Oops, I've Fallen

“What in the hell is going on here?” Carly shrieks, and the two of them glance to each other before scowling at us.

“I plead the fifth,” Stella declares immediately, crossing her arms over her chest and holding her nose high in the air. “I’ve seen CSI. I know how this works.”

“Darlin’, I think you’re forgetting that, on that show, they always encourage the truth,” my dad contests, tapping Stella’s hand supportively. “We need to tell them what’s going on.”

So done with feeling confused for the night, I decide to take charge. I’m going to get some answers, and I’m going to get them right the fuck now.

“Dad’s right. The time for keeping us in the dark ended when Carly turned on the light.”

The second the words leave my mouth, I wince a little, and Carly’s head jerks back to mine. I didn’t mean to be that cute, I swear, I try to say with my eyes, and for the first time since we found our parents making out like fucking teenagers, she smiles a little.

“Stell and I are in love,” my dad announces, and in the distance, brakes squeal to a stop. Police sirens go off. A bomb is dropped in an undisclosed location.

And I blink what feels like a thousand times. “I’m sorry…you’re what?”

“You heard me, son. Me and this beautiful woman right here are in love.” He turns Stella’s hand over in his and laces their fingers together. “She wasn’t quite ready for anyone to know, what with Ronnie only passing away a few years ago, but I’m a grown-ass man, and I’m tired of keeping this a secret.”

Stella gasps, and my dad turns to her, lowering his voice. “Sorry, Stell, but I am. I wanna be with you, darlin’. And now that we’re both trying to heal from our…uh…fall…and our kids are staying with us while we get back on our feet, I don’t wanna have to sneak around, hoping they’ll be dumb enough to let us trick them into taking us to the same place at the same time.”

Just like that, the Winn-Dixie run earlier today makes sense, and I can’t say it doesn’t fire me up.

“Back up the fucking love train a minute,” I interject with one hand held out toward my father. “You staged the blood pressure medication thing just so I would take you to the store?” I shout, my voice escalating so much Carly reaches out and puts a hand to my arm. “Dad, I thought you were taking your medication wrong! I was fucking worried about you. Hell, the pharmacist basically told me you’d die if you were taking double doses of your pills!”

“Don’t yell at me!” Sal fires back with a point of his big, beefy finger. “I’m your father, not the other way around.”

“Sal, relax, baby,” Stella comforts, and Carly’s reaction is a half grimace, half gag at her mom’s use of the word baby.

“Oh my God,” she mutters to herself, but her mom hears it.

Stella turns to look at her daughter, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “Don’t be such a child, Carly.”

“Excuse me? I’m the child?” Carly breathes. “You’re the one acting like a child, sneaking around in dark rooms because you’re afraid to admit you’re dating someone.”

“Because of that right there,” Stella accuses, pointing one red-painted index finger toward her daughter. “That attitude!”

“I don’t have an attitude,” Carly denies heatedly, and suddenly, it feels like the whole thing is getting completely out of control.

I’m angry at my dad for putting me through the shit he has, but I have to admit, the whole exercise in shaving his balls is making a hell of a lot more sense.

“Okay, let’s all calm down,” I say, briefly reaching up to squeeze the bridge of my nose while I take a slow, cleansing breath. “Let’s just try to breathe a little and relax.”

“I’m calm,” my dad responds and then leans in and gives Stella a kiss on the cheek. “But I’m telling you right now, from here on out, the two of us are going to be out in the open about our love.”

Out in the open about their love? Christ. I have to bite my tongue to stop a sarcastic retort from flying from my lips. Which, considering we just walked in on them making out like high schoolers in the back seat of their parents’ car, it’s probably a good thing I don’t open that can of worms. In the name of sanity, it’s best those gory details stay unknown.

I mean, hell, there’s no way they’re having sex, right?

Fuck. Don’t. Go. There.

The mere idea of that makes me want to scrub my brain with bleach.

“Listen, all I’m trying to say is that the two of you will have to learn to live with seeing us together,” my dad adds. “Lord knows I’m done with the sneaking-around shit. If I want to spend more time with Stell, I’m damn well going to do it.”