Oops, I've Fallen

“What exactly is a thirst trap?” I question. “Should I know what that is? Or what Talkers are?”

“Tok-ers,” Stella corrects me.

“Tokers?” I ask for clarity, and she nods.

“Yes, as in TikTok.”

Oh God. TikTok. I thought I’d seen the last of that fucking app when I deplaned at Tampa International Airport.

I’m not sure if my face matches my feelings, but if it did, it would probably look like I was being struck by food poisoning right about now.

“Thirst trap means you’re a hottie-tottie,” Carly’s mom dishes excitedly, leaning into the back of her hand while propping an elbow on the table.

I try really hard not to cringe, but I don’t think I succeed.

Carly sighs. “Oh my God, just ignore her.”

Sal chuckles, and Stella’s eyes light up like she just found an extra coupon for ten bucks off at the Winn-Dixie.

“Oh my gosh! This is perfect! This is so perfect!” she exclaims, but her injury makes it hard for her movements to match the urgent excitement in her tone. Slowly, she eases herself up off her chair, grimacing slightly when she’s halfway between sitting and standing.

“You need a hand, Stell?” my dad asks, but she waves him off.

“I got it,” she says, and once she’s on her feet, she walks away from the table, only coming back when she has her phone in her hand.

“Mom, what are you doing?” Carly asks, the panic in her tone unmistakable. I don’t know what it’s about, but I can say with absolute certainty that it doesn’t affect Stella one bit. She keeps typing, rounding the table to stand beside me as she does.

“Ryan, in honor of the fact that I missed last week’s Thirsty Thursday—”

“Mom!” Carly shouts again, but Stella is determined to carry through with whatever she’s up to, and I don’t think any of us can stop it.

Wanting to calm Carly a little, I shake my head and lower my eyebrows, patting her hand on the table.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Though, Carly’s wide eyes and long blinks of her lashes say otherwise.

“It’s time to flash that panty-dropping smile of yours, Ryan!” Stella singsongs.

I glance around the room, and Carly drops her face into her hands, muttering, “Panty-dropping smile? Oh, sweet Jesus,” under her breath.

Evidently prepared, Stella lifts her phone out in front of herself and stoops down beside me, so I can see both of our faces in the camera. “Ladies, ya girl Stella here for another edition of Thirsty Thursday. I know it’s technically Monday, but trust me. You’re going to love this one!”

“Should I know what’s happening right now?” I ask with a furrowed brow and a confused laugh. I have no idea what Stella is doing or what I’m supposed to be doing, and it certainly doesn’t help that I’m just staring back at the two of us in the screen.

“No, but you should probably run,” Carly says matter-of-factly.

“Tell everyone hello, Ryan!” Stella exclaims boldly, and I’m left with very little choice but to comply. I don’t want to be needlessly rude. I just kind of wish I understood what was going on.

“Hello, everyone,” I greet, running a slightly embarrassed hand through my hair.

“Ladies, this hottie-tottie is my dinner guest for the evening,” she says, phone still pointed at her and me. I wave, but it isn’t long before I’m really wishing I hadn’t. She stands up from her spot next to me and rotates the camera, pointing it at my dad. “And I’m sure y’all remember Sal.”

Sal, of course, winks toward the camera like he’s done it a million times. “Good to see you, ladies.”

Carly glances at me and enlarges her eyes dramatically, and I feel instantly like her coconspirator. We understand each other’s pain in a way that other people couldn’t possibly. “Okay, Mom. I think you’ve featured our dinner on the World Wide Web enough for the evening, don’t you?”

Immediately, Stella turns the camera toward Carly. “And here’s my daughter. She’s not normally so stuffy,” she says, making a face and sticking out her tongue. “Isn’t she beautiful?”

Carly glares.

“See? Even when she’s scowling at me, she’s still gorgeous,” Stella narrates for whoever’s on the other end of whatever the fuck she’s got going on. “Anyway, hope you all enjoyed Thirsty Thursday!” And then she drops her voice to a whisper and leans toward the camera. “From what I hear, Ryan is single.” She winks, and I’m pretty sure my balls jump up inside my body. “Kisses, girls!” One last kissy-face toward the screen and then she ends the video.

I release the breath I didn’t even know I was holding and, against all odds, manage to smile a little. I mean, Carly’s mom is zany as hell, but watching someone other than me have to be the one wrangling their wild parent is a relief.

Carly leans toward me, studying my face, and then tilts her head on a laugh. “You do realize she posted that video of you to her TikTok, right?”