In to Her

But most of all I’m jealous of his girl.

I’m into her, I realize.

Very fucking into her.

She is a lost, sad mystery of a woman every way you look at it.

How did she escape? I have been wondering that for weeks.

But also, in the back of my head, I have been wondering about other things too. Maybe more realizing than wondering. And this other nagging, little realization is… if she can get out then so can I.

I’m sick of my life. I want this one instead. Some small business with an apartment overhead. Local customers who come in for lunch just because they want to visit. Working with my wife—or whatever she was to him, since she’s still married to Damon. Coming upstairs after a long day and not having to deal with traffic or loud neighbors who can’t ever seem to shut the fuck up.

Eating dinner with her, and showering with her, and then taking her to bed and loving her.

I have never been in love. I have never even pretended to be in love.

And Logan doesn’t count because he’s a dude and what we have is just friends with benefits. That’s it.

But I could see myself with Yvette. I could see myself up here on her mountain running this bar. Or hell, if we had to move, we’d move away. Somewhere far. Maybe another country so if Damon ever got second thoughts we’d be safe.

Maybe we’d have a kid? Change our names and be married. Open a bed-and-breakfast on a beach or something like that. Live the expat life. Raise a family that way. With a pack of little too-blonde kids with too-tanned skin running around barefoot on a beach as they grew up.

I could see that life. I could love that life.

I could have that life.

We could have that life.

And hell, if Logan wanted to come I wouldn’t mind that either.

So I picture a whole new scenario. The three of us replacing the two of us. Everything else stays the same. Only some of the kids would have gray eyes, like his. And some of them would have blue eyes, like mine.

But we wouldn’t care.

We’d treat them all the same. We’d love them, and teach them how to surf.

I don’t know how to surf. Hell, I’ve only seen a beach once in my life and that was in New Jersey. But I’d learn. I could learn lots of new things.

Logan sighs, pulling me out of my fantasy. “So… I don’t know what to make of this.”

He’s holding up the letter.

I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t read that letter. That’s what I make of it.

“But it’s starting to make sense,” he continues.

“No,” I say. “No, that letter is a mistake.”

Logan shoots me a look I’ve seen hundreds of times. But it’s been a while. We were a lot younger the last time he looked at me this way. It’s a look that says… You’re stupid.

“This isn’t a mistake.” He laughs. “You don’t write a letter like this by mistake, AJ.”

But it has to be a mistake. Otherwise everything we’ve done tonight turns into just another bad example of wrong time, wrong place.

And I refuse to believe that.

I simply refuse.

This is a really great example of right time, right place.

I feel that so completely.

“We should just do it now,” Logan says. “We can still wrap her in the tarp and stuff her in the trunk. It’s cold enough outside that she’ll freeze and then when the storm clears we can take her to the ravine and—”

He stops talking because I punch him in the face.

“What the fuck?” he says, feeling the blood on his lip. “What the fuck are you—”

“We’re. Not. Killing her.”

“AJ, don’t be stupid. If we go back to Damon—”

“Maybe we don’t go back to Damon? Maybe we—”

“Have you lost your fucking mind? He will kill us, AJ.”

“Only if he finds us,” I say. “And besides. I’m not afraid of that asshole.”

“You don’t need to be afraid of him. You and I both know he doesn’t kill anyone himself. He’s got dozens of people like you and me to do it for him. And they will find us, AJ. We found her, didn’t we?”

“That’s another mystery,” I say. “He knew she was here. Has been here, probably playing house with the guy who actually owns this bar. And he let her live.”

“He was toying with her, don’t you see that? He was biding his time and playing with her. We’re living fucking proof!” I open my mouth to speak, but Logan puts up a hand to stop me. “Just… listen to me, OK? There’s more going on here than you know.”

“Obviously.”

“He’s already unhappy with you about losing that money, AJ. He’s already pissed off. And he’s nuts. We all know he’s nuts. Always picking fights with people. Everything he does is a gut reaction. He’s impulsive, and careless, and stupid. The guy has maybe five years on the job before some other boss decides to shut his stupid trap for good. All I have to do is lie low, do my job, keep my mouth shut and pretty soon someone else is gonna take over. His cousin, Joe, maybe. Or his little brother, Anthony. Damon is temporary. All I gotta do—”