else’s life, and then I realise that, in a way, I have.

‘Perhaps they’re upstairs…’ Matt murmurs, and he jogs up the stairs in search of both Anna and Alice.

I walk slowly into the sitting room, taking in more details. A new throw pillow, in a shade of purple I never would have chosen. A litter box in the kitchen – of course, she must have brought Winnie here, even though I’m slightly allergic to cats. Is that part of the smell? Everything feels so foreign, and I wasn’t expecting it.

Winnie peers out from underneath the table and glares at me balefully before stalking off.

‘They’re not upstairs,’ Matt says, frowning, as he comes into the kitchen. We see the note on the kitchen table at the same time.

Dear Matt, I thought I’d take Alice out for a bit, so you and Milly can settle in without any pressure. See you soon. Anna.

That note rankles me. Perhaps it’s the way it’s addressed only to Matt. Maybe it’s the idea that it will somehow create pressure to have Alice here with me, even though I know Anna is right and it will. Still, it doesn’t seem like her decision to make, and yet clearly she thought it was. And once again I am forced to face the uncomfortable, unpalatable truth, that Anna has made a lot of decisions over the last two and a half weeks. She’s had to, and we’ve had to let her.

‘I could ring her, ask her to come back,’ Matt says after a moment. ‘Unless you want to wait? Have a cuppa?’

‘Fine. Let’s do that.’ She’ll be home soon, I tell myself. She’ll be home soon, and then I’ll have Alice.

Half an hour goes by, and there is no word from Anna. Matt calls her, but she’s not answering her phone. Then, as we are sipping lukewarm tea in silence in the sitting room, Jack stops by.

‘Milly.’ He gives me a big hug before kissing my cheek. ‘I’m so glad you’re back home. It’s great to see you. You look well. Really well.’ He nods, and keeps nodding, and I realise I can expect a thousand awkward conversations like this.

‘Thank you, Jack.’

‘Where’s Alice? And Anna?’ He looks around as if expecting them to pop out from behind the sofa and yell ‘surprise’.

‘Anna took Alice for a walk, I think,’ Matt says, ‘but it’s been nearly an hour now. I think they should be home soon, especially considering how cold it is.’

‘She took Alice?’ Something in Jack’s tone makes us both look at him, expectant and wary.

‘Just for a walk…’ Matt begins, and then stops at Jack’s stricken expression. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing, really. At least I don’t think…’ He trails off and I put my mug down, my hands curling into fists as I brace myself for whatever Jack is going to say, because clearly it is not nothing.

‘Jack.’ Matt’s voice is strident. ‘If there’s something you know, something that’s going on, tell us, please.’

‘I don’t know anything,’ Jack protests. ‘It’s just…’ He lets out a ragged sigh. ‘Anna was talking to me a few days ago, and it was all a bit… much.’

‘What do you mean, much?’

‘I don’t know how seriously she meant it—’

‘Meant what?’ Matt explodes. ‘Can you please tell me what the hell is going on here?’

‘Anna was talking to me about…’ Still he hesitates. ‘About applying for custody of Alice.’

His words feel as if they are hurled into the room like a grenade. We are now just waiting for the explosion. Matt is silent, stunned, clearly having absolutely no inkling of this, and yet I realise I am not surprised. I’ve been fearing it, bracing myself for it, since I first found out I was pregnant. Perhaps even since Anna first offered to donate. And while I’ve tried to hide the truth from myself, I accept now how complicated our arrangement was, how conflicted our feelings. How all of it eventually had to lead to this.

‘Why would she do that?’ Matt asks, sounding so bewildered I almost want to laugh.

‘Because she feels Alice is her baby,’ I say. It is so obvious to me. ‘Because Alice is her baby biologically, and she’s been taking care of her basically since she was born.’ I wrap my arms around myself. Because I failed as a mother. I don’t want to go down that dark road again, but I can’t keep myself from it. Is this what I really deserve?

‘She’s been helping us out,’ Matt protests. He looks winded, as if he’s been struck and is reeling from the blow. ‘That’s all. Just helping us out.’

‘But it wasn’t just that to Anna,’ I say quietly.

Jack looks at both of us. ‘Honestly, I don’t think she was thinking straight. I don’t think she really meant it—’

‘What exactly did she tell you?’ Matt interjects.